Saturday, December 20, 2008

Weirdest Advent/Christmas season ever.

Okay, anyone who knows me knows that I haven't blogged because I, like many other friends, am now addicted to facebook. However, I felt compelled to write and say that I am having the most emotionally numb Christmas season ever. I LOVE this time of year, normally, but I have been dealing with a depression that keeps dragging me to the brink of despair, since late August. I am working with a trained professional to help me through it, so don't worry.

 It's just that I look forward to this time of year as it is usually really motivating for me. I get all sorts of stuff done, I am excited to go places, do things, hang out with people. Now, all I really want to do is hide under a rock. I am the kind of person who starts watching Christmas movies in November. I haven't watched one yet. I have listened to Elf while the kids watched it in the van. I saw about 10 minutes of both White Christmas and  The Nativity Story, but walked away uninterested. You know, I could totally understand if I was like this every year, but I am SOOOOOO not.

 I haven't even listened to any Christmas songs. I love Christmas music, and often have it playing in the house now, but this year...nope.  Not once have I played anything Christmassy. I feel indifferent to the whole thing as if I am watching it from the outside. Everything seems entirely exhausting to me.  I am used to feeling that way in the Summer, but not NOW! At the same time I am feeling antsy, restless and bored out of my mind. I have lots to do, laundry coming out of my ears, crap to be picked up. I am a total neat freak, but that aspect of me is gone, for how long, I don't know. I am doing bare bones housekeeping. I usually care so much about keeping a nice house, but now, I don't care.  I hate not caring. I feel like I am not me, but I don't know where I went. Anyway, it's all weird, weird, weird.

Well, I am not looking for sympathy. Nope. There are people in the world, and some quite close to me, who are really suffering. I am just writing my stuff down to refer back to. Kind of keeping track of my wacky-ass moods. However, if you want to pray for some folks, pray for Bonnie Sager & family, and  Michael Summerville & family, for health, rest and healing. 



Blogger Julie In Atlanta said...

Depression sucks and this time of year can be very hard....just keep on doing what you are doing. There are so many aspects of the this time of year that can really pull one out of the joy of the season. Hoping things will be on the upswing soon.....BTW, love your new blog background!

Wendy said...

I have forgone blogging in favor of Face Book too, but you already know that.
I am having hard time getting in the Christmas spirit because of the HEAT. I am wearing shorts and running the a/c, for goodness sake!
I expected this kind of weather when I was growing up in Florida, not here in Charleston.

Leonie said...

I am praying for you, too! Depression is common in winter and at Xmas, hugs from me. Hope the professional helps, you are blessed!

Charlotte said...

Sounds like you need some time with Jesus in eucharistic adoration. That's what I always crave when I am depressed. Try it and see what happens!

little sparrow , florasita , sticklady , strong tree woman said...

Hey Rachel , I too am like you I pull out our Christmas movies and ban the children from watching anything else lol in beginning advent . This year I was overwhelmed and drained , life . I even felt 2008 was the never ending yr. would it actually end ... ongoing forever like groundhog day the movie
The last few Christian Christmasa have been great for us , homemade gifts , engery , I taught a great catechism class last yr.
This yr our doggie died in nov. I'm watching our grandson full time , took on two beautiful pups ... classes we don't normally take .it all added up.
Deep inside I know what it was longing .Longing for what is not here or rather turns out what I am lacking ;-) However being human I focus on filling my longing , that empty boredom , I am so materialistic I wander I look at books , music , things the world offers me and the majority of a selfish society tells me I need .I begin to feel not accpeted for me I drift trying to fill . The thought of even I'm to tired to attend Christmas mass came into my head ... yes dreadful sinner that I am .
However ds 13 was singing in choir .. so obligation it is a must for my ds .
Then we got to mass Christmas eve . My ds read the first reading and sang .Our parish only had maybe 40-50 people show up. We are like a make shift throw it together parish full of misfits lol
the children doing the nativity parts opening the mass were all just grabbed as they entered the church . It was beautiful ;-) I sat listening , remembering . Him .baby Jesus .This is what is missing . Him filling us nothing else . mass made all that crap worth it . we must go on . for Him which is who made me do it for my own ds ;-) I remembered my own nativity meditation all about Him I just posted on my blog and yes focus on Him leave the rest behind .So I did food and family .My friends Sara and rene showed up to have food with us .Thier own children will not speak to them , all wrapped up in self .
Now I am struggling again but I am reminded I am not here for others except thru Him to be there for Him for them but not to be pleaseing to them or for them or be who others wish for me to be .
I am called to a greater silence this Christmas season to be very alone . yet not alone .It feels awful at times , it hurts .I'm asked to give much up , mostly wnats that are not needed .
So pray with me Rachel I love people praying for my soul as I struggle and work with Him and Racehl Thank God you are ewak and bendable ;-) for in the end with Him you shall be and are very strong ~ Amen

Rob said...

Yo my long lost sister from another mother, how you doing this new year?
Just checking in since i haven;t been around in a long time

Charlotte said...

I left an award for you on my blog!