An important truth about me

I am brilliant at planning. I am fantastic at coming up with ideas. I TOTALLY SUCK at executing any such plans or ideas. I love the idea of things but not the actuality of things. I think is is why I come off as so interesting and knowledgeable, but deep down know what a complete fraud I am.

Just a little FYI. :-)

Depression sucks

I gotta say I know I am not the only one who deals with depression, but mine is very seasonal. And where most people who deal with seasonal depression contend with it during Winter, mine is RIGHT NOW! I figured I would be able to handle it better now that I know it's coming. The last 4 years I have had mini breakdowns in Summer. They were semi-short lived, but horribly intense. Last Summer's was particularly bleak. I am not a cryer, per se, but I COULD NOT STOP! Now, I just feel beyond crying. I *know* what is going on so I don't feel so blindsided this time, but, man, it still sneaks up on me. I am pretty sure having lost some weight and becoming active have helped me thus far, but it's still like a storm on the horizon. You see it and try to stay ahead of it, but it still catches up with you. Well, it's caught up. Though the storm metaphor isn't what I should use. I like the rain and storms. All last week it was fantastic (miserable to everyone else) weather. Personally, I would love to be on the beach of the above picture (which was taken somewhere on Long Island, NY).

Today it got sunny and hot and as the day has moved on the more morose I have felt. It is almost out of body because I can sort of see me and know all that I have in my life that is good, but everything still feels awful. It is also interesting how my faith just falters at these times. I start to feel (notice I don't say 'believe') that God and religion is just interesting spin humanity has put on suffering. Hey, we have to figure a way of making sense of the nonsensical, right?

What I find hysterical is that I take 'antidepressants' (hey, I got a crazy kid which is a pretty darn good excuse if you ask me). I can't imagine what life would feel like if I didn't take Prozac. The weird thing about depression is the bone depth exhaustion. It is quite overwhelming. The desperate need to just S L E E P. MY poor kids, what a fabulous legacy to leave them: depression, anxiety, hyperactivity, occasional mania...lucky them.

You know I would go out and walk but one of my feet decided to shred to bits from eczema. Woo Hoo.

Harshing My Bliss

Okay I am back to whining. I am so frickin' pissed at this hive situation. Now I am getting them in my sleep...even if I nap. What!?! Am I not supposed to get too warm in my comfy bed now?! WTF!?! Here I am trying to change my life for the better. I am making better food choices, I am getting my butt to workout, and I *WAS* really enjoying it! Now I have hit a brick wall...no better yet...a big hivy, itchy, hot WALL! This is complete CRAP!

God, what is up? That's not a rhetorical statement, really God, what is up? I got Ben screaming down my neck to make him happy and find him something to do and I thought You helped me to find this place that I *was* in to help me through all this crap. Walking outside got me alone, in nature, with You. We even had some very nice conversations...or so I thought. Summer sucks for me, You know that, and walking and working out were really helping. Please make this go away. Don't let me be stuck here with no where to go when I need to have somewhere to go. I get the whole suffering thing. If I am not suffering due to Ben's issues, then I am suffering with some itchy allergic mess. I have offered this stuff to you, but I don't get it. Why cut me off at every pass? What do you want?
Oh, and lest I sound too ungrateful thank you for central air conditioning and benadryl. ~Amen~

Crankily yours,
Rach





In these pictures you can see a distinct redness in my face as opposed to my neck. What seems like acne on my face are hives that are what are called wheals (or welts) from bigger clusters of hives.  The worse thing, like anything could be worse than the maddening itch, is how flipping hot my face gets when the hives start. All I can do is hold a washcloth filled with ice against my face. It totally sucks.

Definitely Hives

Here's the deal.  I have not exercised today and just 10 minutes ago the right side of my face (which my hives seem to prefer) started to itch.  Now, I have 2 hot, red, itchy patches on my face: 1) the right side of my chin and 2) my right cheeck.  If I rub my hand over them I can feel a bunch of what feel like mosquito bites (those are the hives).  I was *just* heading down to my treadmill to walk and now that is O-U-T!  Crap!  I have also realized why exercising in the house, besides the A/C (which is set at 80, except for my bedroom which is 78, because this house is expensive to cool) has been better for dealing with hives.  It is because I can get to a cool shower almost immediately.  Whereas when I was out in the park I was covered in sweat for quite a while before getting it off of me. The heat and the salt (in my sweat) are form a deadly combo for triggering the hives.  As soon as I get sweaty I can bolt to a cold shower and head the hives off at the pass. Basically, I think I need to move to Juneau, Alaska. The high tops out around 45F this time of year (perfect for me).  I just need to whine one more time: 

THIS SUCKS!!!

Back to "offering it up".

P.S. Thanks, Rob, for commenting that you would "off yourself" if this happened to you.  What are you suggesting for me, exactly ? (hee hee).

You've GOT to be kidding me!?!

Hey! Thanks for caring where I was! (And you know who you are). I'm peeved because I have been working on turning myself back in to as close to the bad ass I was formerly. So, I been going out, everyday, walking or running and sweating and feeling great. I am getting thinner, fitter, and my muscle tone is super improved. What could possibly happen to screw this up? I will tell you what....I have been getting freakin HIVES after I exercise!!! I was kind of psyched when I truly felt compelled to start running. Granted, I wasn't getting far because I love to sprint (I was on the Track team in High School) so I still suck at pacing myself. Anyway, after a trip to my dermatologist I was told that I have something called cholinergic urticaria (I know sounds scary) which basically is exercise induced hives...go ahead...google it....I am NOT making this up!  I can't get overheated or overexert myself because BAM! my adorable face turns bright red, feels like it's on fire, starts to itch like mad and sometimes goes away after a few hours or worse a few DAYS!!!

Right now I am in a "goes away in a few DAYS" mode and it's been almost a week!! Now just my jaw line is itchy and I look 97% like myself. However, the Doc said I was a bit of a mystery...because I am also highly allergic. So, I could be being trigged by a combination of when I get flushed from exercise and my pores are open and I am outside it is easy for pollens, polutants, WHATEVER to get in my skin and make it go nuts. So, I am back in my house stuck on a treadmill which is B O R I N G!! But it has helped. I can only go about 35 to 40 minutes because when I am 'in the zone' is when the hives come out of hiding. I am hoping against hope that this is mostly seasonal/temperature related. Because when it starts to get cold in the Fall my butt is going to be back outside.

We are members of a pool so I have included swimming back in. I love to swim. I would have been on a swim team had I gone to a big enough high school.

Bottom line is that I will not be deterred!! I must go now, my Hunny rented a Netflix movie for me!!! It's 27 Dresses a total chick flick...yahoo.

A shot of me in my former days (I'm trying to get back some of it):