School is ruining my life

I hate school and I hate schooling. I am speaking here of school from prek-12th grade. So much of it is complete bullshit. Let me repeat that...BULLSHIT...big stinky hot piles of bull poo poo! (College is not compulsory. You either choose it or you don't. Andrew is loving college.)  You know when people say to homeschoolers (which one rarely hears anymore), "What about your child's socialization?" Well, to be honest, THAT is about the only value I see to schools. I spoke with Andrew recently about high school and asked him for an honest assessment since he's graduated. He told me the only stuff he really got out of high school are 1) friends and the bands he formed 2) the video-broadcasting dept 3) Fencing.  Two out of the 3 things were mostly social. The video stuff was what he always wanted to do. He said he would have been happy to go and learn about the video stuff, play drums and guitar all day, and occasionally Fence... if he had the choice. I asked him if he missed it at all. He said, "No."

I think it would be super cool if there were a place for homeschooled kids to hang out with a variety of friends of different ages, everyday, for a few hours. But not the way school does it, nor even the way many homeschoolers do it. I mean totally unstructured getting together just to hang kinda time. Even homeschoolers often only get together under the auspices of 'doing something schooly' UGH!!! JUST STOP IT ALREADY!!! Why do homeschoolers copy schoolers AT ALL!?! See that is where school has it all wrong. The socialization in schools, for the most part, is artificial. It takes place under the watchful eyes of 'authorities' and kids can't do what they are interested in. I would love to see a cool place with a big video game room with a bunch of geeky kids playing Halo 3 or Gears of War. Then there could be another room where kids were watching movies, one for art, one for reading, one for chatting and board games, a lab for experiments and on and on. Outside there were would be kids exploring the woods and some playing athletic games. A place like this could be staffed by the parents, each lending his or her special talents to helping kids learn and do whatever it is they are interested in doing whether that is accounting skills, knitting a sweater, designing a computer game, building a website, or baking a cake. How cool would that be?  I know it's been done. Summerhill is a good example. So are Sudbury Valley Schools. They are Unschooling schools, but I am thinking more of a learning enrichment center. 

So, Ben is going to his school just when the 'fun stuff' happens. He is attending the latter half of the day for a social skills class, lunch, and a fun elective (alternates between science experiments and indoor/outdoor athletics).  This is a private school that caters to special kids. But they are still freaked out that Ben isn't being 'educated'.  I think he's getting plenty of an education just hanging with these kids and developing friendships while realizing he can be away from the family (esp. ME) and not DIE.  But all the hoops I have to jump through are just making me loathe any school: public or private they are all a pain in my ass!  I thought, mistakenly, that when I started paying for a school that they would be more willing to work with me in the best interests of Ben. Okay, the private school is much better than the public school he went to (and I am NOT blaming teachers, I am BLAMING the administrators and the state/federal gov't for the public school's inflexibility) but the private school still has an agenda and we had to twist some arms to get what we have now.  Let me be clear in saying that the private school administrators have been fabulously accommodating, but they still want it to go 'their way' when all is said and done.

Anyway, school has been ruining my life for years now. I haven't needed school for Ben.  I have needed what I proposed above for Ben.  If I had the money I would open such a 'place' myself. I think a relative would have to die and leave me money first, so I am not counting on opening any such 'place' anytime soon.  

Leonie just sent me a copy of a book that only confirms all of the feelings I have had about schooling, and unschooling, and has me pining for a simpler life. Especially because of all the shit we have had to wade through these last years regarding Ben and school. I am just so tired of it all.  At first things look like they will work, people make promises they can't keep, Ben falls apart and our family life explodes. I hate it and I just want it to stop!!! Yes, Ben can drive me absolutely out of my skull. However, school is driving him nuts so I am even more crazy. The stress is just insane. I am sick to death of all the frickin outside interference into our lives. I bet I could have gotten a homeschooled teenager to come and play video games with Ben a couple times a week for alot cheaper than his darn school costs. (Yes, I am getting about 2/3rd the tuition back in State vouchers, but not until the end of the school year will I recoup it all. So, we had to pay the whole 18K out of pocket up front.) I know I could have paid a teenager less and there would be far more peace in our home. 

Man, I am an idiot. Will I ever learn what God has been trying to teach me for so long....to let Go and Trust. And to think I have the AUDACITY to get pissed at my kids for not "listening to me" when I tell them to do something a hundred times. How flipping long has God been telling me to stop trusting 'so called experts with my kids and start trusting my kids and myself. I am the best expert on my kids.  I think God's been at this with me for 19 years. How wonderfully patient he is with me and how horribly impatient I am with my kids. Jeez, I really suck.

 UGH!!!!

A shocking epiphany

I know there is a really good chance my kids will read this someday, so it is probably not a good idea to write this down. Also, some may not like me as much for being honest but here it is: I don't like kids. I love babies and toddlers, maybe preschoolers, but between about 5 & 6 and 13&14 they could all be away at a boarding school and I think I would be happy. I think teenagers, at least the ones I know personally, are really cool. So, this leaves me with 2 kids who are 8 and 11 and in that perpetually annoying age. It drives me crazy how hungry they always are and what messes they make. It bugs the hell out of me that they are so easily bored and not easily amused. They are also demanding, especially Ben, and I don't always give in...but it doesn't matter. Andrew, in all honesty, is the most fun right now. He's old enough to have interesting conversations with, I love his sense of humor, his taste in music, and that he totally understands the value of a nap. I love seeing the person he is...who he is making himself into. Autumn and Ben (especially Ben) still don't know who they are and this in between time grates on me.

I love babies because their needs are so pure and basic...warm arms, boobs, sleep, clean diapers. I can do that. I am really good at that. Toddlers find everything fascinating. Preschoolers are equally as interesting as they move toward autonomy. But elementary through middle school age. What a pain. All the crappy aspects of ourselves we start to see: selfishness, greed, jealousy, arguing, sloth. Here I am a Catholic mom, who has thought she wanted more kids all this time, and now I am not so sure. Granted, I am 42 so maybe the effects of aging and impatience has caught up with me. I still love the idea of a baby though. But then I remember what happens around 5 or 6. Plus, I don't like to play. I mean I love the goofy playing you can do with babies and toddlers. I love going to concerts and talking about new music with my teen. But I don't want to play Barbies, stuffed animals, color for hours on end, read comic books, play shooter games on Xbox 360. This is my blog so I will say it: "I hate feeling like I have to entertain my kids", but at the same time am totally pissed that the youngest ones default to TV/Macs/PCs/Gaming.

Maybe I didn't have enough kids (and I am not kidding here). Maybe there are too few kids too far apart. They don't really have built in buddies. It is too late for me to do anything about that. Even if I got pregnant now, and we loosely use NFP so it is always a possibility, Autumn would be 9 by the time another baby was born, Ben would be almost 13 and Andrew would be 19! Andrew is not interested in Hannah Montana or Webkinz and he isn't into video gaming much anymore. He only likes gaming when he is with friends and they have a Halo shoot 'em up or Guitar Hero contest. Autumn's and Ben's only common interest is TV and swimming. Autumn is pretty girly and Ben is not into that stuff at ALL! Plus they fight like Israel and Palestine. I'm sick of trying to make peace and am strongly considering nuking them both.

I feel burnt out by mothering. I loathe the idea of sending Autumn to school, so I don't know what I am going to do. I wouldn't want to send Autumn to public school, but don't have the money to send her to a private school...Ben's issues have seen to that. I guess it's good that the Catholic Church says to be open to life, but that you don't have to have a ton of kids. Maybe this truth of mine, that I have been unable to really notice, until today, is the reason God has prevented me from getting pregnant these last 5+ years when I have really wanted another baby. Maybe he wanted me open, but knows me better than I do myself, and therefore gives lots of babies to people like my friends: Sara B., Rob, Leonie, Kath, Jennifer, Wendy, Melissa W. etc...

I find myself thinking of other things to do with my time instead of constant laundry, cleaning, cooking, cleaning, breaking up fights, cleaning, begging them to do chores, cleaning, grocery shopping, cleaning, prodding them to read or pleading with them to let me read to them, cleaning...you get the picture.

Maybe I am just having a crappy day. Dunno?

Mosh pit!

Okay, some days (like this one) I just want to blast a song like this and bash my head into a wall. Hmmm, maybe I should teach Ben to slam dance. That might be a good way of getting our angst out. Oh, I forgot to wish Matthew Bellamy...the adorable singer and guitarist in this video... a belated Happy 30th Birthday (it was June 9th). Ahhh...to be 30 again!

Just another Manic (Depressive) Monday

Ryan (Ben's oldest and most loved friend) & Ben (my adorable pain in the *ss)

Anyone who has visited here with any regularity knows that our middle child, Ben, suffers from Bipolar Disorder (Manic-Depression).  You also know that we started home (un) schooling with Andrew and had every intention of unschooling through High School with all the kids. Well, Andy, on his own, decided at 14 that he wanted to try High School and entered 9th grade and the rest is history. He will be graduation from our local public school this Friday. Ben was home through the end of 1st grade, at which point either he was going to go to school or I would be incarcerated for what I did to him if he didn't go to school. So, Ben went to a special needs public school all of 2nd grade. Then he went to 3rd grade, in a regular classroom (BIG MISTAKE!) and after Christmas was pulled out to be homeschooled the rest of the year.  Then for 4th grade he was homeschooled until after Christmas. At that point he was completely destabilizing and was headed for the psych hospital if we didn't do something quick. So, our fabulous and very understanding of Attachment Style Parenting psychiatrist finally put Ben on Lithium.  Then, so that mommy and daddy didn't end up in the psych hospital Ben went back to school for the last half of 4th grade.  This time he went back to the special needs public school.  Finally, this year, Ben went to all of 5th grade at aforementioned school and will be out this FRIDAY!  AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!  Somebody pleeeeeeeeeeezzzzze Heeeeeelllllppppp!  

Just because Ben takes a very low dose of 3 meds to help stabilize his moods it doesn't mean, that while those meds are active, he shows no signs of Bipolar. OH NO!  It's that instead of being a big,  self-centered, hostile, seething, ungrateful A-Hole, he is just a smaller self-centered, annoying, petulant kind of A-Hole.  Now, before you go getting all mad at me, live with a Bipolar kid first, then judge me.  Ben absolutely has his wonderful moments...but in this adorable son's case...familiarity can breed contempt REALLY FAST! And absence REALLY does make the heart grow fonder (which is why school, in Ben's case, is a really good thing!)

Therefore, I am truly grateful to the passing of Senate Bill 10 here in Georgia.  This will allow us to receive the funds from the school system, that Ben gets from the state for having an IEP, and have them put toward a private school which takes the voucher. And that is a VERY GOOD thing because we found the perfect school for Ben and I will finally be truly happy with where he is during the school day come this Fall.  But, and this is a very big BUT, I am still left with an entire Summer with Ben and it freaks me out.  Let me say, Ben is not violent. Prior to his diagnosis, when he was almost 8, he was violent...only toward me, though.  But since the meds, he's just really demanding and basically everything is "all about Ben".  He doesn't get that other people have lives to lead. I think it comes from feeling uncomfortable in his own skin, but Ben operates on a "what is in this for me" mode at all times.

What this all boils down to is: PRAY FOR ME!!!  Summer is really tough for Ben and, as a result, it's tough for all of us, especially me.  The last 4 Summers I have, literally, lost it and had complete breakdowns. They occur often in July.  The pressure to keep Ben (along with Autumn) busy, happy and STABLE can make me come unglued.  There is no "just letting things role off your back" with Ben.  As well, there really is no "just hanging out" . The kid can't stand to be bored.  I, on the other hand, could happily lie on the couch plugged into a Nano for hours.  I could also read a book for hours. Not gonna happen with Ben.

So, if I slip into your mind for a second, just say,"God, help Rachel help Ben."

And if you are interested, here's a little bit of what it's like to live with a kid like Ben (based on the show 24)

Thanks!!!

Mother's Day

I have to say that since my sweet mommy died, almost 8 years ago, I don't much like Mother's Day.  I know that I am a mom...and I love that I am...but I don't need the day for me.  I miss it for my mom.  So, here's to you, my sweet mom in Heaven, I love you and I really miss you.

A great thing today is that I really am committed to being a healthier mom for my kids. I want to be here for as long as possible.  Life is a crapshoot and I could be hit by a truck tomorrow.  However, as far as what I can do to lengthen my life, on my part, I am going to do.  I want to see as many grandchildren as I can.

I got on the scale this morning and I am down another 3 pounds, making my total weight loss of 8 pounds.  I have decided I really want to get  back to my early marriage weight of 135.  That's what I was until Mom died. After was when I started packing on the pounds.  So, as of today I have 25 pounds to go.  I have been using  my treadmill and walking outdoors when the pollen count isn't too terrible.  I think I am going to have to haul out the Bowflex (from the storage room), dust it off, and watch the video on how to use it again.

I am already down a size from 14 to 12, so I am psyched about that...size 8 here I come. 

It was Mother's Day 2000 that was the last Mother's Day I was to have with my Mom.  She died just 5 short months later.  I want more time here than my Mom had so I have to stick with this 'getting healthy' thing so I can stick around.

Have a wonderful day all you Mom pals of mine out there in cyberspace and IRL.  I love you!

~Peace

You do the "Mommy" math

Take this


Add one of these


plus this


plus this


plus this


oh, and add these in too


and you get this


who now looks like this (note the one, in the black suit, kissing the child)

I have news for me, the black suit isn't helping!

Baby Blues

Okay I admit it...I am sad.  But I don't have baby blues in the traditional sense of mild PPD.  I have baby blues because I am blue that I don't have a baby.  My 'baby' is 8 years old.  I have a lot of friends who have had or are having babies this year.  I WANT ONE TOO!  I have written about this before, but I am going to be 42 in a little over a month and I just see time slipping away.  

Some people think I am nuts, but, I really love everything about babies: nursing, cuddling, co-sleeping even diapering!  I like diapering coz I am a cloth diaperer and it's just so earth mama.  I really love it.  I am not the only one either because Elizabeth Foss posted an article on her blog about a year ago about how much she loved cloth diapering.   I am NOT ready to give up babies.  I am just not.  I push this desire down so deeply because it is really heart breaking when it surfaces.  

Yes, I have 3 kids.  Some say I should be grateful for what I have and not complain.  Well, that is the whole point to my complaining.  I AM GRATEFUL for the kids I have and I WANT MORE!!

There are moms out there with 4, 5, 6, 7 8, and more kids.  Why can't I be one of them?  I mean, am I a horrible mother?  I just don't get it. I am not really asking for answers, I am just venting. There are thousands of women who are going to find out they are pregnant today and many will have their babies and many will kill them through abortion.  Why are some allowed such precious gifts just to turn around and trash them?  And why are others like me, or women who have never conceived, barred the right to conceive a child?   

God can make this happen...yet, so far, he hasn't...and you know what?  I am pissed!!!  There, I said it.  I am really mad that He is not allowing me to get pregnant again. UGH!!!

:-(

The problem with modern birth.

My birth with my first was like this only it ended up with me being knocked out and c-sectioned. I didn't see Andrew until he was a day old. I love that Monty Python did this so many years ago. I knew a home birth Nurse-Midwife who showed this clip to all of her clients. It's a shame that things really haven't gotten much better. My friend Rebecca, who just had baby Terry (my Godson who is doing a lot better and is home now), went through almost this exact thing a couple of weeks ago. She didn't see Terry for TWO DAYS!! She's still very upset about all of it.  Needless to say, he is having problems nursing now too. Moms need to be protected, supported and loved during labor and delivery...not treated like the least important thing in a room full of expensive dehumanizing machines...that go 'PING!'

Bad Mommy

I have finally come to the conclusion, and there is no running from it anymore, that I am not being a good mom. I don't spend enough time with my kids. I spend plenty of time around them, but not enough with them. This is something I have felt so guilty about for so long. I think I just have to put it out there. I was reading a bunch of reviews for various parenting books on Amazon and came across one called Playful Parenting and the arrows of guilt went flying right through my chest. It's not that I am a super serious mom, I am fun and funny. I just tend to get self-absorbed and distracted by cleaning the house or running errands...B A D...M O M!!! I feel like I pawn the kids off on playing with their friends, which of course they love to do, but I feel like *I* really need to 'do stuff' with them more.

I think I am a great mom to Andrew. I relate so much better to him. Maybe because he is a teenager. I love music, he loves music. We love to listen to alot of the same stuff and talk about it and find cool new stuff to listen to. I don't want to play alot of girlie stuff with Autumn or video games with Ben because they make me really sleepy. I know this is terrible. I am NOT looking for comfort. I get really mad when Ben tries everything in his power to coerce me to play video games. Except for Guitar Hero which is fun, I don't want to shoot people in Halo 3 or kick the crap out of them in Mortal Kombat. I like reading stories to my two youngest kids, but they won't always let me.

Here I am this AP (attachment parenting) mom and I feel like I am majorly dropping the ball..total fraudville! I mean, when the weather is nice I will take the kids to play tennis or play baseball outside. But inwardly I am wanting my husband to do those things...you know...be the dad that throws the ball. It's not something he does much.

Also, with Ben's relentless demands and moodiness I tend to run away from him and find something else I really need to do...like laundry etc. I know I am the mom who is forever saying, "Hold on a minute." or "I'll be right there." or "Maybe later." And I try and avoid them. Oh, I am so BAD! Why am I like this? (No one needs to answer that...it's more a question I am posing to myself.) You know, it's that I am selfish. I get bored doing things that aren't mentally stimulating and literally start to fall asleep. How do I get my kids to do stuff that won't put me to sleep and that we will all love?

I love snuggling them, I love chatting with them, I will take them places. I nursed them all for years not months, we co-slept with all of them. I just have such a hard time playing. Am I alone in this?
For those of you moms out there that are great at playing with your kids...how do you do it?

Brutally Honest

Today is another snowy day.  How awesome...twice in a week...in Atlanta.  Thank you, God, for this gift.  I am trying to focus on this simple pleasure, this peacefully snowing white covered day, because the brutal truth is that I want to run away and never come back. 

This is my blog and I can write what I want to write and it is that I am overloaded from dealing with my Bipolar son.  Here it is...a snow day.  It has been snowing since morning.  One would think, that since a day like this is the stuff of dreams for Ben, he would actually be happy. Oh, but God Forbid!  I can not adequately, nor will I ever, be able to put into words what it is like having a child with this particular mental illness, nor what it is like mothering him.  Moms want their kids to be happy, and do alot to make them happy (within reason so they don't turn out to be evil little brats).  But there is really nothing I can ever do, that will maybe last more than 15  minutes, that will ever make Ben happy.  His mind will not let him be happy.  Yet, he spends most of his waking time either angry, and angry at me (or another family member) because by not doing "x, y, z" with him we are not making him happy.  Then, when we do do things that would make any other kids delirious with joy, Ben will look at me as if to say, "You think that's what I f*cking wanted?  You couldn't be more wrong."  Oh, he doesn't say it, but trust me, that is EXACTLY what the look conveys. 

Parents without kids like this, no matter how well meaning, often just don't get what it is like to be continually hounded by a person who can only think of making whatever happens to be their agenda, that day, happen.  Even I forget what it's like when I am around other kids,  like in various homeschool coops,  with my neurotypical daughter,  and I see the relative ease with which adults and kids interact.  All kids can be obnoxious, unruly, selfish, stubborn, unhappy, demanding, etc at times.  However, Ben, really can only think of whatever it is his mind is telling him it needs in order for him to stay even, calm, happy, balanced.  But most often, those things can not be allowed to happen all the time.  I will not (and can not) buy him everything he decides he wants to have (and oh does he WANT STUFF).  He is unrelenting in his pursuit of acquisitions.  No matter how much I pray, beg, cajole, yell, threaten, he doesn't get that he has to stop his relentlessly perseverative demand for his WANTS or Mommy is going to fall apart and he will have a hell of a time making and keeping friends, because everything is always about Ben.

I feel guilty, empty, hollow, lonely, hurt, despairing, physically exhausted, emotionally beaten down, inept, perpetually unprepared, very sad, afraid, angry, heartbroken, did I mention guilty (because I even feel this way about my own child) alone, misunderstood, judged, out-of-control, at-the-end-of-my-rope, sick-to-my-stomach, anxious, depressed, like-I-want-to-run-away, in-over-my-head, spiritually abandoned, like-a-total-whiner, and it's not going to change much.  For Ben, there are good moments, but there are rarely good days.  I have no idea what puberty is going to be like, for Ben, but I am not looking forward to it.  I know God has a plan, but I don't know what the Hell it is, and you know what?  YES! I would like to be clued in!!!! 

And you know, Ben hates having Bipolar too.  He hates that he can fly into a rage that can last for hours and that he can scream such hateful, hurtful things at people he loves, with no feeling of being able to stop himself.

There is only so much meds can do.  If you have a perpetual headache you can take tylenol or motrin everyday, but there will still be times that the headache breaks through because it is always there.

I will struggle Ben's whole life with feeling like I am either a horrible mother or that I did do the right thing by him.  I just want to cry but am afraid the tears would never stop...so I don't.   I  am on 2 medicines myself just to help me deal with raising Ben.  My sanity is definitely hanging by a thread.  I KNOW God is out there, I just FEEL abandoned.  It's a feeling not reality.  It just feels real.

God, please hear my prayers for peace in my son's mind, and answer them. Amen.

An odd thing to complain about...

is that I don't have enough of these (above). I mean babies. That was Autumn at a few weeks old. The fact that I have only 3 kids depresses me because I want more! "Only THREE kids!", says the world. "Why that's plenty, probably one too many!", says the world. But not to me. And now I feel the sting of what those women who wait until now (I'm 41) to even have just ONE baby feel: the ticking clock. I have wanted another child (I'd take more than just one) for 5 years this Fall. I remember about 2 years after my Mom, Melissa, died, that I started feeling this nudge. Now, at the time my dh would have rather had his head repeatedly smashed into a cement wall than have another child. His real words, not mine. I figured baby #4 would be inevitably a lost cause.

Interestingly, I was not Catholic, but a practicing conservatve Presbyterican (PCA) when Autumn was born, in early 2000. I had planned on having my tubes tied after her birth. However, the OB assigned to the task said I should wait. (Let me tell you that God definitely intervened there!) Then, shortly after my Mom had died (when Autumn was 7 months old) I was scheduled to have my tubes tied. Again God intervened by way of my dh who, though supportive of the tubal, didn't want to risk something going wrong...seeing as we had just lost Mom.

So, we let things go, by which I mean I didn't get "fixed". Then when Autumn was around 2 years old, I not only felt called to Catholicism (and, trust me, it was a calling, because I was a very anti-Catholic Christian...You know, the kind trying to "Save" Catholics out of their Church) but I also felt strongly about having another child. It was also somewhere around this time dh decided that he would get evaluated for a sterlization. The doctor had to schedule dh out several weeks and God intervened a third time because dh decided he didn't want to do it...even though dh still didn't want more kids.

Fast forward a year and I am sitting in the RCIA room with Deacon Lloyd (father of 10) and he is taking my last 2 concerns about becoming Catholic. 1) Confession and 2)No "artificial" contraception. Now, I wasn't Catholic yet. I had never heard the term "Cafeteria Catholic", I assumed that all Catholics actually followed the Church's teaching. Afterall, when you come from outside of Catholicism, that is what you are asked to do in RCIA if you want to walk down that isle Easter Vigil (or whenever...as in my case it was 11/11/03). So, thanks to Deacon Lloyd's exceptional understanding of the Catholic faith, the Bible and Church history plus his personable style (okay AND some help from the writings of Scott Hahn) we tackled Confession pretty quickly and painlessly.

The birth control thing had me confounded. Personally, I loathe contraception. I didn't need the Church to tell me it was wrong. I mean, what is to separate me from any other woman my husband could be with? Why I on earth should I be protected from my fertility or his fertility? Is there something wrong with us? Contraception is so misogynistic at it's core. You take a perfectly normal, functioning woman and drown her with hormones or insert her with gadgets to prevent her body from doing what it is supposed to do...create life. So, women, being reduced to not even man-ness is what we get? For what, to be at the beck and call of men who are continually fertile. So, for their sexual appetites, we supress our own by medically inducing ourselves into eunuchs. And that is Feminism? Ha! Yeah right. No thanks.

Seeing that I had already loathed contraception because I have used (and hated) it ALL. Plus that it made me feel no different than any other woman. In that, with contraception you can be with whoever, so what makes being a wife so special if I still have to protect myself from my husband or my husband has to protect himself from me. I had resorted to NFP on my own. I used it get pregnant with Ben and Autumn. But now, coming into the Church I was told it would be my only conception preventing option and though I was well on my way to wanting another child (so I was fine with it) my husband wasn't too thrilled with the idea of nothing but NFP, because he didn't really trust that it actually works (he knows better now). Deacon Lloyd (and my first year of Familia) helped me to see how God really wants us to give of ourselves not just spiritually but physically...just like Christ did. I don't protect myself from receiving Christ in the Eucharist and all the spiritual fruit that births into my soul, so why would I want to protect myself from receiving my husband and all the physical fruit that could birth into my life?

After I finally got the "total, faithful and fruitful love" concept of my communion with Christ and his Church and my communion with my husband, NFP started to work it's real magic on me. And that is that NFP actually makes you want to have more babies because you start to see what a miracle fertility is and how spiritually powerful sacramental-marital sexuality is! Because as I charted those months and years, and abstained because dh wasn't ready for another child, I became brokenhearted at all the possible opportunities for bringing another immortal soul into this world. I read other moms blogs and got a pang of sadness when I read they are expecting #4 or 5 or 6 or.....

So, women of God out there, rejoice in your womanhood. Take pride in the amazing way God made you. Bring more immortal souls to this earth to grow up and glorify God...oh yeah...and pray for me that I can have another baby.

If I hear,"Mom!" one more time I'll....

S C R E A M!

I know I must sound like an ungrateful b*tch, but I give and give and give and the kids take and take and take and I feel like I am going to explode. Thank God for blogs!

Okay, I feel better now!

R

Ahh, the weekend & What is it with kids?

Aren't Friday afternoons just fabulous? Especially when you are staring down a 3 DAY weekend. Woo Hoo! There is so much promise of relaxation and friendly get togethers, time alone at the computer (a Mom can dream, can't she?) and sleeping in. I love sleeping in. It's been really cold the last couple of weeks and there is nothing like snuggling in bed beneath toasty warm flannel sheets and a thick heavy comforter. I think that is probably my favorite place to be in the world...Yup! A warm bed on a cold day. Nothin' beats it.
My kids better let me stay there tomorrow morning!!

Now, on to those darn kids. I couldn't love them anymore than I already do, but is it me or is it the kids these days who seem to need to be entertained 24/7? And not by just TV or Movies, but by other people? I played happily, blissfully on my own as a kid. It was my preference, and am not an only child. Sure I wanted to play with friends now and again. I am a very social person. I love people...LOVE THEM. However, I LOVE being alone too. I can figure out a thousand different things to do on my own. There is no boredome with me. So, I go completely nuts when my kids, especially the younger two, start complaining about being bored. Now, I know they are not reading yet, Ben because of his multiple LDs and Autumn just because she is a typical 1st grade reader, but that is not the problem. I love reading to them. However, I am 40 so reading out loud (or silently) puts me in a coma everytime. I usually last 30 minutes then I'm gone.

C'mon though, how many moms out there are playing with their kids for a large part of the day? I bet there aren't a lot. Why, then, do I feel so darned guilty about it? Is it that kids are so sheltered theses days that if there aren't friends in their neighborhood that they turn to mom and dad? I am not against playing with my kids. I have done it plenty. But jeez enough already. I am just afraid that if I give in to this constant need for entertainment that they will grow up unable to entertain themselves. Or worse yet, they will never let themselves be in the silence of what some would call boredom, but a great many others would see as an opportunity for self-assessment and prayer.

Gotta go, friends comin' over for pizza...ahh Friday nites!
Rach

Love is where it's at.

Okay, so Autumn is in an early Lindsay Lohan phase. She started watching the remake of Parent Trap and is now on to the remake of Freak Friday. I, personally, loved both of those remakes. I imagine she'll want me to track down the Herbie (the Lovebug) remake Lohan did too. It's a shame that Lindsay, herself, seems so messed up. She's got a lot of talent. But that doesn't mean much...really? If one doesn't have their priorities straight and/or they possibly had a family modeling messed up values, all the talent in the world won't save one from loneliness, despair and sinful choices.

So, I won't feel guilty that Autumn is having a Movie day. Coz even though, Lohan, personally, may be trying to figure out what is most important in life, the girls she's playing, in the movies Autumn is watching, are girls who find out what IS the most important thing in life, which for a young girl , happen to be a loving family life. Everything good can flow from that.

I am in a Scripture & Papal Encyclical study at my Parish. It is a 4 year program for Moms and there is one for Dads. However, at our parish, there weren't enough dads to form a group (kinda typical huh?) . Anyway, I digress. In Familia, we are studying encyclicals written by Pope John Paul II (the Great). He constantly reinforces the Truth that the family IS the domestic Church. The family is where IT all starts. IT being LOVE. This is why it is so important to work at having a loving marriage (which is no cake walk!). My kids may blush and turn away when Robert is kissing me or I am giving him a welcome home from work hug. But they are lucky kids. They know their parents really love each other (though, unfortunately they've heard the arguments too) and that nothing will change that. How can I be so sure? Because Robert and I, finally got our priorities straight. God comes first. God is love. Real love. Demanding love. But, of course, the best love.

In the "Letter to Families" section 14, JP II writes:
14. The Love which the Apostle Paul celebrates in the First Letter to the Corinthians -
the love which is "patient" and "kind" and "endures all things" (1 Cor 13:4,7) -
is certainly a demanding love. But this is precisely the source of it's beauty: by
the very fact that is is demanding, it builds up the true good of man and allows
it to radiate to others. The good says Saint Thomas, is by it's nature "diffusive".
Love is true when it creates the good of persons and communities; it creates
that good and gives it to others. Only the one who is able to be demanding with
himself in the name of love can also demand love from others. Love is demanding
It makes demands in all human situations; it is even more demanding in the case
of those who are open to the Gospel. Is this not what Christ proclaims in "his"
commandment? Nowadays people need to rediscover this demanding love, for
it is the truly firm foundation of the family, a foundation able to "endure
all things". According to the Apostle, love is not able to "endure all things" if
it yields to "jealousies", or if it is "boastful... arrogant or rude" (cf. 1 Cor 13: 5-6).
True love, Saint Paul teaches, is different: "Love believes all things, hopes all
things, endures all things" (1 Cor 13:7). This is the very love which "endures all
things". At work within it is the power of God himself, who "is love" (1 Jn 4:8,16)
At work is also the power and strength of Christ, the Redeemer of man and the
Savior of the world.



That is "the" kind of love Robert and I stumbled upon (thanks entirely to God's grace) a few years ago, and amazingly love each other more, because of how demanding love is, instead of less. So, I guess that is what is wrong with the real lives of those like Lindsay Lohan...too much superficial love. The "it's all about me" kind of love. Which really isn't love, but lust for things, people, experiences. JP II takes about real love being the "gift of one's self for/to others". The fake love is about what gifts one can give to oneself. Isn't it interesting that you can empty yourself for God and others, out of love, and feel so FULL...yet, you can acquire "people, places, things" all day long and be left feeling so entirely EMPTY? Well, I want to feel full. I want my kids to feel full. And they will only feel full if Robert and I love each other and love them with the kind of love God wants...then maybe (with a lot of hope and prayer) they will grow up to have what poor Miss Lohan is missing...authentic, demanding, wonderful LOVE!

Peace out,
Rach