Baby Blues

Okay I admit it...I am sad.  But I don't have baby blues in the traditional sense of mild PPD.  I have baby blues because I am blue that I don't have a baby.  My 'baby' is 8 years old.  I have a lot of friends who have had or are having babies this year.  I WANT ONE TOO!  I have written about this before, but I am going to be 42 in a little over a month and I just see time slipping away.  

Some people think I am nuts, but, I really love everything about babies: nursing, cuddling, co-sleeping even diapering!  I like diapering coz I am a cloth diaperer and it's just so earth mama.  I really love it.  I am not the only one either because Elizabeth Foss posted an article on her blog about a year ago about how much she loved cloth diapering.   I am NOT ready to give up babies.  I am just not.  I push this desire down so deeply because it is really heart breaking when it surfaces.  

Yes, I have 3 kids.  Some say I should be grateful for what I have and not complain.  Well, that is the whole point to my complaining.  I AM GRATEFUL for the kids I have and I WANT MORE!!

There are moms out there with 4, 5, 6, 7 8, and more kids.  Why can't I be one of them?  I mean, am I a horrible mother?  I just don't get it. I am not really asking for answers, I am just venting. There are thousands of women who are going to find out they are pregnant today and many will have their babies and many will kill them through abortion.  Why are some allowed such precious gifts just to turn around and trash them?  And why are others like me, or women who have never conceived, barred the right to conceive a child?   

God can make this happen...yet, so far, he hasn't...and you know what?  I am pissed!!!  There, I said it.  I am really mad that He is not allowing me to get pregnant again. UGH!!!

:-(