A shocking epiphany

I know there is a really good chance my kids will read this someday, so it is probably not a good idea to write this down. Also, some may not like me as much for being honest but here it is: I don't like kids. I love babies and toddlers, maybe preschoolers, but between about 5 & 6 and 13&14 they could all be away at a boarding school and I think I would be happy. I think teenagers, at least the ones I know personally, are really cool. So, this leaves me with 2 kids who are 8 and 11 and in that perpetually annoying age. It drives me crazy how hungry they always are and what messes they make. It bugs the hell out of me that they are so easily bored and not easily amused. They are also demanding, especially Ben, and I don't always give in...but it doesn't matter. Andrew, in all honesty, is the most fun right now. He's old enough to have interesting conversations with, I love his sense of humor, his taste in music, and that he totally understands the value of a nap. I love seeing the person he is...who he is making himself into. Autumn and Ben (especially Ben) still don't know who they are and this in between time grates on me.

I love babies because their needs are so pure and basic...warm arms, boobs, sleep, clean diapers. I can do that. I am really good at that. Toddlers find everything fascinating. Preschoolers are equally as interesting as they move toward autonomy. But elementary through middle school age. What a pain. All the crappy aspects of ourselves we start to see: selfishness, greed, jealousy, arguing, sloth. Here I am a Catholic mom, who has thought she wanted more kids all this time, and now I am not so sure. Granted, I am 42 so maybe the effects of aging and impatience has caught up with me. I still love the idea of a baby though. But then I remember what happens around 5 or 6. Plus, I don't like to play. I mean I love the goofy playing you can do with babies and toddlers. I love going to concerts and talking about new music with my teen. But I don't want to play Barbies, stuffed animals, color for hours on end, read comic books, play shooter games on Xbox 360. This is my blog so I will say it: "I hate feeling like I have to entertain my kids", but at the same time am totally pissed that the youngest ones default to TV/Macs/PCs/Gaming.

Maybe I didn't have enough kids (and I am not kidding here). Maybe there are too few kids too far apart. They don't really have built in buddies. It is too late for me to do anything about that. Even if I got pregnant now, and we loosely use NFP so it is always a possibility, Autumn would be 9 by the time another baby was born, Ben would be almost 13 and Andrew would be 19! Andrew is not interested in Hannah Montana or Webkinz and he isn't into video gaming much anymore. He only likes gaming when he is with friends and they have a Halo shoot 'em up or Guitar Hero contest. Autumn's and Ben's only common interest is TV and swimming. Autumn is pretty girly and Ben is not into that stuff at ALL! Plus they fight like Israel and Palestine. I'm sick of trying to make peace and am strongly considering nuking them both.

I feel burnt out by mothering. I loathe the idea of sending Autumn to school, so I don't know what I am going to do. I wouldn't want to send Autumn to public school, but don't have the money to send her to a private school...Ben's issues have seen to that. I guess it's good that the Catholic Church says to be open to life, but that you don't have to have a ton of kids. Maybe this truth of mine, that I have been unable to really notice, until today, is the reason God has prevented me from getting pregnant these last 5+ years when I have really wanted another baby. Maybe he wanted me open, but knows me better than I do myself, and therefore gives lots of babies to people like my friends: Sara B., Rob, Leonie, Kath, Jennifer, Wendy, Melissa W. etc...

I find myself thinking of other things to do with my time instead of constant laundry, cleaning, cooking, cleaning, breaking up fights, cleaning, begging them to do chores, cleaning, grocery shopping, cleaning, prodding them to read or pleading with them to let me read to them, cleaning...you get the picture.

Maybe I am just having a crappy day. Dunno?

Look what I found

This is a picture of the Florida Brat pack.  From Left to Right: Elena, Trevor, Andrew, Francesca, & Myles.

At the time they were 3, 6.5, 6, 6, & 2. They are now 16, 19, 18.5, 18.5, & 15.  Francesca and Elena's mom, Mig and Myles and Trevor's mom, Rachel, are my oldest friends. These are Andrew's oldest friends too.  Mig lives in Indiana now and Rach is still in Florida. This July we are all going to descend on Mig's house and get this posse together after a long time. I can't wait for the picture. I am going to put them in this exact pose. It should be interesting. Man, I miss those days.

~Peace,

Silly pictures

Andrew, Autumn, & Ben being goofballs on PhotoBooth. Note Andrew's face in shot #2. That's what being the big brother gets him. :-)

Control

I hung out with Sara (next to me in middle photo) a few days ago and helped her with her blog. She sees me as a blogwiz (of course the very idea would make my husband explode with laughter). Regardless, I was totally psyched to help her. So now she has a picture of her family and some coolio widgets etc...I even got her on nearcirlce and she was really excited about that. I LOVED helping her. I really had fun.

(BTW, Andrew doesn't really drink. He's not 21 yet. However, he was making fun of all of us at a dinner party we threw over the weekend. He said 'Hey, look this is what happens at a 'Catholic dinner party' and took the picture of me and Sara and the one above us which was a pic all the bottles of wine. Then he had me take the pic of him pretending to drink Tequila through a funnel. Admittedly, our friend John, was making some killer Margaritas! So, when it comes to Christmas parties....Catholics do have more fun!)

Sara and I always have these winding, stream of consiousness, theological, pedagogical and just plain cool conversations. We were talking alot about CONTROL. . She has also blogged about it at her site Those That Wonder. So we were chatting about how, maybe on the surface, some might think that moms like us, who are really into our Catholicism, might be automatically stereotyped as the controlling, authoritarian, structured type of moms. Not me though...nor Sara really either. I really don't believe that my Faith gives me any right to control my kids. I have a *right to raise them*, but *not control them*. I am to do my best to instill our family's faith and values. I try to live my life in a way so that they will come to understand what I (and their father) believe is truly important and worthy of wanting...their Catholic Christian Faith. I want my kids to learn to control themselves. Robert and I have to show them how to do that by the way that we control ourselves. If my kids only control themselves because of external pressure exerted on them from us, or others around them, how are they going to live as adult who can make their own decisions? I want my kids to be able to internalize the way we live and what we believe so that they learn to control themselves from the inside out. So, how does *that* happen?

So far, around here, it happens through lots of conversations some calm (and some not so calm sorry to say) and acting out examples of how one would accomplish things like getting their point across or what they need, even what they might want. It is so true that the expression "Do what I say, not what I do" will not get you far with your kids. They are watching us...THEY ARE WATCHING US! I have to admit that most every crappy, naughty, selfish thing I have seen my kids do or say, they have seen me do first. I think if maybe parents admitted that to themselves things with their kids would get better. So, the way I help my kids THE MOST with interalizing all the virtues so that they can live them is for me to live a virtuous life in front of them more often than I am doing now. And that is hard because I am everybit a sinner as they are...more so because of age.

Ever wonder why Our Blessed Mother appears to kids more than adults? Because they ARE innocent and less sinful than we are. So why are so many of us out there so desperate to CONTROL our kids and make them better? I don't know because so many of us are NOT BETTER with age, maybe more wise and experienced, but sad to say, we are less transparent sinners (like kids are) and more covert, manipulative sinners. Am I suggesting that kids are perfect, or can't benefit from our experience? No! of course not. I am suggesting that controlling their lives may be more sinful than helpful on our parts. Even Jesus told us to "have the faith of a child". Children are very important to God and he doesn't think they are mindless little brats who need to be controlled and coerced to grow up. Instead he tells us to be like little children. Innocent, trusting, curious, loving, open etc...

So, all that being said, I am trying to control my children less (I don't do much controlling of them to the outside world to begin with, so I am sure the thought of even less control by me is frightening to some). I want to guide them more, show them more (with my actions) how to live...and because they have me for a mom...I will be showing them (unfortunately with some of my actions) how NOT to live as well...but hey! then they will see me go off to Confession. So I *can* win for losing.

I know I will come back to this topic. But for now, I am done pondering in print.

~Peace~

Pre Christmas Purge

I'm back....yeah! How I have missed my blog. Today, I have been doing what I call my pre-Christmas purge. I clean the living heck out of the kids' rooms and toss the broken and donate the unused. It's 12:30pm and I am beat. Autumn's room was a nightmare. I am all for kids enjoying their rooms the way they want to, but when it starts infringing on my property values things have to change. Andrew will be asked nicely (but very persuasively) to clean his room when he gets home. I won't mess with his stuff, but just looking in there is kicking my anxiety disorder into overdrive and I take medicine for that!!!!

I really do think that if I thought we were going to stay in this house, permanently, then I would just shut the doors to their rooms and walk away, but this house is our third in 12 years. I can see us downsizing eventually, so I really do need to encourage the kids to keep their rooms clean and organized several times a year. You know, go in, take stock of stuff, find out what they don't care about, or what is just sitting in a broken heap taking up space. I, by nature, am very "picked up and put away". There is definitely dust that needs to be swept away, and I do need to clean the upstairs toilets, the floors are swept/vaccumed but could use a mopping...what I *really* like is cleared surfaces and no clutter. I am more about neatness and organization than things being sqeaky clean. That's why, even though I am an unschooler, I am not all that great at "strewing the path" for the kids. I don't strew. I hate clutter in my house. I could care less about it in someone elses home, but in mine it actually will trigger depression. Clutter is clostrophobic to me. I don't like small spaces and I can't handle clutter, it makes me feel like I can't breathe.

So the kids' rooms get cluttered, especially Autumn's, but I don't mind because I can shut the door. Mostly she is playing with friends some rich, imaginative game and she needs her room to stay the way she has put it to continue the game the next time. Making her clean it everytime would be tanamount to working on a scarf and a whenever I am done for that day, pulling out all the stitches to start over again. But when Ben has friends over and they pull out every video game while they are gaming...that I ask to be put away before his friends leave. Andrew's is just full of papers, bags, empty candy wrappers/Monster cans...it's is disasterous! Total slovenliness is jus not gonna cut it with me. I can take only so much. However, when he has his own place someday, if he keeps it like a hovel, that will be his business. I am not the mom who would say, "You really need to keep this place picked up!" When it comes to modeling a clean, neat home he couldn't have a better mom, so if being a neatnik isn't in him by now, it will never be.

I will say, though, that the kids really love it when I go to town and clean their rooms. They walk in and go, "Wow!" and suddenly discover new toys/books that they forgot about because they were buried under something. So, in that way it is really satisfying. Plus, it teaches them, without words, that having a place for everything and everything in it's place is actually easier to live in than a cluttered space, because you take so much time looking for where you last put whatever you are trying to fing. My late grammy, G.G., used to tell me when I was a little girl (and I KNOW I got my neatness gene from her) that, "The lazy man works hardest." when it came to housecleaning. And you know what? G.G. was right!

Before I go, I don't want any of you out there ,that may be cluttered moms, to think that I judge you or think less of you. I REALLY DO NOT CARE HOW OTHERS KEEP THEIR HOMES. Everybody has to be comfy in their own spot, so do whatever floats your boat!

Peace & Hostility Cookies (with recipe)

There will never be peace in the Middle East until there is peace in the backseat (of my car, between my 2 youngest kids, Ben and Autumn). I mean, REALLY, if children from the same loving family can't seem to stop being so hostile, blaming, yelling, arguing, and fighting is there any hope for the Jews and Muslims? They are from different faiths, which rose from the same family, and they've had a beef with each other about who is God's favorite for centuries?

I used to be Protestant (a vehemently anti-Catholic one at that). So, I can understand being indoctrinated from childhood into believing the worst about a belief system and those that adhere to it; which in my case was Catholicism. Admittedly, I was never encouraged to strap a bomb to myself and take out the local parish in the name of John Calvin. So, I guess that is where I part company with the over-the-top hostility circulating among some in the Middle East.

So, back to Ben and Autumn. As a Catholic mom, I really, really try to help them understand that they are hurting themselves, their family, the Church, and God by being so mean to each other...and over such petty stuff. I eschew corporal punishment, so I try to make consequences meaningful. But half the time the "meaning of their meanness" still doesn't get through their heads. Even though it is true that "I am the Mom", I really don't like to wield that power like a dictator. I try to engage my kids and help them to see what is going on. I try to encourage mutual respect for each other and focus on how God wants us all to treat each other. It is amazing to me, though, how sin breaks in. The "Me" in each one of them becomes all important and nothing else exists. The total selfishness and complete lack of empathy or understanding toward the other, and me, can be stunning. And hey, I know I am not the most peaceful chick walking the planet. I have the so-called Irish Temper (and the Scots have it too, of which I am also descended.) Apparently, the other 1/3 of me, the English (staid, keep a stiff upper lip) part has been completely squashed by the other two more fiery temperaments of my heritage, and rarely sees the light of day. (My poor husband.) However, God is really working on me and aspect of my personality. Having a hot temper isn't always a bad thing. It is the way one uses it that makes it bad. I think there is a difference between managing conflict positively and plain old open hostility. Both stem from a passionate personality. So, I am trying to take my passionate little kids and help them turn it into something good. For example, I am "on Fire" for the Catholic Church. I passionately defend her teachings...even the unpopular ones. Being unafraid to speak up and doing it with gusto makes people pay attention, but I can't do it angrily or I will lose my credibility to those I am trying to reach. However, the only attention I have been getting lately is that of the public watching me wrangle my two little warring countries (I mean kids)...not the attention I am quite wanting for them OR me.

After 37 years of being anti-Catholicism and 18 years of being an Evangelical Protestant, God brought me all the way home to His Church...the Catholic Church. I believed in Him for so long and was always looking for him and he guided me where I needed to go...but certainly not in my time...always His time. So, too, I hope and pray that He will bring peace to the Jews and Muslims by bringing them to his Son, who IS peace. So it is with God's help, I will continue to encourage my children to live together in peace, instead of battling against each other in anger. I fear, however, that it's going to take a lot longer than I thought. I shouldn't complain, though, because God's been patiently waiting for us to get our acts together for thousands of years!

In closing, I want to share a couple of pictures. I was baking today when all Hell broke loose between my little Israel and Palestine. First there are the Peace cookies: Beautiful, sweet, with a perfect texture, and giving off a delightful aroma ...the perfect sugar cookie...which I made while I blissfully baked through the afternoon. Then, there are the Hostility cookies: Ugly, burnt at the edges with a hardened center (the kids were yelling and I forgot about them until I could smell them...not good!). Makes me think of the real things: Peace is beautiful, blissful and a peaceful person perfumes the air with the love of God. Hostility makes one spiritually ugly, hard-hearted, and leaves those around them feeling burned.

Sugar Cookie Recipe

1 cup butter

2 tsp vanilla

2 eggs

2 cups AP flour

1 tsp Cream of Tartar

1/2 tsp Baking Soda

1/4 tsp salt

a good grating of fresh Nutmeg

Sugar for dusting

Oven to 400F

Beat butter til pale and fluffy

add vanilla, mix well

add eggs beat well

Combine all dry ingredients

(don't leave out the nutmeg it makes the cookie)

then add to wet ingredients and mix well.

Drop on greased cookie sheets a couple of inches apart and bake until they match the first picture above (about 6-8 minutes). Lay on a rack and sprinkle with sugar while they are still hot, so that it will stick. When cool enough devour with a cold glass of milk. Totally Awesome!

Peace!

Nothin' Doin'

Okay, so I love the idea of Summer break. (Though I truly loathe Summer.) No schools to get up and take kids to, no homeschooling to do with Autumn. So the theory is great, but the practice SUCKS!

First, and I will whine a little here...I hate Summer. I am not one for heat and humidity. My idea of the perfect vacation would be roughing it in the alps with Bear Grylls. ;-) I do not look at posters of Hawaii and swoon. I have been there done that and I'm done.

Second, my kids absoutely SUCK at entertaining themselves...with the exception of Andrew. What the heck? I was happy to do my own thing without interference as a kid and a teen. I know all the books I encourage folks to read, regarding parenting, talk about playing with your kids, but sometimes that can be...well...boring. Especially, when the ideal parenting play time is me playing some mindnumbing video game. I LOATHE video games. Ugh!!!! However, with the exception of Andrew , who is 17 and now seems to really "get" the idea of just "chillaxing" (to coin a phrase of his) , the other two Autumn and Ben need "activities" to do or "people" to see. And I am now feeling like a haggard camp counselor, instead of just a mom, who needs as much a Summer break as the kids.

Third, what is wrong with me that I want them to just figure it out for themselves and leave me the heck alone? I truly love hanging out with Andrew. He's got a great sense of humor and fabulous taste in music (if I do say so myself). Autumn is happy to hear stories read aloud or do art projects. Ben, on the other hand, is unquestionably the toughest one. He can not seem to be happy by himself. He needs someone to watch him play video games (or play them with him). He berates me for not reading to him, however, whenever I offer, he isn't interested then. He wants someone to see or someplace to go almost every second of everyday, and still it doesn't seem enough. And me? Well, just the mother guilt and vastness of Ben's boredom are enough to exhaust me so much psychologically, that I feel physically tired when I wake up in the morning! Ugh!!



John Taylor Gatto, one of my heroes, said in an essay, that he remembered his grandfather telling him that there was never a reason to be bored. You know, if you are bored then find something to do. I could always find something to do, Robert said he could always find something to do. Why do I feel so damn guilty that I don't have my kids' lives planned to the minute during the Summer? Is it really my responsibility to keep them busy and happy? Or if I continue to coddle them will it mean that I will raise adults who can never just be at peace with themselves? If my kids are constantly looking to people, places, and things to fill the inevitable holes that will crop up in their lives , will they ever be in a quiet enough place to let God fill those holes?

~Peace~

Ahh, the weekend & What is it with kids?

Aren't Friday afternoons just fabulous? Especially when you are staring down a 3 DAY weekend. Woo Hoo! There is so much promise of relaxation and friendly get togethers, time alone at the computer (a Mom can dream, can't she?) and sleeping in. I love sleeping in. It's been really cold the last couple of weeks and there is nothing like snuggling in bed beneath toasty warm flannel sheets and a thick heavy comforter. I think that is probably my favorite place to be in the world...Yup! A warm bed on a cold day. Nothin' beats it.
My kids better let me stay there tomorrow morning!!

Now, on to those darn kids. I couldn't love them anymore than I already do, but is it me or is it the kids these days who seem to need to be entertained 24/7? And not by just TV or Movies, but by other people? I played happily, blissfully on my own as a kid. It was my preference, and am not an only child. Sure I wanted to play with friends now and again. I am a very social person. I love people...LOVE THEM. However, I LOVE being alone too. I can figure out a thousand different things to do on my own. There is no boredome with me. So, I go completely nuts when my kids, especially the younger two, start complaining about being bored. Now, I know they are not reading yet, Ben because of his multiple LDs and Autumn just because she is a typical 1st grade reader, but that is not the problem. I love reading to them. However, I am 40 so reading out loud (or silently) puts me in a coma everytime. I usually last 30 minutes then I'm gone.

C'mon though, how many moms out there are playing with their kids for a large part of the day? I bet there aren't a lot. Why, then, do I feel so darned guilty about it? Is it that kids are so sheltered theses days that if there aren't friends in their neighborhood that they turn to mom and dad? I am not against playing with my kids. I have done it plenty. But jeez enough already. I am just afraid that if I give in to this constant need for entertainment that they will grow up unable to entertain themselves. Or worse yet, they will never let themselves be in the silence of what some would call boredom, but a great many others would see as an opportunity for self-assessment and prayer.

Gotta go, friends comin' over for pizza...ahh Friday nites!
Rach

What have I gotten myself into?

I have named this blog of mine after something my fabulous (late) mom used to say to me, "Rachel, you are NEVER at a loss for words!" Sometimes it was said in a not so positive way...as I also had to have the "Last Word" too. Often, though, it was said because my mom liked what I had to say...or, at least, liked hearing what I had to say.

I miss talking with my mom so much. She was the best mom and friend ever. I love talking, but writing is a different story. Never did like writing...never kept a journal...didn't even caption or catalog pictures. However, a great friend of mine, Sara, just started blogging and said she was doing it mostly as a way for her kids to get to know what she was like when they are older. I thought that was such a cool idea that I had to copy her.

I'm sure as I blog along, I will work things out for myself as I write. Somethings will be written because I believe I know what I am talking about, and some will just be my stream of conscienousness-ness :-) Anyway, whoever stumbles across this now...enjoy. And someday, if this is surfed up by my kids, maybe years from now, have fun getting to know the inner workings of your mom...I hope it doesn't freak you out too much...oh and know I love you like crazy!

~Peace~