Okay, so I guess we are into our 3 rd week of Summer vacation and I am ready to wound myself in a near fatal way so that I can be in the hospital on a steady morphine drip. THAT is my idea of a vacation...a real get away...from reality altogether. I mean, I know that pretty much everyone with a soon to be 14 year old has dreams of suicide ( or homicide) , but when that kid is also bipolar well all bets are off. The kid is on meds, but it's not like they have developed anything that I know of that would give him an entirely new personality, let alone happier more stable moods. Of course, there is Haldol, but I am really not interested in hanging him on the bathrobe hook at the back of my closet door....hmmmmm...or am I???
And should I really be complaining at all? After all, didn't I bring this on myself...fighting with my younger brother all those years ago...I seem to remember my mom muttering a curse of some kind, that my behavior would be revisited on me. Well, shit, it really has!!! Autumn and Ben and their constant bickering over the dumbest things makes me wonder why I didn't have my ovaries ripped out before I was of childbearing age, like I'm going to have done to my puppy next week.
So, what I am trying to do, when I find that my 13 yr old son has surfed porn for the first ( and better be last) time on my iPad, (there was nothing like opening the browser that day...his PC is completely protected from him looking for it there) is trying to remember the sweet baby I nursed and carried in a sling and adored. And it's not so easy, because what I see in front of me is the greasy headed, smart ass teenager who is so hostile to his little sister and to me and his dad. He lives to bicker and argue and I want to send him flying out the window (without a net). There is no pithy cute happy ending to this post. It's gonna be a long Summer. I hate the heat to begin with, the only upshot to Summer for me is the ability to sleep in, but the new puppy has effectively ended that, sooo I figure I have a couple of months to perfect drinking heavily. But if you hear I'm in the hospital on a morphine drip, because of some 'freak' accident, don't be sad for me. Know that I am
probably enjoying the vacation of a lifetime..... in my head.
8 months ago