4 years ago
Saturday, July 12, 2008
I gotta say I know I am not the only one who deals with depression, but mine is very seasonal. And where most people who deal with seasonal depression contend with it during Winter, mine is RIGHT NOW! I figured I would be able to handle it better now that I know it's coming. The last 4 years I have had mini breakdowns in Summer. They were semi-short lived, but horribly intense. Last Summer's was particularly bleak. I am not a cryer, per se, but I COULD NOT STOP! Now, I just feel beyond crying. I *know* what is going on so I don't feel so blindsided this time, but, man, it still sneaks up on me. I am pretty sure having lost some weight and becoming active have helped me thus far, but it's still like a storm on the horizon. You see it and try to stay ahead of it, but it still catches up with you. Well, it's caught up. Though the storm metaphor isn't what I should use. I like the rain and storms. All last week it was fantastic (miserable to everyone else) weather. Personally, I would love to be on the beach of the above picture (which was taken somewhere on Long Island, NY).
Today it got sunny and hot and as the day has moved on the more morose I have felt. It is almost out of body because I can sort of see me and know all that I have in my life that is good, but everything still feels awful. It is also interesting how my faith just falters at these times. I start to feel (notice I don't say 'believe') that God and religion is just interesting spin humanity has put on suffering. Hey, we have to figure a way of making sense of the nonsensical, right?
What I find hysterical is that I take 'antidepressants' (hey, I got a crazy kid which is a pretty darn good excuse if you ask me). I can't imagine what life would feel like if I didn't take Prozac. The weird thing about depression is the bone depth exhaustion. It is quite overwhelming. The desperate need to just S L E E P. MY poor kids, what a fabulous legacy to leave them: depression, anxiety, hyperactivity, occasional mania...lucky them.
You know I would go out and walk but one of my feet decided to shred to bits from eczema. Woo Hoo.