Fighting the urge to run

...and I don't mean jogging. I mean run away kinda run. I have been praying and doing everything to stifle this urge to flee my current life. What is pathetic is that there is really nothing wrong with my current life. Okay, well, I *do* have a child who suffers from mental illness, which has in turn, made me a complete whack job, but everything else...to others looking in....would seem just peachy. 

I, literally, have to get away from everyone and breathe really deeply, like Lamaze, until the overwhelming impulse to bolt passes. It scares me that I even feel this way. My conscience is working overtime to talk me out of insanity. What I wouldn't give to be in my early twenties again. I had my life stretched out in front of me, like a blank slate. Now, I have a past behind me with so many mistakes that it's like a bad essay a high school Lit teacher has hashed through with a red pen. 

I am NOT having a pity party for myself.  There isn't anything to pity, really. I am not looking for sympathy either. I just feel so stagnantly still, so pointless, it's as if moving would distract me and keep me on a trajectory forward so that I couldn't stay still and think...of all the mistakes, wasted time, fear, missed opportunities, and forks in the road where I so should have turned in the opposite direction of where I did turn.

I feel desperate to be alone, but I can't ever really get that alone time. 

(insert expletive here _ _ _ _!) 

Prayers

I just want to thank everyone out there, who I know and who I don't, who has prayed for our family over the last few days. It is amazing. The prayers of others can be seen and felt. Ben had a miraculous day, at school, yesterday. He was telling me in the car, ON THE WAY TO SCHOOL, that he felt really happy inside. I told him I was thrilled to hear it and that it was because so many people are praying for him. When Ben got home, however, things weren't so great. But hey, at least it DID NOT have anything to do with school. We were back to being "the most unfair, mean parents ever" over something else entirely.

I, however, am still in the weirdest darn place. I can't even describe it. It is a like a slow emotional descent. Part of the reason *I* am dealing with stuff fairly well right now is that I literally DON'T CARE about much. It's like everything has been stripped away and so little really matters. I don't necessarily feel depressed or sad and I can still laugh and smile. I just feel kinda numb....just resigned. It's kind of like my vulnerability has a forcefield around it. I think I am unconsciously cocooning my emotions. Kinda like it is safer if they just stay shut up and away. My angry outbursts are starting to dissipate, which I think is directly related to not caring. If you don't care, you don't get angry. This clearly must be my mode of self-preservation, which I posted about earlier. I think I am just going to have to ride this out...there is no use fighting it.

I DO want to let everyone know that yesterday I prayed for the intentions of all those who have been praying for me. I hope you are all doubly blessed.

Peace,