Saturday, July 12, 2008

Depression sucks

I gotta say I know I am not the only one who deals with depression, but mine is very seasonal. And where most people who deal with seasonal depression contend with it during Winter, mine is RIGHT NOW! I figured I would be able to handle it better now that I know it's coming. The last 4 years I have had mini breakdowns in Summer. They were semi-short lived, but horribly intense. Last Summer's was particularly bleak. I am not a cryer, per se, but I COULD NOT STOP! Now, I just feel beyond crying. I *know* what is going on so I don't feel so blindsided this time, but, man, it still sneaks up on me. I am pretty sure having lost some weight and becoming active have helped me thus far, but it's still like a storm on the horizon. You see it and try to stay ahead of it, but it still catches up with you. Well, it's caught up. Though the storm metaphor isn't what I should use. I like the rain and storms. All last week it was fantastic (miserable to everyone else) weather. Personally, I would love to be on the beach of the above picture (which was taken somewhere on Long Island, NY).

Today it got sunny and hot and as the day has moved on the more morose I have felt. It is almost out of body because I can sort of see me and know all that I have in my life that is good, but everything still feels awful. It is also interesting how my faith just falters at these times. I start to feel (notice I don't say 'believe') that God and religion is just interesting spin humanity has put on suffering. Hey, we have to figure a way of making sense of the nonsensical, right?

What I find hysterical is that I take 'antidepressants' (hey, I got a crazy kid which is a pretty darn good excuse if you ask me). I can't imagine what life would feel like if I didn't take Prozac. The weird thing about depression is the bone depth exhaustion. It is quite overwhelming. The desperate need to just S L E E P. MY poor kids, what a fabulous legacy to leave them: depression, anxiety, hyperactivity, occasional mania...lucky them.

You know I would go out and walk but one of my feet decided to shred to bits from eczema. Woo Hoo.


Catherine said...

Rachel, why don't you try to find a job outside? Maybe meeting new people, workmates.
When I read your post about Andrew's new job, I wonder if it wouldn't be a good solution to avoid depression.
I tell you that because my job consist to work with kids. And if I was constantly confined in that role, that relationship ONLY with kids, I would be mad, at the end. I love them, so much, but I feel the need to meet adults, have adults'conversations(not only by the means of computer). So each day, I meet other parents, friends, as the weather allow it I go to the parc, meet new people. It's absolutely necessary to one's sanity.
Haven't you get some summer holidays to escape from that qualm with husband and children?

Kathleen said...

Hey, happy day! It's pouring and raining and VERY DARK! Might just prove to be a good day...

Rob said...

Peace my sister from another mother.