Monday, November 17, 2008

Fighting the urge to run

...and I don't mean jogging. I mean run away kinda run. I have been praying and doing everything to stifle this urge to flee my current life. What is pathetic is that there is really nothing wrong with my current life. Okay, well, I *do* have a child who suffers from mental illness, which has in turn, made me a complete whack job, but everything else...to others looking in....would seem just peachy. 

I, literally, have to get away from everyone and breathe really deeply, like Lamaze, until the overwhelming impulse to bolt passes. It scares me that I even feel this way. My conscience is working overtime to talk me out of insanity. What I wouldn't give to be in my early twenties again. I had my life stretched out in front of me, like a blank slate. Now, I have a past behind me with so many mistakes that it's like a bad essay a high school Lit teacher has hashed through with a red pen. 

I am NOT having a pity party for myself.  There isn't anything to pity, really. I am not looking for sympathy either. I just feel so stagnantly still, so pointless, it's as if moving would distract me and keep me on a trajectory forward so that I couldn't stay still and think...of all the mistakes, wasted time, fear, missed opportunities, and forks in the road where I so should have turned in the opposite direction of where I did turn.

I feel desperate to be alone, but I can't ever really get that alone time. 

(insert expletive here _ _ _ _!) 

3 comments:

Sara said...

I've felt that way too, despite not have mental illness in the family. But I take that back===my sister and dad are both bipolar. My refrain used to be: I hate my life. Which, of course, was an extremely selfish thing to say considering my life. But it was the most obvious symptom of my depression that I got drugs for. Then it went away.

I know things are rough there, but could your meds need tweaking? My sister needs an adjustment of some sort every few months.

Hang in there. Hugs.

Blogger Julie In Atlanta said...

I think Forrest Gump had the right idea about clearing his head. Sometimes I feel like we all could all use a cross country escape. With age comes the wisdom of our wasted youth...which is funny how we were so sure we knew everything and were right all the time in younger days.

Hoping you can find some alone time.....you know a retreat at Ignatius House came to mind...which i know is crazy....you on a silent retreat, but the thoguht popped in so I thought I would share. :-)

Leonie said...

Sometmes I get so tired of always having to do and never getting to just be. I want to be a child and be free. So, I understand. I'll pray you get some time out, as an alterative to running. Hang in there!