Spring has Sprung...yuk

It is truly amazing how when the temps go up, I go down. Normally it's supposed to be the other way around. You know...S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder) is supposed to be about Winter. When the temps go down, and the days are darker more people are pitching themselves off of bridges. This is when it's my turn. What sucks, for me, as a Catholic is that this is the time of Lent. NOT GOOD. So, what I end up 'giving up' tends to be God or Mass or Prayer. I don't think that is what the Magisterium had in mind.

I know this is a time of looking inward, but what I see in here scared the bejesus out of me so no thanks. It's a time of self mortification. Catholics just love suffering...apparently. Well, I think I should be exempt. I have something just heinous going on in my lower back and right hip. Some docs say Sciatic pain, some say Trochenteric Bursitis of my right hip, others say Piriformis Syndrome. Know what I say...it frickin sucks and I want it to go away or I want major drugs to anesthetize me. So, since I am stuck in physical therapy, which is making it worse right now (I can't get comfortable lying down AT ALL, which makes sleep nigh impossible) Why nigh....coz there are things like muscle relaxants and benzodiazipine type drugs that will shove me into unconsciousness. But it still sucks. So I am considering all this pain and lack of sleep my mortification because why on EARTH would I want to make it worse for myself??? I am trying to offer it up. But I am a taurus and I bull through everything. I just hope some of it counts for something.

I wish I knew what it was about all the sun and hot that gets to me so badly. You know how some of you out there just loathe Winter. That is exactly how I feel about Summer (and some of Spring too...the hot parts). Now, of course, because I live in the northern burbs of Atlanta it is amazingly beautiful here right now. The flowers, bushes and trees are blooming. Azalea's, Dogwoods, Forsythia it's all so pretty but it comes at the price of my sanity and spirituality. As I get older this seasonal bipolarity is getting really annoying. I mean I know it's coming. I try every little mental trick to move past it but still I am dragged into a desparing pit of depression no matter what. I feel like I am bilocating sometimes, like I can see myself from the outside and I know the problem is temporary but it feels SO REAL.

Combine all this with a lack of appropriate for me air conditioning because my house is an open floor plan so nothing ever really cools off well, except for a few bedrooms. I mean I could really crank it but it would cost damn near a 1k a month to do that and I just can't justify it. So, I spend alot of time in my air conditioned very cold minivan which helps in one way but hurts in another. Driving just kills my hip. I gotta go to confession before Easter. What do I say, "I confess I am losing my religion because it's hot out?"

Oy Vay!
Rach

Depression sucks

I gotta say I know I am not the only one who deals with depression, but mine is very seasonal. And where most people who deal with seasonal depression contend with it during Winter, mine is RIGHT NOW! I figured I would be able to handle it better now that I know it's coming. The last 4 years I have had mini breakdowns in Summer. They were semi-short lived, but horribly intense. Last Summer's was particularly bleak. I am not a cryer, per se, but I COULD NOT STOP! Now, I just feel beyond crying. I *know* what is going on so I don't feel so blindsided this time, but, man, it still sneaks up on me. I am pretty sure having lost some weight and becoming active have helped me thus far, but it's still like a storm on the horizon. You see it and try to stay ahead of it, but it still catches up with you. Well, it's caught up. Though the storm metaphor isn't what I should use. I like the rain and storms. All last week it was fantastic (miserable to everyone else) weather. Personally, I would love to be on the beach of the above picture (which was taken somewhere on Long Island, NY).

Today it got sunny and hot and as the day has moved on the more morose I have felt. It is almost out of body because I can sort of see me and know all that I have in my life that is good, but everything still feels awful. It is also interesting how my faith just falters at these times. I start to feel (notice I don't say 'believe') that God and religion is just interesting spin humanity has put on suffering. Hey, we have to figure a way of making sense of the nonsensical, right?

What I find hysterical is that I take 'antidepressants' (hey, I got a crazy kid which is a pretty darn good excuse if you ask me). I can't imagine what life would feel like if I didn't take Prozac. The weird thing about depression is the bone depth exhaustion. It is quite overwhelming. The desperate need to just S L E E P. MY poor kids, what a fabulous legacy to leave them: depression, anxiety, hyperactivity, occasional mania...lucky them.

You know I would go out and walk but one of my feet decided to shred to bits from eczema. Woo Hoo.