My Hunny sums it up quite nicely

Here is a bit of what has happened with Ben's first week at school. My husband's post does not cover the epic meltdown Ben had, this morning, on day 4 of school.  He was crying and screaming and was NOT going to go to school. He decided that he would be homeschooled (not a good idea for Ben or for mommy!!) and so would not get ready to go. I had to get, Walter, his homeroom teacher, on the phone.  At Ben's school students, parents and teachers are all on a first name basis. Also, one's child's homeroom teacher is also available by cell phone until about 9pm.  Yes, it is a VERY cool place.  So, we get Walter on the phone and he has a brief chat with Ben and then Ben hands the phone back to me...a bit calmer. Walter then tells me that he let Ben know that tomorrow is Free Friday (this school also only does academics until lunch, Mon-Thurs, after lunch are kid chosen electives, and Fridays are fun days they do neato stuff) and that if Ben comes in today then he will be able to join in the fun on Friday.  However, if Ben stays home, when he comes in on Friday he won't be able to do all the fun stuff. Ben decided to go in and ended up having a decent day.

BTW, this morning my sweet Hunny freaked out too in response to Ben's freak out and I was happy to be in a very calm place so that I could help them both.  When I got back,from dropping Ben off, Robert thanked me for being a calming influence (usually not my forte). Robert, it seemed, had so much vested in this new school being so perfect for Ben (which it is) that he figured Ben wouldn't have any meltdowns about it (which is a pipedream).  I told him that we both have to remember that Ben is not fixable. His issues are manageable. Kinda like all of mankind. Our sin is not fixable. It is managed by Christ's redemptive act and God's amazing grace...but it is always there. Freaking out, for Ben, is the rule...NOT the exception. So, I told Robert to see, as exceptional, the times when Ben is happy to go to school, but to fully expect the meltdowns. Eventually, they will slow to an occasional event, but until then we need to buckle up and hold on for our lives because it's going to be a very bumpy ride!

Tonight was the school kick off picnic at Ben's school.  Just he and I went because Robert was working late, Andy was busy, Autumn was at a friends. We took Tivo and he was a huge hit. It was a great idea because I got to meet a bunch of the kids at Ben's school and it confirmed to me that Ben was in the RIGHT place. Lots of prayer has gone into this decision so it's nice to see God give me bits of confirmation here and there about it being the right decision. 

Just another Manic (Depressive) Monday

Ryan (Ben's oldest and most loved friend) & Ben (my adorable pain in the *ss)

Anyone who has visited here with any regularity knows that our middle child, Ben, suffers from Bipolar Disorder (Manic-Depression).  You also know that we started home (un) schooling with Andrew and had every intention of unschooling through High School with all the kids. Well, Andy, on his own, decided at 14 that he wanted to try High School and entered 9th grade and the rest is history. He will be graduation from our local public school this Friday. Ben was home through the end of 1st grade, at which point either he was going to go to school or I would be incarcerated for what I did to him if he didn't go to school. So, Ben went to a special needs public school all of 2nd grade. Then he went to 3rd grade, in a regular classroom (BIG MISTAKE!) and after Christmas was pulled out to be homeschooled the rest of the year.  Then for 4th grade he was homeschooled until after Christmas. At that point he was completely destabilizing and was headed for the psych hospital if we didn't do something quick. So, our fabulous and very understanding of Attachment Style Parenting psychiatrist finally put Ben on Lithium.  Then, so that mommy and daddy didn't end up in the psych hospital Ben went back to school for the last half of 4th grade.  This time he went back to the special needs public school.  Finally, this year, Ben went to all of 5th grade at aforementioned school and will be out this FRIDAY!  AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!  Somebody pleeeeeeeeeeezzzzze Heeeeeelllllppppp!  

Just because Ben takes a very low dose of 3 meds to help stabilize his moods it doesn't mean, that while those meds are active, he shows no signs of Bipolar. OH NO!  It's that instead of being a big,  self-centered, hostile, seething, ungrateful A-Hole, he is just a smaller self-centered, annoying, petulant kind of A-Hole.  Now, before you go getting all mad at me, live with a Bipolar kid first, then judge me.  Ben absolutely has his wonderful moments...but in this adorable son's case...familiarity can breed contempt REALLY FAST! And absence REALLY does make the heart grow fonder (which is why school, in Ben's case, is a really good thing!)

Therefore, I am truly grateful to the passing of Senate Bill 10 here in Georgia.  This will allow us to receive the funds from the school system, that Ben gets from the state for having an IEP, and have them put toward a private school which takes the voucher. And that is a VERY GOOD thing because we found the perfect school for Ben and I will finally be truly happy with where he is during the school day come this Fall.  But, and this is a very big BUT, I am still left with an entire Summer with Ben and it freaks me out.  Let me say, Ben is not violent. Prior to his diagnosis, when he was almost 8, he was violent...only toward me, though.  But since the meds, he's just really demanding and basically everything is "all about Ben".  He doesn't get that other people have lives to lead. I think it comes from feeling uncomfortable in his own skin, but Ben operates on a "what is in this for me" mode at all times.

What this all boils down to is: PRAY FOR ME!!!  Summer is really tough for Ben and, as a result, it's tough for all of us, especially me.  The last 4 Summers I have, literally, lost it and had complete breakdowns. They occur often in July.  The pressure to keep Ben (along with Autumn) busy, happy and STABLE can make me come unglued.  There is no "just letting things role off your back" with Ben.  As well, there really is no "just hanging out" . The kid can't stand to be bored.  I, on the other hand, could happily lie on the couch plugged into a Nano for hours.  I could also read a book for hours. Not gonna happen with Ben.

So, if I slip into your mind for a second, just say,"God, help Rachel help Ben."

And if you are interested, here's a little bit of what it's like to live with a kid like Ben (based on the show 24)

Thanks!!!

Something Good

So, today has been a good day for Ben. He woke up happy, didn't need Robert or me for anything, played happily with his sister so that Robert and I could sleep in. Then we woke up at 10 (it was awesome) we had snuggle time with Ben in our bed. He loves being cuddled and after the last few days of screaming, yelling and unhappiness it was nice (really nice) to reconnect with the boy that I love (but don't often get to 'feel' like I love). Then I went to Kath's house, got to hang out with her a bit, which I always love, and after I took Ryan and Daniel to my house where everyone is playing quite happily (dare I even say it?).

Who knows what will happen later...or tommorrow when it is back to school time for Ben? I sure don't. But for this moment. I am going to savor the peace, quiet and happiness that is pervading my house.

THANK YOU GOD! For helping me to relish and enjoy the little things. Amen

~Peace,

Brutally Honest

Today is another snowy day.  How awesome...twice in a week...in Atlanta.  Thank you, God, for this gift.  I am trying to focus on this simple pleasure, this peacefully snowing white covered day, because the brutal truth is that I want to run away and never come back. 

This is my blog and I can write what I want to write and it is that I am overloaded from dealing with my Bipolar son.  Here it is...a snow day.  It has been snowing since morning.  One would think, that since a day like this is the stuff of dreams for Ben, he would actually be happy. Oh, but God Forbid!  I can not adequately, nor will I ever, be able to put into words what it is like having a child with this particular mental illness, nor what it is like mothering him.  Moms want their kids to be happy, and do alot to make them happy (within reason so they don't turn out to be evil little brats).  But there is really nothing I can ever do, that will maybe last more than 15  minutes, that will ever make Ben happy.  His mind will not let him be happy.  Yet, he spends most of his waking time either angry, and angry at me (or another family member) because by not doing "x, y, z" with him we are not making him happy.  Then, when we do do things that would make any other kids delirious with joy, Ben will look at me as if to say, "You think that's what I f*cking wanted?  You couldn't be more wrong."  Oh, he doesn't say it, but trust me, that is EXACTLY what the look conveys. 

Parents without kids like this, no matter how well meaning, often just don't get what it is like to be continually hounded by a person who can only think of making whatever happens to be their agenda, that day, happen.  Even I forget what it's like when I am around other kids,  like in various homeschool coops,  with my neurotypical daughter,  and I see the relative ease with which adults and kids interact.  All kids can be obnoxious, unruly, selfish, stubborn, unhappy, demanding, etc at times.  However, Ben, really can only think of whatever it is his mind is telling him it needs in order for him to stay even, calm, happy, balanced.  But most often, those things can not be allowed to happen all the time.  I will not (and can not) buy him everything he decides he wants to have (and oh does he WANT STUFF).  He is unrelenting in his pursuit of acquisitions.  No matter how much I pray, beg, cajole, yell, threaten, he doesn't get that he has to stop his relentlessly perseverative demand for his WANTS or Mommy is going to fall apart and he will have a hell of a time making and keeping friends, because everything is always about Ben.

I feel guilty, empty, hollow, lonely, hurt, despairing, physically exhausted, emotionally beaten down, inept, perpetually unprepared, very sad, afraid, angry, heartbroken, did I mention guilty (because I even feel this way about my own child) alone, misunderstood, judged, out-of-control, at-the-end-of-my-rope, sick-to-my-stomach, anxious, depressed, like-I-want-to-run-away, in-over-my-head, spiritually abandoned, like-a-total-whiner, and it's not going to change much.  For Ben, there are good moments, but there are rarely good days.  I have no idea what puberty is going to be like, for Ben, but I am not looking forward to it.  I know God has a plan, but I don't know what the Hell it is, and you know what?  YES! I would like to be clued in!!!! 

And you know, Ben hates having Bipolar too.  He hates that he can fly into a rage that can last for hours and that he can scream such hateful, hurtful things at people he loves, with no feeling of being able to stop himself.

There is only so much meds can do.  If you have a perpetual headache you can take tylenol or motrin everyday, but there will still be times that the headache breaks through because it is always there.

I will struggle Ben's whole life with feeling like I am either a horrible mother or that I did do the right thing by him.  I just want to cry but am afraid the tears would never stop...so I don't.   I  am on 2 medicines myself just to help me deal with raising Ben.  My sanity is definitely hanging by a thread.  I KNOW God is out there, I just FEEL abandoned.  It's a feeling not reality.  It just feels real.

God, please hear my prayers for peace in my son's mind, and answer them. Amen.

Nothin' Doin'

Okay, so I love the idea of Summer break. (Though I truly loathe Summer.) No schools to get up and take kids to, no homeschooling to do with Autumn. So the theory is great, but the practice SUCKS!

First, and I will whine a little here...I hate Summer. I am not one for heat and humidity. My idea of the perfect vacation would be roughing it in the alps with Bear Grylls. ;-) I do not look at posters of Hawaii and swoon. I have been there done that and I'm done.

Second, my kids absoutely SUCK at entertaining themselves...with the exception of Andrew. What the heck? I was happy to do my own thing without interference as a kid and a teen. I know all the books I encourage folks to read, regarding parenting, talk about playing with your kids, but sometimes that can be...well...boring. Especially, when the ideal parenting play time is me playing some mindnumbing video game. I LOATHE video games. Ugh!!!! However, with the exception of Andrew , who is 17 and now seems to really "get" the idea of just "chillaxing" (to coin a phrase of his) , the other two Autumn and Ben need "activities" to do or "people" to see. And I am now feeling like a haggard camp counselor, instead of just a mom, who needs as much a Summer break as the kids.

Third, what is wrong with me that I want them to just figure it out for themselves and leave me the heck alone? I truly love hanging out with Andrew. He's got a great sense of humor and fabulous taste in music (if I do say so myself). Autumn is happy to hear stories read aloud or do art projects. Ben, on the other hand, is unquestionably the toughest one. He can not seem to be happy by himself. He needs someone to watch him play video games (or play them with him). He berates me for not reading to him, however, whenever I offer, he isn't interested then. He wants someone to see or someplace to go almost every second of everyday, and still it doesn't seem enough. And me? Well, just the mother guilt and vastness of Ben's boredom are enough to exhaust me so much psychologically, that I feel physically tired when I wake up in the morning! Ugh!!



John Taylor Gatto, one of my heroes, said in an essay, that he remembered his grandfather telling him that there was never a reason to be bored. You know, if you are bored then find something to do. I could always find something to do, Robert said he could always find something to do. Why do I feel so damn guilty that I don't have my kids' lives planned to the minute during the Summer? Is it really my responsibility to keep them busy and happy? Or if I continue to coddle them will it mean that I will raise adults who can never just be at peace with themselves? If my kids are constantly looking to people, places, and things to fill the inevitable holes that will crop up in their lives , will they ever be in a quiet enough place to let God fill those holes?

~Peace~

Sick Kid

Ben is sick. He is chronically ill with the mental illness of Bipolar Affective Disorder and is presently ill with what is possibly now a bad cold after a 3 day Flu. I am taking him to his pediatrician at 3 to make sure he doesn't have anything worse.

However, there is not a whole lot worse, in this family, than a kid with the flu who also happens to have BP. It's like having someone who looks like a 10 year old, acts like one most of the time, but when ill might as well be a toddler. He seems to have no concept that I literally can't fix everything and he completely forgets that there are other people in this family. The world revolves around him normally, but when he is ill, he is the center of the frickin' UNIVERSE!!!

I don't know why, when all my kids were, indeed, toddlers that I didn't mind, at all, that they needed me so desperately when they were sick. But, as they get older, when sick, needing me like they did gets, well, OLD! Okay, most husbands are complete babies when they are sick. They do revert to little boys and need their wifey's to be mommies. I'm cool with that. Somtimes it's annoying. (Let's not go into the fact that most moms need to be on the verge of hospitalization before anyone in their immediate family takes care of them.) For the most part, hubbies, can be contained, pacified, and managed...as can, most sick 6, and up, year olds. However, for those who struggle daily with Bipolar (even if they are on meds...which Ben is) being sick just amplifies all of their issues.

I wrote an earlier post on how demanding love is. "Well, no sh*t, Sherlock! " I say to myself. Especially, when it comes to Ben. In the last couple of days I have wanted to run screaming out of the house never to return. The name I am called frequently throughout the day, and the name many women yearn for and never receive, the name, "MOM!" has recently made me want to tear my hair out. The tough part is that no one else seems to be able to get a piece of me when Ben is sick and it really ticks me off. Then I spiral into mother-guilt because I need to remember that Ben is not a typical child. He won't ever be.
I turn into the 2 year old, when in my mind, I just want what I want and I want it now...which is a normal Ben. Ughhhh (big sigh)! I am never going to get that.

I am writing this mostly to me (I guess as I am doing with every post I write). I need to have an outlet for the frustration. Nothing has gotten done today. I have not gotten a chance to do any homeschooling with Autumn. I get so resentlful of the time Ben takes away from his other siblings. The day is just slipping by into a relentless stream of demands and, unlike a typical kid, Ben just doesn't know when or even how to stop.

I must say that I love the little Cuss something awful. He is so cuddly and adorable, so completely in love with his whole family. He can be so generous and thoughtful and then so quickly turn self-centered and inconsiderate. Yet he is so remorseful when he's screwed up and all it reminds me of is me and how I am with God. I am constantly screwing something up, and God is there...ALWAYS....quick to forgive, and to love, and to set me on the right path again...no matter how many times I fail. I HAVE TO cultivate God's merciful heart. If I am the perpetual 2 year old God has to deal with, then shouldn't I give my sweet Ben a little slack?