I really don't think I'm gonna make it.

Okay, so I guess we are into our 3 rd week of Summer vacation and I am ready to wound myself in a near fatal way so that I can be in the hospital on a steady morphine drip. THAT is my idea of a vacation...a real get away...from reality altogether. I mean, I know that pretty much everyone with a soon to be 14 year old has dreams of suicide ( or homicide) , but when that kid is also bipolar well all bets are off. The kid is on meds, but it's not like they have developed anything that I know of that would give him an entirely new personality, let alone happier more stable moods. Of course, there is Haldol, but I am really not interested in hanging him on the bathrobe hook at the back of my closet door....hmmmmm...or am I???

And should I really be complaining at all? After all, didn't I bring this on myself...fighting with my younger brother all those years ago...I seem to remember my mom muttering a curse of some kind, that my behavior would be revisited on me. Well, shit, it really has!!! Autumn and Ben and their constant bickering over the dumbest things makes me wonder why I didn't have my ovaries ripped out before I was of childbearing age, like I'm going to have done to my puppy next week.

So, what I am trying to do, when I find that my 13 yr old son has surfed porn for the first ( and better be last) time on my iPad, (there was nothing like opening the browser that day...his PC is completely protected from him looking for it there) is trying to remember the sweet baby I nursed and carried in a sling and adored. And it's not so easy, because what I see in front of me is the greasy headed, smart ass teenager who is so hostile to his little sister and to me and his dad. He lives to bicker and argue and I want to send him flying out the window (without a net). There is no pithy cute happy ending to this post. It's gonna be a long Summer. I hate the heat to begin with, the only upshot to Summer for me is the ability to sleep in, but the new puppy has effectively ended that, sooo I figure I have a couple of months to perfect drinking heavily. But if you hear I'm in the hospital on a morphine drip, because of some 'freak' accident, don't be sad for me. Know that I am
probably enjoying the vacation of a lifetime..... in my head.

It's been so long.

Okay, so I have no idea what to say, except that facebook is so damn fun that I forgot about my blog. I started writing this as a way for my kids to see what a wacky mom they have. Then it kind of became a journal. I got alot out that first year and it was good for me.

This year so far has been pretty fun. In January, we found out that friends we had met on facebook were going to be in our area. It turns out Bill Mueller had a training thing for his job and it was right here in Roswell. He came first and then his wife, Terry, came a couple days later. We had a blast. I was really sorry to see them go at the end of the week. We introduced them to Doctor Who and they introduced us to Coupling. I took Terry all over Roswell, TiVo fell in love with Bill, and then, on Friday, Bill and Terry took us out to a fab dinner at Relish, along with 2 more facebook friends who live here in town, Loren and Tracy Peters (I went to high school with Loren). We had a really good time for 4 people who had never previously met in person. Oh, and we all survived (several friends of mine thought we were insane to invite facebook friends over...I mean what if they killed us). And here is proof that it all went well (Oh, and I now I have to figure out how I am going to get my ass to Illinois where they live.)


I met MUSE, my favorite band in the world and they were such nice guys. It is so awesome to meet people you admire so much and they turn out to be great. They could have been jerks...but they were not. Matt Bellamy, the lead singer, couldn't believe that Andrew was my kid. As if I didn't love Matt enough, I got a compliment. What a cool guy. Thanks to my Hunny and his friend Mike Greene, I got to see the most amazing concert of my life AND got to meet the band too. We chatted with them back stage for about 15 minutes. It was just the 4 of us, Robert, me, Andrew and his longtime pal, Claire. The latter two were virtually hyperventilating at meeting those Rock GODs...and it was adorable to see.
Robert finally got out of for-profit corporate life. A huge prayer was answered and he is now the managing director for internet & new media for the American Cancer Society. It's more a prestige position than a monied position...as most non-profits are. But, we can still stay in our house (we had it for sale for a 4 months) and he is doing something that matters. And that is what we have prayed for for so long. Robert is an amazing husband and stand up guy. He wants to take care of this family as sole provider, so I can be the hand that rocks the cradle at home, but he always wanted to get paid to do something that made a huge positive impact on those around him. So, here's a shout out to the big man upstairs...Thank you, GOD, for making this all happen!!!

Now, I am thinking of adding a new puppy to the mix. Before that happens I have to re-home our 3 cats. It's not something I want to do, but no one pays any attention to them, or takes care of them anymore and it sucks. I change their litter and feed them, but I am the primary carer of the dog, so I am in and out of the cats business pretty quickly. I love Toonces the most, will miss him desperately, but the cats were for the kids. They are growing up and don't care. Everyone loves TiVo and it's not hard to understand why. He is awesome, and loving and interacts with everyone. The cats interact on their terms...whenever that is. And those 3 fluffy idiots could have become friends with TiVo, but they would have nothing to do with him and now that he is big they are afraid of him. I'm kind of sick of living in the Gaza strip of my own home. There are zones for the cats and the dog and it's gotten really old. Before anyone gives me any crap, understand, I wouldn't give away a kid. These are animals. If they are not happy, I believe I should help them to be so. I love all animals....I really do. But when it comes down to brass tax I am a dog girl. I love walking TiVo, I love taking him to the dog park. I love all the social interaction he brings to me. I am an extrovert...and I believe cats are for introverts. NO judgement, just a statement. I drive around with TiVo all day. He comes with me everywhere. I can't take my cats anywhere. Anyway, that's what going on there.
On the spirituality front, the last year has been weird. Right now I am in a good place and am praying it sticks. I have gone through a lot of so called 'atheist phases' and I don't like them. They are very dark and dry and lonely...a great breeding ground for anger and selfishness. Sometimes life does seem pointless. I told Robert recently that it (life) seems like a giant hamster wheel we get on and have to keep running on and we only get to get off when we die. Translate that into me feeling exhausted...and bored. I need new things to shake me up.

Lately, I have re-committed myself to caring for myself and losing the few pounds I put on, over the last few months, this after having lost over 30 pounds. How easy it is to slip off the saddle. Luckily, it was less than 10lbs, 5 of which are gone...so I am on track. I am feeling so much better. It's not fun getting out of control and feeling that you can't seem to help yourself. I am happy to be back in the saddle and taking it day by day to stay there.

The kids are all doing really well. Autumn has been in a really cool homeschool co-op this year and the time off (for me) and added social interaction for her has been fabulous. Next month she has a jazz recital...they are dancing to All That Jazz from Chicago and should be adorable. Here is Autumn with the girl half of the her co op, there are 3 boys in it too.

Ben is almost done with his 7th grade year at the Cottage School and boy howdy do I love that place and everything it's done for our boy. Ben is really doing so much better this year, on all fronts, than he has in the past. I have high hopes that things are going to continue to change for the better, for 'the Bendamin'. Oh, and Ben's braces finally came off...look how handsome.

Andrew, my handsome vulcan son, is still working at Trader Joe's...almost 2 years. I am so pround of him. He has just a couple weeks left and will be done with his sophmore year at Georgia State. He is still living at home (which I love) and still plugging away at his post-rock band, Absence of Ocean. He has taught himself how to play guitar and writes alot of songs. All in all, he's pretty damn cool. I love him to bits...just wish he were a little more chatty....how is he my kid??? I mean, he looks just like me so I know he is mine....but talk about opposite. One great thing is that Andrew will be 21 in 6 months and then I can send him on booze runs for me and Robert....woo hoo!! LOL Below is Andrew's shocked, "I just met Muse" face.
I think I am gonna go bake something yummy now. I am off wheat again, due to allergies. I am thinking this time I should stay off of it for good, but we'll see. Wheat definitely bothers me most in Spring and Summer as it causes my eczema to flare. I have been off of it over a week now and my hand eczema is almost healed. You know what else is weird...I swear I am addicted to wheat. When I am not eating it, I don't have the insane food cravings I normally do...the very same cravings that got me into trouble gaining almost 10 pounds back of the 30 I lost. I wonder if there is something too that? All I know is that in 2 or 3 days time my hands will look and feel normal again and that is worth everything. Besides, I made a KILLER gluten free version of my favorite cake 'Tres Leches' and it soooooo frickin good, I dare anyone to guess it's not made with wheat flour.

Oh yeah, how could I forget a really cool thing...we now have a Keurig One Cup coffee making system and it is the coolest thing in the universe...and yes, I have even seen and played with the iPad. But really great coffee (which I don't need to roast, or grind or measure or brew) in a minute is freaking awesome when you are as addicted to the substance as I am!! My birthday is coming up this Thursday, the 29th. I love K-Cups...send me some!! ;-)


Later,
Rach

School is ruining my life

I hate school and I hate schooling. I am speaking here of school from prek-12th grade. So much of it is complete bullshit. Let me repeat that...BULLSHIT...big stinky hot piles of bull poo poo! (College is not compulsory. You either choose it or you don't. Andrew is loving college.)  You know when people say to homeschoolers (which one rarely hears anymore), "What about your child's socialization?" Well, to be honest, THAT is about the only value I see to schools. I spoke with Andrew recently about high school and asked him for an honest assessment since he's graduated. He told me the only stuff he really got out of high school are 1) friends and the bands he formed 2) the video-broadcasting dept 3) Fencing.  Two out of the 3 things were mostly social. The video stuff was what he always wanted to do. He said he would have been happy to go and learn about the video stuff, play drums and guitar all day, and occasionally Fence... if he had the choice. I asked him if he missed it at all. He said, "No."

I think it would be super cool if there were a place for homeschooled kids to hang out with a variety of friends of different ages, everyday, for a few hours. But not the way school does it, nor even the way many homeschoolers do it. I mean totally unstructured getting together just to hang kinda time. Even homeschoolers often only get together under the auspices of 'doing something schooly' UGH!!! JUST STOP IT ALREADY!!! Why do homeschoolers copy schoolers AT ALL!?! See that is where school has it all wrong. The socialization in schools, for the most part, is artificial. It takes place under the watchful eyes of 'authorities' and kids can't do what they are interested in. I would love to see a cool place with a big video game room with a bunch of geeky kids playing Halo 3 or Gears of War. Then there could be another room where kids were watching movies, one for art, one for reading, one for chatting and board games, a lab for experiments and on and on. Outside there were would be kids exploring the woods and some playing athletic games. A place like this could be staffed by the parents, each lending his or her special talents to helping kids learn and do whatever it is they are interested in doing whether that is accounting skills, knitting a sweater, designing a computer game, building a website, or baking a cake. How cool would that be?  I know it's been done. Summerhill is a good example. So are Sudbury Valley Schools. They are Unschooling schools, but I am thinking more of a learning enrichment center. 

So, Ben is going to his school just when the 'fun stuff' happens. He is attending the latter half of the day for a social skills class, lunch, and a fun elective (alternates between science experiments and indoor/outdoor athletics).  This is a private school that caters to special kids. But they are still freaked out that Ben isn't being 'educated'.  I think he's getting plenty of an education just hanging with these kids and developing friendships while realizing he can be away from the family (esp. ME) and not DIE.  But all the hoops I have to jump through are just making me loathe any school: public or private they are all a pain in my ass!  I thought, mistakenly, that when I started paying for a school that they would be more willing to work with me in the best interests of Ben. Okay, the private school is much better than the public school he went to (and I am NOT blaming teachers, I am BLAMING the administrators and the state/federal gov't for the public school's inflexibility) but the private school still has an agenda and we had to twist some arms to get what we have now.  Let me be clear in saying that the private school administrators have been fabulously accommodating, but they still want it to go 'their way' when all is said and done.

Anyway, school has been ruining my life for years now. I haven't needed school for Ben.  I have needed what I proposed above for Ben.  If I had the money I would open such a 'place' myself. I think a relative would have to die and leave me money first, so I am not counting on opening any such 'place' anytime soon.  

Leonie just sent me a copy of a book that only confirms all of the feelings I have had about schooling, and unschooling, and has me pining for a simpler life. Especially because of all the shit we have had to wade through these last years regarding Ben and school. I am just so tired of it all.  At first things look like they will work, people make promises they can't keep, Ben falls apart and our family life explodes. I hate it and I just want it to stop!!! Yes, Ben can drive me absolutely out of my skull. However, school is driving him nuts so I am even more crazy. The stress is just insane. I am sick to death of all the frickin outside interference into our lives. I bet I could have gotten a homeschooled teenager to come and play video games with Ben a couple times a week for alot cheaper than his darn school costs. (Yes, I am getting about 2/3rd the tuition back in State vouchers, but not until the end of the school year will I recoup it all. So, we had to pay the whole 18K out of pocket up front.) I know I could have paid a teenager less and there would be far more peace in our home. 

Man, I am an idiot. Will I ever learn what God has been trying to teach me for so long....to let Go and Trust. And to think I have the AUDACITY to get pissed at my kids for not "listening to me" when I tell them to do something a hundred times. How flipping long has God been telling me to stop trusting 'so called experts with my kids and start trusting my kids and myself. I am the best expert on my kids.  I think God's been at this with me for 19 years. How wonderfully patient he is with me and how horribly impatient I am with my kids. Jeez, I really suck.

 UGH!!!!

Expelliarmus

Well, Ben didn't have a wand ejected from his hand but he was ejected from his private school today. According to them, and I have to admit they really tried, Ben is beyond their scope of support.

He is a homeschooler...for now. I really don't know what we are going to do....PRAYERS PLEASE!

Oh....and I forgot to mention that unless we can work something out with the school, we may be out 17K and during this crappy economy that is not something we can handle. Please pray, too, that the school is merciful and refunds the prorated amount of Ben's tuition back to us.

THANK YOU!

Self Preservation

I haven't posted in a while because the shit has his the fan at the Ross house. Suffice it to say, read my Hunny's blog. I have no energy left to do anything. My tank is really empty this time. I want out and there IS no out.

R.

My Hunny sums it up quite nicely

Here is a bit of what has happened with Ben's first week at school. My husband's post does not cover the epic meltdown Ben had, this morning, on day 4 of school.  He was crying and screaming and was NOT going to go to school. He decided that he would be homeschooled (not a good idea for Ben or for mommy!!) and so would not get ready to go. I had to get, Walter, his homeroom teacher, on the phone.  At Ben's school students, parents and teachers are all on a first name basis. Also, one's child's homeroom teacher is also available by cell phone until about 9pm.  Yes, it is a VERY cool place.  So, we get Walter on the phone and he has a brief chat with Ben and then Ben hands the phone back to me...a bit calmer. Walter then tells me that he let Ben know that tomorrow is Free Friday (this school also only does academics until lunch, Mon-Thurs, after lunch are kid chosen electives, and Fridays are fun days they do neato stuff) and that if Ben comes in today then he will be able to join in the fun on Friday.  However, if Ben stays home, when he comes in on Friday he won't be able to do all the fun stuff. Ben decided to go in and ended up having a decent day.

BTW, this morning my sweet Hunny freaked out too in response to Ben's freak out and I was happy to be in a very calm place so that I could help them both.  When I got back,from dropping Ben off, Robert thanked me for being a calming influence (usually not my forte). Robert, it seemed, had so much vested in this new school being so perfect for Ben (which it is) that he figured Ben wouldn't have any meltdowns about it (which is a pipedream).  I told him that we both have to remember that Ben is not fixable. His issues are manageable. Kinda like all of mankind. Our sin is not fixable. It is managed by Christ's redemptive act and God's amazing grace...but it is always there. Freaking out, for Ben, is the rule...NOT the exception. So, I told Robert to see, as exceptional, the times when Ben is happy to go to school, but to fully expect the meltdowns. Eventually, they will slow to an occasional event, but until then we need to buckle up and hold on for our lives because it's going to be a very bumpy ride!

Tonight was the school kick off picnic at Ben's school.  Just he and I went because Robert was working late, Andy was busy, Autumn was at a friends. We took Tivo and he was a huge hit. It was a great idea because I got to meet a bunch of the kids at Ben's school and it confirmed to me that Ben was in the RIGHT place. Lots of prayer has gone into this decision so it's nice to see God give me bits of confirmation here and there about it being the right decision. 

Happy Birthday to Ben!!

Here he is with Tivo. Ben woke us at 7 to open his 2 gifts...a Nintendo DS and one game for it.  Now Ben can be plugged in the Matrix anytime anywhere. Woo Hoo! We only do parties for the kids once around 5 or 6 , then once at 13 and once at 16. So, what we do normally is take the birthday kid where they want to go for dinner and a movie of their choice. Ben has picked the the 3rd movie in the Mummy series. It could not be more perfect for Ben. He  loves ninjas, zombies (mummies), dragons, action. It opens today and you would think that it was set up just for Ben.  I think Brendan Fraser is pretty cute, so I cool with the pick.

Happy Birthday my sweet Ben! You are a challenge to parent, but dad and I love you desperately! We Love you!  Below is Tivo attacking Ben in 'comic book' effects mode on Photobooth.

Just another Manic (Depressive) Monday

Ryan (Ben's oldest and most loved friend) & Ben (my adorable pain in the *ss)

Anyone who has visited here with any regularity knows that our middle child, Ben, suffers from Bipolar Disorder (Manic-Depression).  You also know that we started home (un) schooling with Andrew and had every intention of unschooling through High School with all the kids. Well, Andy, on his own, decided at 14 that he wanted to try High School and entered 9th grade and the rest is history. He will be graduation from our local public school this Friday. Ben was home through the end of 1st grade, at which point either he was going to go to school or I would be incarcerated for what I did to him if he didn't go to school. So, Ben went to a special needs public school all of 2nd grade. Then he went to 3rd grade, in a regular classroom (BIG MISTAKE!) and after Christmas was pulled out to be homeschooled the rest of the year.  Then for 4th grade he was homeschooled until after Christmas. At that point he was completely destabilizing and was headed for the psych hospital if we didn't do something quick. So, our fabulous and very understanding of Attachment Style Parenting psychiatrist finally put Ben on Lithium.  Then, so that mommy and daddy didn't end up in the psych hospital Ben went back to school for the last half of 4th grade.  This time he went back to the special needs public school.  Finally, this year, Ben went to all of 5th grade at aforementioned school and will be out this FRIDAY!  AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!  Somebody pleeeeeeeeeeezzzzze Heeeeeelllllppppp!  

Just because Ben takes a very low dose of 3 meds to help stabilize his moods it doesn't mean, that while those meds are active, he shows no signs of Bipolar. OH NO!  It's that instead of being a big,  self-centered, hostile, seething, ungrateful A-Hole, he is just a smaller self-centered, annoying, petulant kind of A-Hole.  Now, before you go getting all mad at me, live with a Bipolar kid first, then judge me.  Ben absolutely has his wonderful moments...but in this adorable son's case...familiarity can breed contempt REALLY FAST! And absence REALLY does make the heart grow fonder (which is why school, in Ben's case, is a really good thing!)

Therefore, I am truly grateful to the passing of Senate Bill 10 here in Georgia.  This will allow us to receive the funds from the school system, that Ben gets from the state for having an IEP, and have them put toward a private school which takes the voucher. And that is a VERY GOOD thing because we found the perfect school for Ben and I will finally be truly happy with where he is during the school day come this Fall.  But, and this is a very big BUT, I am still left with an entire Summer with Ben and it freaks me out.  Let me say, Ben is not violent. Prior to his diagnosis, when he was almost 8, he was violent...only toward me, though.  But since the meds, he's just really demanding and basically everything is "all about Ben".  He doesn't get that other people have lives to lead. I think it comes from feeling uncomfortable in his own skin, but Ben operates on a "what is in this for me" mode at all times.

What this all boils down to is: PRAY FOR ME!!!  Summer is really tough for Ben and, as a result, it's tough for all of us, especially me.  The last 4 Summers I have, literally, lost it and had complete breakdowns. They occur often in July.  The pressure to keep Ben (along with Autumn) busy, happy and STABLE can make me come unglued.  There is no "just letting things role off your back" with Ben.  As well, there really is no "just hanging out" . The kid can't stand to be bored.  I, on the other hand, could happily lie on the couch plugged into a Nano for hours.  I could also read a book for hours. Not gonna happen with Ben.

So, if I slip into your mind for a second, just say,"God, help Rachel help Ben."

And if you are interested, here's a little bit of what it's like to live with a kid like Ben (based on the show 24)

Thanks!!!

Ben is reading on his own!

It has taken a long time and a lot of hard work, on his part, and little to do with the public school system, or me (for that matter), but Ben is reading on his own and he's doing well. Ben is 11 and a half. He reads pretty slowly, but he'll only get better with time. He has read me 12 pages of this book,

which he is thoroughly enjoying. I have to say I like the book alot myself. That is a good thing, because prior to this book, he was trying to read BONE and that thing just puts me to sleep.

So, for all those out there who think that if their kid isn't reading at 6 that they are ruined for life, well you are wrong. Kids will read, when they are good and ready to read.

Peace,

Why can't things just be simple? (Public school/Private school rant)

If you read this blog with any regularity (friend, relative or cyber pal) you know that we have a son with child-onset or Pediatric Bipolar Disorder. His name is Ben. Ben also has significant learning differences and is socially quirky. Ben is 11 but acts more like a boy who is 8 or 9. Ben, when smaller...say 4 ish, before his moods started rapidly cycling around 7, was diagnosed with sensory processing disorder, pdd, anxiety, adhd, dyslexia, sleep disorder (which was really just being a wide awake manic little kid until 2am everynight), etc... When he had his first psychotic break (which is a mental disconnect with reality) he was 7 years old. It was the months following this first break that lead to more and more and faster and faster mood cycling that almost landed Ben in a psychiatric hospital because he was suicidal. God saved the day by putting us in touch with a fabulous, one of a kind, psychiatrist: Dr. C. He figured out what was really going on with Ben and we got him on stabilizing meds slowly and gently in order to get him to a place where he could emotional handle any given day. Prior to Dr. C we were dealing with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde on an hour to hour basis.

Okay, so that is the back story. Moving forward: after Dr.C we put Ben in a special needs public school. It is a self contained school attached to a regular elementary school. There are good things and bad things about it. Why did we do it? I needed a break. Dr. C doesn't just take care of Ben e, he takes care of the family. No we are not all on meds. It's that he talks with us and helps us works through things. One of those 'things' was my need to have time off from Ben's constant demands.

Ben was in this school for all of 2nd grade. Then they tried to mainstream him into regular 3rd grade. BIG MISTAKE! So, I took him out of school after Christmas. Then he was home until after Christmas of the following year. That December he took a huge nose dive in mood...and we had to add Lithium. Then, because I was on the brink of becoming unglued (because December had emotionally annihilated me too) we sent Ben back to the special needs school for the last half of 4th grade. This year, 5th grade, Ben's been there since the beginning of the year. (BTW, Ben is no where near actual grade level, but chronologically they put him tin 5th grade, he only has 6 kids in his class of varying ages, ablitlites and levels of progress). Can I say that I really Hate so much about the public school and school in general? Well, I am going to, because I do.

The things I am sooooo angry about:

1)that even though Ben has an IEP that states he can come to school an hour late, and not have it counted as tardy, due to sleep issues, I STILL get letters from the school board saying Ben has too many tardies and social services may be called. Gimme a break.

2) that even though I am Ben's mother, I am treated like one who doesn't know my son, oh but they do. Everything I bring up is questioned and I am treated with disrespect and disdain. The very strong feeling is that 'they' know Ben and 'I' don't. After all, they have him most of the day. I should bow to their expertise. Well all I can say is: *#^%^(&@((^%&#@)_*)#(&#&$*@@()@_!!!!!

3) that if I want to keep Ben home for some really fun homeschooling outing that has come up, I have to lie and tell them that Ben was sick or else it is counted against him and again, I would be threatened by a visit from social services. And that I am treated like dogsh*t when I come to pick Ben up from school, because they would rather him always take the bus. That's one of the reasons I get crap about him being late...because they want him on the bus in the AM too. Forget it. He has better things to do in the morning (like sleep) than ride around on a bus for half an hour.

4) that Ben's class of kids are treated like trained dogs. They are given point values for every hour which tally up for the day and then the week. At the end of the week he gets a prize. He is so into this that he has come to expect this kind of treatment at home and I don't like it! I want him to be good for goodness' sake, not because of some cheap-made-in-China-by=Christian-Prisoners-dollar-store-piece-of-crap-toy!

5) that even though they are better than the average public school classroom (I admit) they *still* with all the money and special services they are given, helped Ben to read beyond what he was taught by a really wonderful reading tutor last year. She worked with him 1x a week for several months. School has him everyday! (There's proof for all homeschoolers out there who think schools teach kids to read...bullsh*t!)

The good things:
1) that Ben has only 5 other kids in his class
2) that there are 2 teachers for the 5 kids
3) that they agreed in the IEP not to give him homework (they send it home, tho, and I throw it out.)
4) it has helped Ben to see that he can leave me and he will be alright
5) that they go on a field trip several times 'per month'

My beef is not with the teachers. They seem very dedicated to these kids. It's the school system, the administrators who don't see the forest for the trees. It's No Child Left Behind. It's the mindlessness of so much of what they do.

Here is a great example: Ben told me the other day to send him with extra snacks because it was too hard to buy 2 lunches (Iet him get 2 lunches on somedays because he doesn't like to eat in the morning). Well, a new rule was started that if you get up you lose points (remember those Friday prizes?). But, he can't grab 2 items each per 1 lunch tray, so he *has* to get up to get a 2nd lunch, yet his still gets penalized for it. So, Ben, who is an ANGEL at school (he saves the Demon side for me) stays hungry and won't get up so as not to lose his points. What the....ugh!

Oh, I gotta tell you this. When Ben was mainstreamed we sent Autumn to the same school for Kindergarten to help Ben with his transitions. Autumn thought Kindergarten was fun (who wouldn't) so I wasn't really worried about her. However, since that school was across the street, I would go over often and have lunch with the kids. They went back to back, so I would come for Autumn and stay for Ben. Well, because Autumn was 5 and a half, at the time, I would sit her on my lap while we ate lunch. A NOTE WAS SENT HOME, FROM THE PRINCIPAL, SAYING I COULD NOT PUT MY OWN DAUGHTER ON MY LAP BECAUSE I WOULD MAKE THE OTHER KIDS FEEL BAD WHOSE PARENTS DIDN'T VISIT FOR LUNCH!!!!! Can you believe that!?! BTW, I still would put her on my lap.

However, when we pulled Ben out of that regular school (because it was just too much for him) we took Autumn out too...never to return....thank God. Here I was thinking I would be focusing my time on Ben, and Autumn would have fun in Kindergarten (our intention was to bring her back home for 1st grade), but she dealt with a bunch of garbage too. She once came home with a 'red' note, which is supposed to be really bad. I called and spoke with her teacher and it was because she screamed (with joy, mind you) over how cute one of her classmates was, while they were in the bathroom. Sheer stupidity!

Okay back to Ben's story:
This whole time we were thinking that Ben could finally come back home for 6th grade and up. However, Georgia passed SB10 (senate bill 10) that gives the parents of children, who have an IEP in place while attending a public school (for 1 whole school year), the equivalent funds it cost to teach, said child, to put toward a private school which has been approved to take the funds or to send, said child, to another public school, outside their home district, that may have more fitting programs for, said child's, IEP.

According to the administrators at Ben's school, Ben, because he is in a self-contained special needs school, would get the maximum amount of funds. That is cool, right? Yeah. On the surface.
But now it sets up a whole'nother set of complications. The first was fairly easy to surmount. It was finding the right private school. There happens to be, not 3 miles from here, a private school for kids like Ben. We applied, he got in to the tune of 18K! (choke, sputter, cough, hack!) But wait, we have this SB10 voucher to apply and then we have a special needs kids benefit program through my husband's job which covers a percentage as well. After that assistance has been caculated, we are probably looking at 3K out of pocket. Not too bad! Of course the paperwork for all of this sucks. However, with the exception of being able to play video games or watch TV, this school he'll be going to won't be a whole lot different from being home.

They don't pressure kids academically. They say their goal is to keep their students' self-esteem and self-respect in tact. The whole student body is made up of kids who don't learn the same, or as fast, as typical school kids. Most of the kids in this school are probably one or more of the following: ADD/ADHD, NVLD, Aspergers, Bipolar, Dyslexic, LD etc... I think ADD/ADHD is the #1 "issue" of the majority of the kids there. Ben will be in perfect company.

The reason none of this is sitting well with me, is because I kinda wish there was no voucher program. I feel like we would never have considered any of this stuff and Ben would have just stayed home. I am sick of school...sick of it. I can't wait for Andrew to be done with high school. And, as I have said before, I am hoping against hope that Autumn and Ben won't want to go to high school (private or otherwise). I hate the restrictions. I hate the hoops to jump through. I hate not having freedom. But, my dh, doesn't really agree that Ben should be unschooled.

That leads me to the question: is unschooling just for those who fall within some kind of 'normal/neurotypical' range? Ben is not *that* different from 'normal'. But he is very obsessive. More than the average person. He is the type who doesn't do well with self-limiting. But this little part of me says, "Why can't he be home and unschooled?" "Why can't we see what would happen?" Of course, my dh would say, "We can't because if we do, Ben loses the SB10 voucher." The irony here is killing me. The school system is using my tax money right now to educate (Yeah, Right!) Ben. However, they (the school system) is now willing to give me the 'choice' to find Ben a more appropriate education outside their system (because it SUCKS so badly and they know it) by giving me back my tax money in order to use it where it will best serve Ben. BUT, and this is a big BUT, I can't used my own tax money, in the form of a voucher, to homeschool Ben, he's got to go to 'a' school. Either a better public school (as deemed by us, his parents) or a private school that takes the voucher. So, my choice and my money are STILL not really my choice or my money. I am STILL being told what my choice has to be (a school) and I am being told that my money really still belongs to the school system and they'll give it to me if I play by their rules. IT SUCKS!!!

I mean, with the money I would get from the voucher, I could probably find a homeschooling teenager to come and hang out with Ben a couple times a week and give me the break I need from Ben without him having to be shipped to school. Autumn would then have her brother back, and though they do fight like Israel and Palestine, she does talk about missing him during the day. I would rather use that money to put Ben into neato classes he'd like to try.

I am so frustrated about all this stuff. I don't even know if there are any answers or what they are? I have prayed until my head hurts over all this stuff, yet God seems silent or hard to understand. Anyway, I have to go. I have been working on this post in bursts over the course of a day. You know 5 minutes here and there.

It just seems that when it comes to Ben NOTHING is ever simple. I have an idea how I want our family to be able to live it's life, but because of Ben's issues, it seems the world is never going to let us.

UGH!

Something Good

So, today has been a good day for Ben. He woke up happy, didn't need Robert or me for anything, played happily with his sister so that Robert and I could sleep in. Then we woke up at 10 (it was awesome) we had snuggle time with Ben in our bed. He loves being cuddled and after the last few days of screaming, yelling and unhappiness it was nice (really nice) to reconnect with the boy that I love (but don't often get to 'feel' like I love). Then I went to Kath's house, got to hang out with her a bit, which I always love, and after I took Ryan and Daniel to my house where everyone is playing quite happily (dare I even say it?).

Who knows what will happen later...or tommorrow when it is back to school time for Ben? I sure don't. But for this moment. I am going to savor the peace, quiet and happiness that is pervading my house.

THANK YOU GOD! For helping me to relish and enjoy the little things. Amen

~Peace,

Brutally Honest

Today is another snowy day.  How awesome...twice in a week...in Atlanta.  Thank you, God, for this gift.  I am trying to focus on this simple pleasure, this peacefully snowing white covered day, because the brutal truth is that I want to run away and never come back. 

This is my blog and I can write what I want to write and it is that I am overloaded from dealing with my Bipolar son.  Here it is...a snow day.  It has been snowing since morning.  One would think, that since a day like this is the stuff of dreams for Ben, he would actually be happy. Oh, but God Forbid!  I can not adequately, nor will I ever, be able to put into words what it is like having a child with this particular mental illness, nor what it is like mothering him.  Moms want their kids to be happy, and do alot to make them happy (within reason so they don't turn out to be evil little brats).  But there is really nothing I can ever do, that will maybe last more than 15  minutes, that will ever make Ben happy.  His mind will not let him be happy.  Yet, he spends most of his waking time either angry, and angry at me (or another family member) because by not doing "x, y, z" with him we are not making him happy.  Then, when we do do things that would make any other kids delirious with joy, Ben will look at me as if to say, "You think that's what I f*cking wanted?  You couldn't be more wrong."  Oh, he doesn't say it, but trust me, that is EXACTLY what the look conveys. 

Parents without kids like this, no matter how well meaning, often just don't get what it is like to be continually hounded by a person who can only think of making whatever happens to be their agenda, that day, happen.  Even I forget what it's like when I am around other kids,  like in various homeschool coops,  with my neurotypical daughter,  and I see the relative ease with which adults and kids interact.  All kids can be obnoxious, unruly, selfish, stubborn, unhappy, demanding, etc at times.  However, Ben, really can only think of whatever it is his mind is telling him it needs in order for him to stay even, calm, happy, balanced.  But most often, those things can not be allowed to happen all the time.  I will not (and can not) buy him everything he decides he wants to have (and oh does he WANT STUFF).  He is unrelenting in his pursuit of acquisitions.  No matter how much I pray, beg, cajole, yell, threaten, he doesn't get that he has to stop his relentlessly perseverative demand for his WANTS or Mommy is going to fall apart and he will have a hell of a time making and keeping friends, because everything is always about Ben.

I feel guilty, empty, hollow, lonely, hurt, despairing, physically exhausted, emotionally beaten down, inept, perpetually unprepared, very sad, afraid, angry, heartbroken, did I mention guilty (because I even feel this way about my own child) alone, misunderstood, judged, out-of-control, at-the-end-of-my-rope, sick-to-my-stomach, anxious, depressed, like-I-want-to-run-away, in-over-my-head, spiritually abandoned, like-a-total-whiner, and it's not going to change much.  For Ben, there are good moments, but there are rarely good days.  I have no idea what puberty is going to be like, for Ben, but I am not looking forward to it.  I know God has a plan, but I don't know what the Hell it is, and you know what?  YES! I would like to be clued in!!!! 

And you know, Ben hates having Bipolar too.  He hates that he can fly into a rage that can last for hours and that he can scream such hateful, hurtful things at people he loves, with no feeling of being able to stop himself.

There is only so much meds can do.  If you have a perpetual headache you can take tylenol or motrin everyday, but there will still be times that the headache breaks through because it is always there.

I will struggle Ben's whole life with feeling like I am either a horrible mother or that I did do the right thing by him.  I just want to cry but am afraid the tears would never stop...so I don't.   I  am on 2 medicines myself just to help me deal with raising Ben.  My sanity is definitely hanging by a thread.  I KNOW God is out there, I just FEEL abandoned.  It's a feeling not reality.  It just feels real.

God, please hear my prayers for peace in my son's mind, and answer them. Amen.

Lost in Transitions

This morning was back to school for 2 of our kids.  Andrew was back to being a Senior at our local High School and Ben was supposed to go back to the special needs elementary school he is attending this year (next year the plan is for him to come back home).  

Well, Ben, as anyone who knows our family knows suffers from Bipolar Disorder.  Let me assure you, he is suffering...and so are we.  Ben has a very hard time with transitions.  Now, there are lots of folks out there with kids who have terrible transitioning abilities.  Most kids with Autistic Spectrum Disorders, and ADHD don't really do well with transitions.  Bipolar kids (and adults) are "off the map" with their inability to handle transitions and, like Ben, become Lost in their own rage and anxiety over Transitions.  So even though we have been talking to Ben about how school was starting this week, this morning, you would have thought he has never heard of school before.

Ben just flipped out with so much anger.  He was yelling and screaming at us.  We would ask him calmly to go and collect himself because we were not yelling and screaming at him and wanted him to try and treat us with the same respect we were treating him with.  So, he would stomp off, yell, come back , yell, stomp off, yell, come back, yell (and think you get the picture).  After about 90 minutes he started calming down and I made him breakfast.  Then he said he was ready to go.  On the way to school he fell asleep in the car and I brought him home.   I got him up into bed and then something  else started him off ( a puppet show he can't attend).  So the screaming and stomping started again.  For another hour it went on.  Finally, because I knew his brain was exhausted from all the upheaval, I got him to lie down and rubbed his head and snuggle him and he was out. He slept about 3 hours.  He had already had a good nights sleep.  That nap was because his brain had a huge emotional seizure the size of Mt. St. Helen's, and desperately needed to turn off and reboot.

Well, he is awake now. He has had lunch and now wants me to play Guitar Hero 3, so I am on my way downstairs. My only hope is that this "run through" today will reduce his need to freak out tomorrow. 

This is the last year he will be able to attend this particular school (because next year is Middle School and there is NO WAY we are going to send him there).  So, for our sanity, and for Ben's exposure to transitions to things that he isn't always happy about but through which he learns he won't die without us near him 24/7, he needs to finish out this school year.  But after being away for over 2 weeks...there was really no way we thought he wouldn't completely lose it over going back.

Did I mention I really want to take a nap!

~Peace~

Going Radio Silent

or , rather, Blog Silent. I have a ton of stuff going on and have to completely avoid the computer. It is way too much of a distraction (more like ESCAPE) right now. Even emails are going to be tossed aside for a bit =:-0. I think I will be back next Monday. Pray for Ben...this is not a good time for Bipolar kids (or consequently, their parents)! Thanks.

~ Peace~

Sick Kid

Ben is sick. He is chronically ill with the mental illness of Bipolar Affective Disorder and is presently ill with what is possibly now a bad cold after a 3 day Flu. I am taking him to his pediatrician at 3 to make sure he doesn't have anything worse.

However, there is not a whole lot worse, in this family, than a kid with the flu who also happens to have BP. It's like having someone who looks like a 10 year old, acts like one most of the time, but when ill might as well be a toddler. He seems to have no concept that I literally can't fix everything and he completely forgets that there are other people in this family. The world revolves around him normally, but when he is ill, he is the center of the frickin' UNIVERSE!!!

I don't know why, when all my kids were, indeed, toddlers that I didn't mind, at all, that they needed me so desperately when they were sick. But, as they get older, when sick, needing me like they did gets, well, OLD! Okay, most husbands are complete babies when they are sick. They do revert to little boys and need their wifey's to be mommies. I'm cool with that. Somtimes it's annoying. (Let's not go into the fact that most moms need to be on the verge of hospitalization before anyone in their immediate family takes care of them.) For the most part, hubbies, can be contained, pacified, and managed...as can, most sick 6, and up, year olds. However, for those who struggle daily with Bipolar (even if they are on meds...which Ben is) being sick just amplifies all of their issues.

I wrote an earlier post on how demanding love is. "Well, no sh*t, Sherlock! " I say to myself. Especially, when it comes to Ben. In the last couple of days I have wanted to run screaming out of the house never to return. The name I am called frequently throughout the day, and the name many women yearn for and never receive, the name, "MOM!" has recently made me want to tear my hair out. The tough part is that no one else seems to be able to get a piece of me when Ben is sick and it really ticks me off. Then I spiral into mother-guilt because I need to remember that Ben is not a typical child. He won't ever be.
I turn into the 2 year old, when in my mind, I just want what I want and I want it now...which is a normal Ben. Ughhhh (big sigh)! I am never going to get that.

I am writing this mostly to me (I guess as I am doing with every post I write). I need to have an outlet for the frustration. Nothing has gotten done today. I have not gotten a chance to do any homeschooling with Autumn. I get so resentlful of the time Ben takes away from his other siblings. The day is just slipping by into a relentless stream of demands and, unlike a typical kid, Ben just doesn't know when or even how to stop.

I must say that I love the little Cuss something awful. He is so cuddly and adorable, so completely in love with his whole family. He can be so generous and thoughtful and then so quickly turn self-centered and inconsiderate. Yet he is so remorseful when he's screwed up and all it reminds me of is me and how I am with God. I am constantly screwing something up, and God is there...ALWAYS....quick to forgive, and to love, and to set me on the right path again...no matter how many times I fail. I HAVE TO cultivate God's merciful heart. If I am the perpetual 2 year old God has to deal with, then shouldn't I give my sweet Ben a little slack?