Self Preservation

I haven't posted in a while because the shit has his the fan at the Ross house. Suffice it to say, read my Hunny's blog. I have no energy left to do anything. My tank is really empty this time. I want out and there IS no out.

R.

A shocking epiphany

I know there is a really good chance my kids will read this someday, so it is probably not a good idea to write this down. Also, some may not like me as much for being honest but here it is: I don't like kids. I love babies and toddlers, maybe preschoolers, but between about 5 & 6 and 13&14 they could all be away at a boarding school and I think I would be happy. I think teenagers, at least the ones I know personally, are really cool. So, this leaves me with 2 kids who are 8 and 11 and in that perpetually annoying age. It drives me crazy how hungry they always are and what messes they make. It bugs the hell out of me that they are so easily bored and not easily amused. They are also demanding, especially Ben, and I don't always give in...but it doesn't matter. Andrew, in all honesty, is the most fun right now. He's old enough to have interesting conversations with, I love his sense of humor, his taste in music, and that he totally understands the value of a nap. I love seeing the person he is...who he is making himself into. Autumn and Ben (especially Ben) still don't know who they are and this in between time grates on me.

I love babies because their needs are so pure and basic...warm arms, boobs, sleep, clean diapers. I can do that. I am really good at that. Toddlers find everything fascinating. Preschoolers are equally as interesting as they move toward autonomy. But elementary through middle school age. What a pain. All the crappy aspects of ourselves we start to see: selfishness, greed, jealousy, arguing, sloth. Here I am a Catholic mom, who has thought she wanted more kids all this time, and now I am not so sure. Granted, I am 42 so maybe the effects of aging and impatience has caught up with me. I still love the idea of a baby though. But then I remember what happens around 5 or 6. Plus, I don't like to play. I mean I love the goofy playing you can do with babies and toddlers. I love going to concerts and talking about new music with my teen. But I don't want to play Barbies, stuffed animals, color for hours on end, read comic books, play shooter games on Xbox 360. This is my blog so I will say it: "I hate feeling like I have to entertain my kids", but at the same time am totally pissed that the youngest ones default to TV/Macs/PCs/Gaming.

Maybe I didn't have enough kids (and I am not kidding here). Maybe there are too few kids too far apart. They don't really have built in buddies. It is too late for me to do anything about that. Even if I got pregnant now, and we loosely use NFP so it is always a possibility, Autumn would be 9 by the time another baby was born, Ben would be almost 13 and Andrew would be 19! Andrew is not interested in Hannah Montana or Webkinz and he isn't into video gaming much anymore. He only likes gaming when he is with friends and they have a Halo shoot 'em up or Guitar Hero contest. Autumn's and Ben's only common interest is TV and swimming. Autumn is pretty girly and Ben is not into that stuff at ALL! Plus they fight like Israel and Palestine. I'm sick of trying to make peace and am strongly considering nuking them both.

I feel burnt out by mothering. I loathe the idea of sending Autumn to school, so I don't know what I am going to do. I wouldn't want to send Autumn to public school, but don't have the money to send her to a private school...Ben's issues have seen to that. I guess it's good that the Catholic Church says to be open to life, but that you don't have to have a ton of kids. Maybe this truth of mine, that I have been unable to really notice, until today, is the reason God has prevented me from getting pregnant these last 5+ years when I have really wanted another baby. Maybe he wanted me open, but knows me better than I do myself, and therefore gives lots of babies to people like my friends: Sara B., Rob, Leonie, Kath, Jennifer, Wendy, Melissa W. etc...

I find myself thinking of other things to do with my time instead of constant laundry, cleaning, cooking, cleaning, breaking up fights, cleaning, begging them to do chores, cleaning, grocery shopping, cleaning, prodding them to read or pleading with them to let me read to them, cleaning...you get the picture.

Maybe I am just having a crappy day. Dunno?

Therapy Session also known as writing out loud.

Here's the situation.

#1- My 2 youngest kids don't read well. I don't think this is entirely my fault since the oldest can read fine and was homeschooled from the beginning of 1st grade through 8th grade.  The 2nd kid, Ben, was homeschooled through 1st grade and then attended off and on (mostly on) a special needs school since 2nd grade and has been privately tutored for a year, and is still not reading well. Then, there is the last kid, Autumn, who just doesn't give a rats ass about reading. For months in a row she reads and seems to make real strides, then she stops and it seems she regresses. So, what is my point. Well, here's the frickin point:

THERE ARE NO GAMES TO PLAY (WHICH ARE INTERESTING TO ME OR THE REST OF THE PEOPLE IN THIS HOUSE WHO DO READ) THAT DON'T INVOLVE READING!!!

Now, if I had a bunch of kids like Rob than maybe the not reading wouldn't matter because I could assign a reading kid to a non reading kid and play games. But that is not my life so there is no point in going on.

#2 Okay, so let's say that except for Jenga, Twister,  Don't Break The Ice, Go Fish and War, there aren't any other things to play. So, of course, there are movies. Well, all the cool new ones are 8 flipping bucks a piece to go to. There is a cheaper theater 15 miles north of here. But that is another 8 bucks, because my gas guzzling Honda Odyssey  gets 13 MPG and at $4 per gallon that is 8+dollars to drive to the theater.  Still, though, I can't go to the movies everday. Even if I go once a week, that leaves me with 6 other days to fill.

Revisting #1 because they don't read they don't write, so I can't even get them emailing friends or writing on their own blogs (which they have and which contain mostly you tube videos of animals being stupid).

#3  Read to them. Oh, I would love that except one of them wants to hear Junie B Jones (books I really do adore) and the other one want me to read him comic books (and they literally put me to sleep).

#4 Going outside??? Not in this heat.  We are members of the pool across the street, but since I just had a piece of my arm hacked off due to a melanoma threat, pool time is reserved for after 3pm and preferably even later.

#5 Playing with toys....these are kids of the new millenium...they don't play with toys...they beg for them and then throw them in a box never to be seen again. 

What does this leave?

#6...my personal favorite...PLAYING WITH FRIENDS!  I would have kids over here everyday, but Ben's friends have outgrown him. This was made very clear during his last stint with CCD. He is still about 10 years old in his head and gets along better with kids 2 to 3 years younger than he is.  Time with his peers only ends in tears.  Plus, other normal families go on vacation with each other and even other relatives. Vacationing with our relatives would be an exercise in fatality (you read that correctly...not fultily...FATALITY).  And vacationing together just ends up being a nightmare. Ben is an absolutely awful traveller.  After our recent trip, with Kath and  her family, to the Renaissance Festival I have vowed never to go anywhere with friends and family again.  Oh, there was nothing that Kath and Rhett's kids did.  We love going places with them. They are a part of the precious few who understand what we go through.  No...it was Ben.  I'm sick of hoping we will all have fun and then it ending with a meltdown of epic proportions.  So, I will go to a concert with Andrew & Robert, I will go out to dinner with Robert, I will take Autumn to Ice rink and let her skate for hours, and I will take Ben to a movie...but I am NOT doing anything with them as a group.  I hate to keep pointing the finger at the kid, but I'll be damned if Ben doesn't 'F' up every family outing. It all boils down to this:  If Ben aint happy, aint nobody happy.

#7  What do we get left with?  Watching hours of endlessly repeated Disney/Nickelodeon/Cartoon Network shows. In Ben's case hours of XBOX 360 Live killing aliens with friends across the world while playing Gears of War.  In Autumn's case, playing Zoo Tycoon or Ty Girlz or Barbie World until her eyes glaze over. 

What sucks is that I can think of so many things to do. I love to read. I could sit and read all day...that or listen to music and find new groups.  I just found out about "Switches".  They are good (to me).  Frankly,  my younger kids lack of ability to find something interesting to do annoys the hell out of me.  I am a first born and was always great at entertaining myself (as is my oldest, Andrew, God Bless him).  My youngest seem to need to be entertained by others or they just veg.  I just want to be put into a cryosleep chamber until Fall...or even better....put them into a cryosleep chamber until Fall.  I just feel horribly guilty that their lack of motivation is my fault.