Friday, February 1, 2008
Fixed my Muse/Dr. Who dead links
For those of you Dr. Who nerds (like me) out there, I fixed my dead YouTube links. And one of my vids from awhile back that had a great slow song by Muse called Unintended got pulled off too, so I found it again, this time paired with fabulous footage of BBC's 2006 Jane Eyre (my favorite book of all time). It is great!
Monday, January 28, 2008
First Reconciliation/Lawn Care
Tonite my girlie goes to her first confession. We have talked about this on and off over the last couple of months, with another last minute cram session this afternoon.
She is 3 weeks from being 8 years old. Let us be honest, confession and reconciliation are just not things the average 8 year old can really grasp. It is something that truly grows with you. I did emphasize to her that she isn't to think that just because her dad and I are grown that we have an easier time being good. I told her that it is when you are grown up that sinning becomes the most easy to do and the most difficult to stop. She was surprised by this. I think kids sometimes tend to think that because they are little and don't know the rights and wrongs of everything or the nuances of various situations that they are worse than grown ups. I told her, she is much closer to Christ and His love as the little girl she is, and the more she can hold on to her simple child-like faith the better.
I reality, her sins are so simple. Of course, like anyone's, they are born of selfishness. But a kids' selfishness is tame compared to ours as adults. I wish my sins were ONLY that I stuck my tongue out at my brother because he wouldn't let me on the computer, even when it was my turn. Instead, mine involve making decisions on how to raise my children, how to treat them, my husband, my friends, those who have hurt me.
I told Autumn that the simplest way to understand sin is that it is an action against real, true love. That is the love that God gives and want us to express as well. How I fall short of showing real, true love. Autumn is much more above board and loving than I am. That is why Jesus said to have the faith of a child. The faith of a child is like a beautiful green lawn and a child's sins are like brand new young weeds fresh from the ground. Their roots are not buried under layers of dark dirt. They are barely under the surface. They are easily picked and discarded barely hurting the lawn. Most adults, however, have weeds in their lawn that are like that of Nutsedge (sp) deep, tangled and hard to get rid of. And when you have managed to uproot them, how painful it is to the lawn, not to mention the deep holes that are left until new grass grows over them. How I love that Confession helps me to continue to pull out those horrible weeds of sin, in my ever growing lawn of faith. And it is not as easy to grapple with those sins, even with God's help, as much as it is for a little kid. It is also a lot more painful to let go of sinful habits, more than for a little kid. They have had much less time to develop them.
The wonderful thing, and this is coming from a convert who used to mock confession and never really understand it, is that since being able to avail myself of the wonderful Grace-giving Sacrament of Confession (or Reconciliation), I have finally been able to rid myself of sins that bugged the heck out of me as a Protestant, but could never seem to kick. And I didn't rid myself of those sins, God's grace and my cooperation with it, are what did. There is real accountability in this Sacrament...there is no hiding yourself when you bare your soul to the one standing In Persona Christi. You hear the things you do and say come out of your mouth and KNOW there is not one righteous, no not one...only Christ is. Hearing your sins aloud makes you even more aware that YOU DO NEED THE FORGIVENESS OF CHRIST because you hear how unloving you truly are. And the best part comes, the part I could only imagine, but never heard, while I was still an Evangelical, and that is this, "In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, I absolve you of your sins. Go and sin no more." HOW AWESOME IS THAT!?! No more wondering if you meant it, if He really did forgive you. You walk out of that confessional on air feeling the Grace and Peace of Christ coursing through your veins. You KNOW that with God's continued help and grace He will help you overcome sins and continue to make you Holy on your life's walk with Christ.
Well, I have to go get Autumn. It is time to go. I am so excited for her. After tonite, the next stop is the pinnacle of Sacraments: the Eucharist...Christ Himself condescending into bread and wine to make it His Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity. Remember from John 6: "I am the bread of Life, whoevers eats this bread will never die." How loved we are. Just mindblowing!
~Peace
She is 3 weeks from being 8 years old. Let us be honest, confession and reconciliation are just not things the average 8 year old can really grasp. It is something that truly grows with you. I did emphasize to her that she isn't to think that just because her dad and I are grown that we have an easier time being good. I told her that it is when you are grown up that sinning becomes the most easy to do and the most difficult to stop. She was surprised by this. I think kids sometimes tend to think that because they are little and don't know the rights and wrongs of everything or the nuances of various situations that they are worse than grown ups. I told her, she is much closer to Christ and His love as the little girl she is, and the more she can hold on to her simple child-like faith the better.
I reality, her sins are so simple. Of course, like anyone's, they are born of selfishness. But a kids' selfishness is tame compared to ours as adults. I wish my sins were ONLY that I stuck my tongue out at my brother because he wouldn't let me on the computer, even when it was my turn. Instead, mine involve making decisions on how to raise my children, how to treat them, my husband, my friends, those who have hurt me.
I told Autumn that the simplest way to understand sin is that it is an action against real, true love. That is the love that God gives and want us to express as well. How I fall short of showing real, true love. Autumn is much more above board and loving than I am. That is why Jesus said to have the faith of a child. The faith of a child is like a beautiful green lawn and a child's sins are like brand new young weeds fresh from the ground. Their roots are not buried under layers of dark dirt. They are barely under the surface. They are easily picked and discarded barely hurting the lawn. Most adults, however, have weeds in their lawn that are like that of Nutsedge (sp) deep, tangled and hard to get rid of. And when you have managed to uproot them, how painful it is to the lawn, not to mention the deep holes that are left until new grass grows over them. How I love that Confession helps me to continue to pull out those horrible weeds of sin, in my ever growing lawn of faith. And it is not as easy to grapple with those sins, even with God's help, as much as it is for a little kid. It is also a lot more painful to let go of sinful habits, more than for a little kid. They have had much less time to develop them.
The wonderful thing, and this is coming from a convert who used to mock confession and never really understand it, is that since being able to avail myself of the wonderful Grace-giving Sacrament of Confession (or Reconciliation), I have finally been able to rid myself of sins that bugged the heck out of me as a Protestant, but could never seem to kick. And I didn't rid myself of those sins, God's grace and my cooperation with it, are what did. There is real accountability in this Sacrament...there is no hiding yourself when you bare your soul to the one standing In Persona Christi. You hear the things you do and say come out of your mouth and KNOW there is not one righteous, no not one...only Christ is. Hearing your sins aloud makes you even more aware that YOU DO NEED THE FORGIVENESS OF CHRIST because you hear how unloving you truly are. And the best part comes, the part I could only imagine, but never heard, while I was still an Evangelical, and that is this, "In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, I absolve you of your sins. Go and sin no more." HOW AWESOME IS THAT!?! No more wondering if you meant it, if He really did forgive you. You walk out of that confessional on air feeling the Grace and Peace of Christ coursing through your veins. You KNOW that with God's continued help and grace He will help you overcome sins and continue to make you Holy on your life's walk with Christ.
Well, I have to go get Autumn. It is time to go. I am so excited for her. After tonite, the next stop is the pinnacle of Sacraments: the Eucharist...Christ Himself condescending into bread and wine to make it His Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity. Remember from John 6: "I am the bread of Life, whoevers eats this bread will never die." How loved we are. Just mindblowing!
~Peace
Sunday, January 27, 2008
New Slang
This is an old song by The Shins. YES! I do listen to lots of bands. I really love these guys alot. If Muse is too 'out there' for ya, try these guys.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Off track
Okay, yes it is true I have been a 'little' obsessed with Muse and Dr. Who lately. Neato TV shows, movies and mostly music are my escapes. Ben has given me more reasons to want to escape lately.
I promise I will be back to writing about the exciting adventures of my crazy family soon. Hmmm...where did I put my MP3 player? Time to escape!
Next Chapter: School vouchers and how I get Ben into a really neat private school without it ruining us financially.
Back to the music...
~Peace
I promise I will be back to writing about the exciting adventures of my crazy family soon. Hmmm...where did I put my MP3 player? Time to escape!
Next Chapter: School vouchers and how I get Ben into a really neat private school without it ruining us financially.
Back to the music...
~Peace
I you love the 10th Doctor you will LOVE this!
Excerpts of the adorable and fabulous David Tennant as the 10th incarnation of The Doctor set to Muse's Math of the Problematique
Friday, January 25, 2008
Dr. Who/ Muse-Our Time Is Running Out
Now I'm in trouble because I found out that I am not the only one who sees Muse and Dr. Who as the perfect combination. There are lots of these videos. I'll be posting more!
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Muse Sunburn
I know, I know...stop with the Muse already. Sorry, I can't. I am completely intoxicated by their music. This video is from a few years ago. Cool and kinda creepy.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Like I didn't see this coming!
| You Are a Night Person |
 For you, there's nothing worse than having to get up and moving early. In fact, you probably don't hit your peak until well after the sun has set. So if your struggling to make it on a normal schedule, realize it's not your fault. You just weren't meant to do anything during the day! |
I couldn't resist...it nailed me again!
| You Are an Indie Rocker! |
 You are in it for the love of the music... And you couldn't care less about being signed by a big label. You're all about loving and supporting music - not commercial success. You may not have the fame and glory, but you have complete control of your career. |
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Time Lord Nature
The hottest band and the hottest Doctor...Dr. Who (David Tennant, of course!)...make the perfect duo! Someone made a video of Dr. Who clips from season 3 and put it to Muse's song Nature 1. It is awsome, but the embedding was disabled. If you love either the Doctor or Muse go see it here.
Together For Life 2007
This was the March for Life last year. The man speaking is a Baptist minister. He was great. His preaching reminded me of my Baptist days. I am quite happy as a Catholic now. I was there with Andrew and his friend Claire. She couldn't come with us this year as she was visiting a college. We missed you Claire!
March For Life
This is a cause near and dear to my heart. Because had I been a different woman 18 years ago, my wonderful, amazing, fabulous...I could go on and on...son might not be here. So, every year, since he's been 14 (and actually once when he was 3 in Washington D.C. when Clinton was in office) we have gone and, along with hundreds of others, Marched for Life.
Today, Mike Huckabee was the speaker. He was GREAT! I took a picture with my phone and I am going to see if I can add it to this post eventually. Hearing him in person, and his dedication to the cause for Life only made me like him more as a Presidential Candidate. It is a core issue for me, probably more than homeschooling, dare I say it (and Huckabee has gotten a bum rap on that score if one even bothers to check it out). So, after hearing him talk about his devotion to the Culture of Life (and when people use JPII's words I instantly warm to them) and then thanked Catholics first, for being the ones to really oppose abortion from the beginning (even before the Evangelicals ...so said he) I couldn't help but like him more. I was a Baptist for 2 years (most Protestants try out lots of different Denominations) and they are NOT fond of Catholics, so I liked that Huckabee gave us props. (Though he doesn't strike me as an anti-Catholic Baptist at all...and I know not all Baptists are...so if you are one don't get mad).
Anyway, I know as the days pan out it's looking less like Huckabee has shot at the nomination. But I will be pulling (and praying) for him until the end. He's got an important message. I think people need to hear it. He doesn't hide who he is. He wears his beliefs on his sleeve, and his faith informs his politics not the other way around as with other politicians. He is a man I can stand with. I am happy I got to see and hear him in person. He was very well received by my fellow Georgians, and even the Georgia Right To Life endorsed him as their candidate of choice because of his unwaivering stand for Life.
The walk was solemn and God held the rain until we were done (which was nice coz it was 33 degrees).
See what Georgia is doing to defeat Roe v Wade.
For Life...Always!
Monday, January 21, 2008
A Gesthemane Moment
I don't know how many of you Catholics out there have ever participated in the Parish Renewal program called Christ Renews His Parish or CRHP (pronounced Chirp for short), but it is an amazing and singular retreat experience. It is quite unlike anything out there. If your parish has it...RUN...don't walk...and sign up for the next one.
Well, CRHP is self perpetuating. It is not stagnant. Folks attend a CRHP weekend then many from that group go on to present a CRHP weekend and then the presenters kind of move off into various parish ministries and the attendees go on to be presenters and it keeps going from there. Our parish started CRHP a couple of years ago. Every 6 months there is a CRHP Weekend for Men and a week or so later their is the Women's weekend. Each group of people to attend are a team. I went to Team 1's presentation of a CRHP Weekend, and those in my group who continued to form the next Weekend became Team 2. Once you have gone to CRHP you may or may not be Called by God to come back to another CRHP team to help them out. This just happened to me. I was Called to go and help form Team 6 to put on a CRHP Weekend whose attendees will become CRHP 7.
There are many roles to be filled for a CRHP weekend. And only God, in a special discernment prayer meeting will Call those He chooses to certain roles. No person says to another, "You are meant to do this or that." Well, at the most recent discernment I was Called to be the Lay Director. Let me tell you what a hilarious joke on me that is. And I have been really freaking out over the last few days asking God if he could take this cup from me...after I decided maybe I don't want it. It is going to stretch me in places I have never stretched and I'm feeling quite inflexible, KWIM?
Lay Directors direct the proceeding of a CRHP meeting. I have to watch time, make sure folks don't stray off topic, keep to a prescribe schedule, help insure the retreat goes smoothly giving oversight to all other ministry heads. It's not my show. I am just helping to direct it. Okay, stop laughing all of you who know me. I know what you are thinking. "How could God let Rachel do that?...Her CRHP meetings are going to end up being a train wreck!" Well, the first one was a bit disorganized, but my Spiritual and Co-Spiritual Directors Ann and Jacki thought it went alot better than I did. I even got an email from a member of the group, Julie, telling me she was glad I was the Lay Director. WOW! COOL! I gotta say, I won't be doing ANY of it without God's help. I think that is why I am where I am. He knows I need Him for this position. I also adore the women in this team and know that they will help and best of all LOVE me through it. They won't be judging, just encouraging. So, Fear Be Damned! Get behind me Satan! I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
Oh, and for any of you Catholics out there reading this who have a Christ Renews His Parish in your church, DO NOT HESITATE! Sign up NOW! It will be, quite possibly, the BEST thing you have EVER done for your relationship with CHRIST, your FELLOW PARISHIONERS, and YOURSELF!!!!
~Peace,
Something Good
So, today has been a good day for Ben. He woke up happy, didn't need Robert or me for anything, played happily with his sister so that Robert and I could sleep in. Then we woke up at 10 (it was awesome) we had snuggle time with Ben in our bed. He loves being cuddled and after the last few days of screaming, yelling and unhappiness it was nice (really nice) to reconnect with the boy that I love (but don't often get to 'feel' like I love). Then I went to Kath's house, got to hang out with her a bit, which I always love, and after I took Ryan and Daniel to my house where everyone is playing quite happily (dare I even say it?).
Who knows what will happen later...or tommorrow when it is back to school time for Ben? I sure don't. But for this moment. I am going to savor the peace, quiet and happiness that is pervading my house.
THANK YOU GOD! For helping me to relish and enjoy the little things. Amen
~Peace,
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Brutally Honest
Today is another snowy day. How awesome...twice in a week...in Atlanta. Thank you, God, for this gift. I am trying to focus on this simple pleasure, this peacefully snowing white covered day, because the brutal truth is that I want to run away and never come back.
This is my blog and I can write what I want to write and it is that I am overloaded from dealing with my Bipolar son. Here it is...a snow day. It has been snowing since morning. One would think, that since a day like this is the stuff of dreams for Ben, he would actually be happy. Oh, but God Forbid! I can not adequately, nor will I ever, be able to put into words what it is like having a child with this particular mental illness, nor what it is like mothering him. Moms want their kids to be happy, and do alot to make them happy (within reason so they don't turn out to be evil little brats). But there is really nothing I can ever do, that will maybe last more than 15 minutes, that will ever make Ben happy. His mind will not let him be happy. Yet, he spends most of his waking time either angry, and angry at me (or another family member) because by not doing "x, y, z" with him we are not making him happy. Then, when we do do things that would make any other kids delirious with joy, Ben will look at me as if to say, "You think that's what I f*cking wanted? You couldn't be more wrong." Oh, he doesn't say it, but trust me, that is EXACTLY what the look conveys.
Parents without kids like this, no matter how well meaning, often just don't get what it is like to be continually hounded by a person who can only think of making whatever happens to be their agenda, that day, happen. Even I forget what it's like when I am around other kids, like in various homeschool coops, with my neurotypical daughter, and I see the relative ease with which adults and kids interact. All kids can be obnoxious, unruly, selfish, stubborn, unhappy, demanding, etc at times. However, Ben, really can only think of whatever it is his mind is telling him it needs in order for him to stay even, calm, happy, balanced. But most often, those things can not be allowed to happen all the time. I will not (and can not) buy him everything he decides he wants to have (and oh does he WANT STUFF). He is unrelenting in his pursuit of acquisitions. No matter how much I pray, beg, cajole, yell, threaten, he doesn't get that he has to stop his relentlessly perseverative demand for his WANTS or Mommy is going to fall apart and he will have a hell of a time making and keeping friends, because everything is always about Ben.
I feel guilty, empty, hollow, lonely, hurt, despairing, physically exhausted, emotionally beaten down, inept, perpetually unprepared, very sad, afraid, angry, heartbroken, did I mention guilty (because I even feel this way about my own child) alone, misunderstood, judged, out-of-control, at-the-end-of-my-rope, sick-to-my-stomach, anxious, depressed, like-I-want-to-run-away, in-over-my-head, spiritually abandoned, like-a-total-whiner, and it's not going to change much. For Ben, there are good moments, but there are rarely good days. I have no idea what puberty is going to be like, for Ben, but I am not looking forward to it. I know God has a plan, but I don't know what the Hell it is, and you know what? YES! I would like to be clued in!!!!
And you know, Ben hates having Bipolar too. He hates that he can fly into a rage that can last for hours and that he can scream such hateful, hurtful things at people he loves, with no feeling of being able to stop himself.
I will struggle Ben's whole life with feeling like I am either a horrible mother or that I did do the right thing by him. I just want to cry but am afraid the tears would never stop...so I don't. I am on 2 medicines myself just to help me deal with raising Ben. My sanity is definitely hanging by a thread. I KNOW God is out there, I just FEEL abandoned. It's a feeling not reality. It just feels real.
God, please hear my prayers for peace in my son's mind, and answer them. Amen.
This is my blog and I can write what I want to write and it is that I am overloaded from dealing with my Bipolar son. Here it is...a snow day. It has been snowing since morning. One would think, that since a day like this is the stuff of dreams for Ben, he would actually be happy. Oh, but God Forbid! I can not adequately, nor will I ever, be able to put into words what it is like having a child with this particular mental illness, nor what it is like mothering him. Moms want their kids to be happy, and do alot to make them happy (within reason so they don't turn out to be evil little brats). But there is really nothing I can ever do, that will maybe last more than 15 minutes, that will ever make Ben happy. His mind will not let him be happy. Yet, he spends most of his waking time either angry, and angry at me (or another family member) because by not doing "x, y, z" with him we are not making him happy. Then, when we do do things that would make any other kids delirious with joy, Ben will look at me as if to say, "You think that's what I f*cking wanted? You couldn't be more wrong." Oh, he doesn't say it, but trust me, that is EXACTLY what the look conveys.
Parents without kids like this, no matter how well meaning, often just don't get what it is like to be continually hounded by a person who can only think of making whatever happens to be their agenda, that day, happen. Even I forget what it's like when I am around other kids, like in various homeschool coops, with my neurotypical daughter, and I see the relative ease with which adults and kids interact. All kids can be obnoxious, unruly, selfish, stubborn, unhappy, demanding, etc at times. However, Ben, really can only think of whatever it is his mind is telling him it needs in order for him to stay even, calm, happy, balanced. But most often, those things can not be allowed to happen all the time. I will not (and can not) buy him everything he decides he wants to have (and oh does he WANT STUFF). He is unrelenting in his pursuit of acquisitions. No matter how much I pray, beg, cajole, yell, threaten, he doesn't get that he has to stop his relentlessly perseverative demand for his WANTS or Mommy is going to fall apart and he will have a hell of a time making and keeping friends, because everything is always about Ben.
I feel guilty, empty, hollow, lonely, hurt, despairing, physically exhausted, emotionally beaten down, inept, perpetually unprepared, very sad, afraid, angry, heartbroken, did I mention guilty (because I even feel this way about my own child) alone, misunderstood, judged, out-of-control, at-the-end-of-my-rope, sick-to-my-stomach, anxious, depressed, like-I-want-to-run-away, in-over-my-head, spiritually abandoned, like-a-total-whiner, and it's not going to change much. For Ben, there are good moments, but there are rarely good days. I have no idea what puberty is going to be like, for Ben, but I am not looking forward to it. I know God has a plan, but I don't know what the Hell it is, and you know what? YES! I would like to be clued in!!!!
And you know, Ben hates having Bipolar too. He hates that he can fly into a rage that can last for hours and that he can scream such hateful, hurtful things at people he loves, with no feeling of being able to stop himself.
There is only so much meds can do. If you have a perpetual headache you can take tylenol or motrin everyday, but there will still be times that the headache breaks through because it is always there.
I will struggle Ben's whole life with feeling like I am either a horrible mother or that I did do the right thing by him. I just want to cry but am afraid the tears would never stop...so I don't. I am on 2 medicines myself just to help me deal with raising Ben. My sanity is definitely hanging by a thread. I KNOW God is out there, I just FEEL abandoned. It's a feeling not reality. It just feels real.
God, please hear my prayers for peace in my son's mind, and answer them. Amen.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow
Thank you, God, for letting it snow tonight. I know there are so many people in the world who see it everyday and don't enjoy it for the peaceful , beautiful, wonderful thing that it is. The kids have been so happy. They ran around the house looking for hats and gloves screaming, "It's snowing, it's a MIRACLE!" Then my 18 year old son danced in the front yard as the huge flakes hit his face. That is life in Atlanta, where snow is a welcome Miracle. I hope school is out tomorrow.
Thanks Big Guy!
Amen!
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