I posted this on a sidebar awhile ago...then took it off. But it is worth keeping.

"I’d encourage your youngest one to abandon kindergarten altogether. Almost everything I learned was learned outside the classroom, and school itself interrupted my education. Moreover, school locks you in with your peers. That is a mistake. One’s social circle should never include one’s equals. From my earliest years I found children uninteresting and always preferred the company of adults. This was an advantage, because I got to know lots of folks who are dead now whom I never would have known if I had waited until I was an adult. - So I have a collective memory - and oral tradition - that goes back to the eighteenth century, having spoken with people who knew people who knew people who knew people who lived then. - The only real university is the universe and a city its microcosm. That is why an expression like “New York University” is foolish. New York City is the university….Instead of school, children should spend some hours each day in hotel lobbies talking to the guests. They should spend time in restaurant kitchens and shops and garages of all kinds, learning from people who actually make the world work….One day spent roaming through a real classical church building would be the equivalent of one academic term in any of our schools, and a little time spent inconspicuously in a police station would be more informative than all the hours wasted on bogus social sciences. Formal lessons would only be required for accuracy in spelling and proficiency in public speaking, for which the public speakers in our culture are not models, and in exchange for performing some menial services a child could learn the violin, harp, and piano from musicians in one of the better cocktail lounges, or from performers in the public subways….So I urge you to keep your child out of kindergarten, because kindergarten will only lead to first grade and then the grim sequence of grade after grade begins and takes its inexorable toll on the mind born fertile but gradually numbed by the pedants who impose on the captive child the flotsam of their own infecundity." ~Fr. George Rutler

Originally posted by Peter Robinson via The Corner at National Review Online.

School is ruining my life

I hate school and I hate schooling. I am speaking here of school from prek-12th grade. So much of it is complete bullshit. Let me repeat that...BULLSHIT...big stinky hot piles of bull poo poo! (College is not compulsory. You either choose it or you don't. Andrew is loving college.)  You know when people say to homeschoolers (which one rarely hears anymore), "What about your child's socialization?" Well, to be honest, THAT is about the only value I see to schools. I spoke with Andrew recently about high school and asked him for an honest assessment since he's graduated. He told me the only stuff he really got out of high school are 1) friends and the bands he formed 2) the video-broadcasting dept 3) Fencing.  Two out of the 3 things were mostly social. The video stuff was what he always wanted to do. He said he would have been happy to go and learn about the video stuff, play drums and guitar all day, and occasionally Fence... if he had the choice. I asked him if he missed it at all. He said, "No."

I think it would be super cool if there were a place for homeschooled kids to hang out with a variety of friends of different ages, everyday, for a few hours. But not the way school does it, nor even the way many homeschoolers do it. I mean totally unstructured getting together just to hang kinda time. Even homeschoolers often only get together under the auspices of 'doing something schooly' UGH!!! JUST STOP IT ALREADY!!! Why do homeschoolers copy schoolers AT ALL!?! See that is where school has it all wrong. The socialization in schools, for the most part, is artificial. It takes place under the watchful eyes of 'authorities' and kids can't do what they are interested in. I would love to see a cool place with a big video game room with a bunch of geeky kids playing Halo 3 or Gears of War. Then there could be another room where kids were watching movies, one for art, one for reading, one for chatting and board games, a lab for experiments and on and on. Outside there were would be kids exploring the woods and some playing athletic games. A place like this could be staffed by the parents, each lending his or her special talents to helping kids learn and do whatever it is they are interested in doing whether that is accounting skills, knitting a sweater, designing a computer game, building a website, or baking a cake. How cool would that be?  I know it's been done. Summerhill is a good example. So are Sudbury Valley Schools. They are Unschooling schools, but I am thinking more of a learning enrichment center. 

So, Ben is going to his school just when the 'fun stuff' happens. He is attending the latter half of the day for a social skills class, lunch, and a fun elective (alternates between science experiments and indoor/outdoor athletics).  This is a private school that caters to special kids. But they are still freaked out that Ben isn't being 'educated'.  I think he's getting plenty of an education just hanging with these kids and developing friendships while realizing he can be away from the family (esp. ME) and not DIE.  But all the hoops I have to jump through are just making me loathe any school: public or private they are all a pain in my ass!  I thought, mistakenly, that when I started paying for a school that they would be more willing to work with me in the best interests of Ben. Okay, the private school is much better than the public school he went to (and I am NOT blaming teachers, I am BLAMING the administrators and the state/federal gov't for the public school's inflexibility) but the private school still has an agenda and we had to twist some arms to get what we have now.  Let me be clear in saying that the private school administrators have been fabulously accommodating, but they still want it to go 'their way' when all is said and done.

Anyway, school has been ruining my life for years now. I haven't needed school for Ben.  I have needed what I proposed above for Ben.  If I had the money I would open such a 'place' myself. I think a relative would have to die and leave me money first, so I am not counting on opening any such 'place' anytime soon.  

Leonie just sent me a copy of a book that only confirms all of the feelings I have had about schooling, and unschooling, and has me pining for a simpler life. Especially because of all the shit we have had to wade through these last years regarding Ben and school. I am just so tired of it all.  At first things look like they will work, people make promises they can't keep, Ben falls apart and our family life explodes. I hate it and I just want it to stop!!! Yes, Ben can drive me absolutely out of my skull. However, school is driving him nuts so I am even more crazy. The stress is just insane. I am sick to death of all the frickin outside interference into our lives. I bet I could have gotten a homeschooled teenager to come and play video games with Ben a couple times a week for alot cheaper than his darn school costs. (Yes, I am getting about 2/3rd the tuition back in State vouchers, but not until the end of the school year will I recoup it all. So, we had to pay the whole 18K out of pocket up front.) I know I could have paid a teenager less and there would be far more peace in our home. 

Man, I am an idiot. Will I ever learn what God has been trying to teach me for so long....to let Go and Trust. And to think I have the AUDACITY to get pissed at my kids for not "listening to me" when I tell them to do something a hundred times. How flipping long has God been telling me to stop trusting 'so called experts with my kids and start trusting my kids and myself. I am the best expert on my kids.  I think God's been at this with me for 19 years. How wonderfully patient he is with me and how horribly impatient I am with my kids. Jeez, I really suck.

 UGH!!!!

Cool unschooling site

I think this site originates from England. It is called The Parenting Pit. I found it at the Motheringdotcom forum. So far, I really like it.

Full blown Radical Unschooling

Suffice it to say, due to the nature of my cyclic downturn, Tumnal and I are just hanging...watching movies and I am reading Henry and Mudge to her. I am going to take her on a bunch of field trips...assuming I can find gas...and just get us out. The other pressure I was dealing with was my anxiety over her lack of reading. She can read...slowly. I can read and comprehend at the speed of light, so this drives me nuts. I used to be so trusing of kids' ability to learn. I did it fairly effortlessly with Andrew. Ben screwed me though, because he learns sooooo dfferently because he thinks sooooo differently. Anyway, I told Robert she has to go to a real school because I am not a 'homeschool teacher' and it's killing me to try and be that. We either trust her and keep her home or we don't and send her to school, but I am not going to fight for what I believe(d) in because I don't kow what that is anymore. I compare myself to so many other moms their kids and families and I feel like such a failure. I am trying to get my head around the fact that *I* am not like other moms and my family is not like other families. We have to do what works for us and keeps the peace, or I could very easily go AWOL.

Melissa Wiley's Sheer Brilliance!

The following post, in bold, is a post in the comments section of Melissa Wiley's amazingly wonderful blog. I am reprinting one of her comments to her own post because I know some friends and relatives of mine would probably never make it over to Melissa's blog.  What Lissa has written below has so perfectly captured the mindset of many a homeschooling mom. I think it's important for those close to me to know that this very same "GOT it" moment, which Melissa writes about, is something I have finally found my way through as well, but she put it into words...perfectly!     (Note: the term CM is referring to a homeschooling method called Charlotte Mason.  However, one could substitute any other method/philosophy here, for example, Waldorf, Montessori, Classical, Traditional Pre-Packaged Curriculum etc...)

Oh, and after this on/off again marathon day of posting, I am taking a break. I'll check back in a few days. 

~ Rachel

Melissa Wiley wrote:

But I’ve been (for months, really–you can see it in Lilting House posts from last spring and summer) pondering deeply WHY I have, always, in the past, inevitably drifted back into a CM mindset at certain times of the year. Why such a strong pull in two opposite directions, with CM on one side and unschooling on the other?

And I suddenly GOT it. But let me just say here that I’m speaking for myself only, about my experience, and not making a sweeping statement to apply to everyone, everywhere.

What I have grasped is that the Charlotte Mason ideal appeals to the schoolgirl *I was*. It’s the kind of school experience I wish I had had, the kind I yearned to have without knowing how to articulate it, back when I was having an entirely different kind of school experience.

In high school, I wrote a big long story all about Plumfield, Mrs. Jo’s school from Little Men. I went through some kind of time warp and wound up at Plumfield and went to school there. And as an adult reading CM’s work, I found Plumfield again. In those descriptions of happy, busy mornings spent with great books and nature study and poetry and art and music and all the things I love best, and long afternoons free for personal interests, I found a vision of school as I would have loved it, myself. IThe schoolgirl inside me leaps at the prospect of that kind of school life.

But the mother in me, the grownup Lissa watching her own kids learn and grow and live, sees something beyond the ideal *school* experience. Unschooling is outside school, bigger than school. It doesn’t need to be the ideal best-possible version of school. It is something broader, richer, more rife with possibilities. And so I think, if I am reading my heart correctly, that my movement between two ideologies (and it has been almost completely a very happy process, this seasonal shifting–everything I have blogged is absolutely true; my children and I have had great fun with our tidal learning lifestyle, though of course we have foundered sometimes and I’ve swallowed a fair amount of water in my day)–I was saying, my attraction to both CM and unschooling has to do with the two parts of me: the schoolgirl I was, and the mother I am.

The mother is the stronger part of me, and she reads her children well, and places a high priority on their joyfulness. And I think–though it feels like going out on a limb to say it, and I certainly mean no disrespect or implied criticism of those friends for whom the CM philosophy is more than a means of offering balm to the soul of an inner schoolgirl–I think that having identified the source of the attraction to that ideology, I am now able to let it go. My inner schoolgirl is satisfied. Here, in this house, we’re doing something that is other than school.

I give up!

My paying Autumn to read has been a miserable failure.  Well, maybe not.  Some would say it failed because she decided after making about 15 bucks that she was done and showed no further interest in pursuing reading on her own.  Remember,  I never pressured her to read.  I just set a mutually agreed upon amount to a mutually agreed upon series of books,  after asking her if she was even willing to undertake this task in the first place.  So, Alfie Kohn might say it was a success because it absolutely demonstrated that unless one is intrinsically motivated,  they are going to lose interest in whatever it is they are doing, no matter the 'reward'.  The fact that she had some serious coin to make, but lost interest after about a week is quite telling.  The kid likes money.  Apparently, though,  money doesn't mean as much to her as I thought (and I really *love* that!).  Below is an excerpt from Sandra Dodd's website. It was a gentle smack in my face as to what I wasn't letting happen.  Read on and you'll see.  Therefore,  for Autumn's sake, I am giving up and letting her come to reading in her own good time.

ALERT- ALERT -ALERT THE FOLLOWING POST IS NOT MINE. IT IS FROM SANDRA DODD'S WEBSITE

The Deeper Effect of a Child Learning to Read: Confidence

a Mom in a discussion online: A homeschooling friend has shared that she feels we need to teach the basics then unschool them.

Joyce Fetteroll:Your friend is wrong. If she's never experienced a child who learned to read or do math without instruction then of course she's not going to be able to imagine it's possible.

Sandra Dodd: If what the friend is imagining is that a child who reads will then acquire all the other knowledge on her own, that's not the worst vision in the world If what the friend is hoping is the child will get past the point that the mom worries about getting in trouble or failing entirely, I can understand her reasoning.

If she REALLY wants to unschool, though, it will help her immensely to see how many ways children can learn without reading. And it will help the children immensely to have the deep confidence that they can learn without instruction. Any child who has learned to read without "being taught" (and I have three of them) cannot doubt that he can learn other things without finding a teacher and following a prescribed course.

Holly takes fiddle lessons. In the course of a month she has private, paired and group sessions. She really likes that. She shows me what she learns and I play with her at home. I found her some songs and a book and she goes outside of just what the teacher has assigned. Many music students don't. School-trained, or just lacking courage and joy, they will only play what the teacher "makes" them play, or what the teacher tells them they can play, without thought to the idea of figuring out that through experimentation and analysis, they can figure out themselves what other songs might be within their range of ability.

Kirby studies karate at a dojo where he's gone for seven years. He's part of a longterm group, there are many adults there who have watched his progress all those years, and once a week he teaches a class of younger children. So although there is a prescribed course, there are several different aspects and there is flexibility to the learning and activities he's involved in there.

Had I just taught my kids to read and THEN unschooled, they would not be the calmly confident people they are today. They might be saying "Okay, mom, time to teach me division" or "Mom, you didn't teach me to spell yet." Instead of that, I help them learn whatever is in front of them.

Sandra Dodd
April 2003


Somebody asked Rosie, yesterday, who taught her to read. I was there, listening. She hemmed and hawed a little - then said, brightly, "My own BRAIN taught me to read." As if that answered it. The other kid (one of her girl scout friends) was questioning her about homeschooling, not looking for THAT kind of answer at all...but Rosie couldn't figure out any other way to answer the question. I helped out by stepping in and saying, "She means she taught herself."

Pam Sorooshian
September 2003

Our "If You Give a Moose a Muffin" kinda day

I realize I rarely write about what Autumn and I do.  Today was kind of a fun day for us and is a good example of how things unfold for us.  If you have read:  If You Give A Moose A Muffin,  If You Give A Mouse A Cookie, or If You Give A Pig A Pancake,  you will see the similarity.

We got up and I made coffee and cleaned the kitchen while she watched a new CGI version of Winnie-the Pooh. 

Then we watched some Rugrats and I blogged about my patroness (see below post).

Afterward, we switched the TV to Animal Planet and colored a picture from her St. Therese coloring book.  It contains really pretty pictures (not goofy cartoony looking things).  We were using colored pencils and practicing shading in different ways.  We talked about today being my Patroness' Feast Day, so I told Autumn a little about Margaret Clitherow.  Autumn wanted to know when she would get to have a patron saint and I told her she picks one, officially, at confirmation (because there is nothing stopping her from having one now).  So she told me she was picking Therese the Little Flower.  I told her it was a great choice.  She asked if it was okay for more than one person to have the same saint.  I told her it was okay.  Then I read her a Max & Ruby book , at her request. 

After watching the very sad, yet interesting, vet interns show on Animal Planet, we turned off the TV and rough housed a bit.  Autumn is really enjoying being held tightly and trying to escape.  I remember Andrew and Ben loving this too. (So, did I as a kid).  Then that morphed into us dancing around the house and Autumn being spun around (feet off the floor) in our only-bookcases-no-furniture-room.  After that, I spotted the Mary Memory card game I bought from CHC long ago.  So, we played it Go Fish style and talked about the different pictures of Mary and what some of them meant.  Then we played it Memory style.  Of course, Autumn won both times.  When she won the second time,  I asked her to give me 'five' and she kept missing a solid smack to my palms.  So, we started playing Miss Mary Mack and Brown Sugar Apple Sauce.  We were laughing hysterically, because I was trying to teach Autumn the back of the hand smack then turn and smack palms, then clap.  She kept screwing it up and saying , "Again again!"  We finally got it down.

Andrew and Ben has half days at school, so during our dancing around the house,  Ben came in,  said nary a word, and went down to play Halo 3 on Xbox 360 online.  Shortly after that,  Andrew and Eric (the lead guitarist in their band, Iconoclast) came home.  Andrew grabbed the keys to my van to pick up the rest of the band,  and Autumn and I headed outside (because it is beautiful today) to blow bubbles.  She and Ben got a bunch of bottles of bubbles in their Easter Baskets.   

So, we were out blowing bubbles for a bit and then noticed the kitties watching us.  So, we went into the house and started blowing bubbles at the cats.  They were intrigued and a little scared.  Well, we just kept doing it and then realized we were getting soap everywhere, but that it was okay because the floor really needed mopping.

That's when I decided to look for the camera, so I could get a few shots of Autumn blowing bubbles, all over the kitchen, at the cats.  I couldn't find it.  But I saw my iMac and thought, "Blog about this now before you forget."  So that is what I am doing.  And while I am doing this,  Autumn just yelled up and asked if I would pay her a couple of bucks if she mopped the kitchen and breakfast room floor (which is soapy).  I said, "Sure!"  So, now she is downstairs mopping and,  I have noticed,  that she went above and beyond what I asked and had mopped the entire downstairs.  How cool is that?

Well,  I need to get back to my day with my kidlets.  Just wanted to share a little bit of our lives.

~Peace

P.S.  I just gotta add that Iconoclast is down in the basement practicing.  You can hear them all over the house though  the distance between floors dampens their sound a bit.  They are *really* good.  Andy's first band was more Indie-Pop kinda Killers-ish,  but this new band is more atmospheric Interpol/Radiohead-ish.  Anyway,  Andrew is not only the drummer, but the lead singer now.  His voice has a really cool low whispery quality to it.  It's kind of (for those in the know) Sisters of Mercy meets Coldplay meets Interpol.  It jazzes me to no end what a neat kid he is.

Another AMAZING post!

I dare you to read it, especially those of you who don't buy into unschooling or even homeschooling. I dare those of you to read it who *really* think schooling is the answer, or that even copying schooling in your homes, as so many homeschoolers do with curriculums, is the answer. This post (letter) was written by a public high school biology teacher now unschooling mom, when she resigned.  It is long but well worth reading all the way through! It is profoundly true.

Hey, I have a kid in school. Andrew was unschooled and he made the choice to go to high school. He wanted to do it and we said, "Go for it! You can always come home, but if you decide you like it, learn to play the game...because it *is* a game." Well, he liked it enough to continue, but we have had MANY discussions, over the last four years, regarding so much of the mindless and pointless aspects of traditional public (and private) schooling.  To be honest, I don't know if I can go through high school again with another kid. These last four years have darn near done me in.  So, here's hoping Ben and Autumn stay home.

Speaking of Ben, in reference to the linked post, unfortunately, he would absolutely be pegged as a 'loser'. In fact, he already has been deemed as such by the public school system.  The rub that comes with putting one's child in a special needs public school setting is that they have got him 'marked for life'.  That is why, even though we all needed a break from one another, and the school Ben goes to is the lessor of two evils, we still HAVE TO get him out of there, never to return, when this year is over.   I just can't, in good conscience, do public school anymore.  Even if Ben's best interests continue to lie in a school setting.  No matter what we have to do, it's going to HAVE to be private.  My dream, my hope, my prayer, is that he can come back home to unschooling and all of us be happy and at peace with the decision.

I am just glad that I came to my senses, when I did, about Autumn, and that she will grow up relatively free and unfettered by all this complete crap!

~Peace

Read every last word...

of this spectacular, beautiful and truly important post by fellow blogger, Melissa Wiley.  The discussion in the 'comments' section is fabulous.  Come join in!

~Peace

An Experiment

Okay,  so what does one do when one is an Unschooler who wants to encourage their reluctant reader to read but isn't interested in coercing them? Do you reward them when they have read?  No.  Because gold stars mean nothing to my daughter.  I, personally, hate them.  What a kid wants is hard cold cash.  So, you pay them to read.  Yup!  That is what I am doing.  

I was thinking about what it must be like to go to school, while your parent (s) go to work, and then have nothing to show for it at the end of the week, when at least they are getting paid.  I was thinking about how much more interesting it would have been to get paid to go to school.  I might have tolerated it more.  I mean, if I HAD to go, why not get paid.  So, then I figured, what if, instead of shrouding becoming more fluent in reading with rewards and praise, which do little to make someone enjoy reading for it's own intrinsic value, why not treat it like a job.  Some kids get allowances.  Though as parents we suck at giving allowances.  I figure, when you are in a family, part of being in it, is pulling some weight.  That's just part and parcel of belonging to the tribe, so to speak.  However,  if I ask the kids to go above and beyond typical daily duties I will offer to pay them.  For instance, Andrew details our cars and gets a nice sum for it.  He does a better job than Car Spa.  

All this made me think that Autumn,  though interested peripherally in reading,  doesn't care much about it. I don't care much either.  I see that she is learning and progressing and I am cool with it.  However, Robert would really like to see some more fluency.  So, I was thinking about how to set this up so it wouldn't be misunderstood by her.  We have blatantly tried to bribe her before, but it doesn't work.  Alfie Kohn is right about rewards being like a punishment of sorts.  All motivation goes out the window when we dangle a carrot.  So, how could I motivate her without the carrot?  How do I give her control over this?  Something not to be used as a reward, but something I could set up like a job...an extra chore...because that is how she sees it.   So instead of saying, " Autumn, if you read this book I will give you 5 gold stars that will equal $1 and when you get 25 stars ($5) you'll get a treat. "  Rather it's more like, "You don't like reading, but I would really like you to get better at it,  so how about I pay you to do it as a job?  For every book you read you get X amount of money, you don't read you don't get money but no one is going to give you a hard time either, your choice."   

  With the idea in my head, Autumn and I went out to lunch, at a cute cafe, in historic Roswell where we live.  We ate chicken tacos out in the breezy sunny 55 F day .  We watched people and pups walking by and we chatted.  It was there I pitched the 'idea'  to her.  I asked her if she would like to make some money at the job of learning to read.  I told her that like her Dad's job she would get paid after, not up front. I laid down the specifics and the salary.  She liked it alot...thought it was very fair. 

 Now, some people probably think I am nuts.  That is okay.  People have thought I have been nuts for a long time.  Now, however, the coercion is off the table.  Autumn is 8 years old.  She is at an age where she wants certain things and I won't buy stuff just to buy it for her.  I don't want to set up the expectation that she will get everything she asks for.  Talk about 'Primadonna Training'!  And I am trying to find her ways to make money so that she can learn to manage her own.  Up until today, I couldn't think of a thing.  I am hoping this goes well.  Maybe we will both be able to get what we want.  I will be able to see her gain in reading proficiency and she will make some cash.  She wants the cash for things like Webkinz.  There she can read what her little pets say to her.  Also, she likes Beanie Babies 2.0 where she can chat.  I figure her reading proficiency will only come in handy in both venues and will continue to build on itself effortlessly....well, at least, that is the plan.

I will say that she came home from our lunch and did 2 lessons of click and read and then struggled through a book, but did a really great job, and was thrilled to get payment.  I will keep you posted.  Something I else I think this is going to help with is math...a twofer how awesome!

~Peace

The Unschooling post I promised...RANT, RANT, RANT!

Okay, so I have been involved in many a homeschooling support group over the 13+ years I have homeschooled.  One thing that is becoming overwhelmingly obvious is that we homeschooling moms are still not getting it.  And by it, I mean the socialization of our homeschooled kids.  Now this is not the socialization issue that "schoolers" bring up against "homeschooling", but the actual socializing of our homeschooled kids with other homeschooled kids.  Only one group I am in gets it...and they have had a Homeschool Park Day, for over 10 years now, where the kids get to just play.  It seems that every other group I get involved with always has to turn the meeting of other homeschooled kids into a miniature school. UGH! It is really frustrating.

Probably more frustrating is that in order to get your child(ren) into a social situation, like the one I mentioned above, is that the moms have to be integrally involved.  And by being involved, I actually mean, said moms will have to teach a group of kids in a classroom some pre-determined subject that the adults have decided on (not the kids, God Forbid). No offense to my daughter, or anyone else's kids, but I spend alot of time with Autumn and if I get a chance for alone time, I want it.  I don't want to teach other people's kids...I don't "teach" my own (in the traditional sense).  That's why when Autumn takes classes 'she is interested in' I can just hang out and read a book, or drop her off run some errands, and pick her up.   Autumn wasn't interested in her classes at Torch, and she isn't interested in the class I teach at her new co-op SOG.  Now, she loves the Art class that SOG just added, and she wanted to try the Spanish, which they just added too, but she doesn't like it (because the teacher expects the kids to read, and Autumn is not a fluent reader yet). 

I have already pulled myself and Autumn out of our parish's new American Heritage Girls troop.  Instead of setting up a date twice a month where little Catholic girls of the parish could play and become friends, the grown ups had to make the social time "count" by starting this Christian scouting group.  What a nightmare.

When I realized this was making my home life worse, and not better (because they meet on Friday nights at 7pm!) my husband told me it was time for it to go.  I can't tell you how relieved I was when he said, "Get out of there."  Autumn wasn't as thrilled with leaving, because she liked seeing her friends.  But she didn't care a bit about the scouting part of it.  Why do parents stress themselves out with this stuff?  We do all this stuff thinking the kids are going to love it, when if we asked them, they would probably say they would just like to play with their friends for 2 hours instead of doing a bunch of tasks to fulfill a badge requirement which is just a piece of fabric one wears to tell the world, "Look at all I have achieved."  My daughter doesn't have to achieve a darn thing for me to love her.

What Autumn wants to do at these co-op/scouting classes is play with other kids, especially girls, because she's with me most of the time. I know she loves me, but I am sure I can be boring to her at times.  I don't blame her for wanting some peer time.  I have been hounding her Dad for another baby (a 2nd girl would be awesome) for years, but nothing is happening.  So, Autumn just has to deal with the fact that she has an 18 year old brother whose life is completely different than hers (though he loves her) and another brother, 11, who (when the stars are aligned and the planets in the right house) will happily play with her, otherwise he just instigates fights with her.  Autumn, being essentially an only child homeschooler, gets lonely.  She wants to play and relate to other kids.  I dare say, even kids who are homeschooled with siblings probably want to get out and see other kids in a social setting every once in a while too.

I don't construct events or structured situations in order to get together with my friends, for example: only seeing them within the context of classes etc.  I see my friends to spend time with them and develop, deepen, and strengthen our friendship. Our times together are free form. Sometimes we may choose to do something structured with each other...a movie, a cooking class, bible study etc...but mostly I just want to sit with them and chat over a cup o' joe or glass of wine. What I see going on in the homeschooling community is that there has to be a more important reason to get kids together than just for play. WHY!?!  That ends up, yet again, admitting, that kids still need something schooly.  Well, they don't.  They are kids, they want to play.  It is so good for them to play and use their imaginations, and to build lifelong friendships.  In free form play they really do learn to socialize, because it isn't a structured activity like school, team sports, dance, art classes or any other type of situation where adults are running the show.  I am not suggesting that classes aren't ever necessary.  Autumn loves to dance and wants to learn how to do various dance styles.  I can't teach her that. I am not a dancer.  So, she takes ballet, jazz, or tap classes depending on the mood she is in when it comes time for registrations.  She also wanted to work with clay and learn more about acting, so she takes a pottery class and drama class and adores them too.  

However, in the last 2 co-ops we were involved in, Autumn really just wanted to play with the kids in her co-op class, she wasn't much interested in the topic.  Oh, sure she would participate, and I would have to beg and cajole and even threaten her that I would send her out, in order to get her to participate sometimes.  And I don't need some arbitrary subject/class setting to have me angry with my daughter.  She is not in school for many reasons, but one I loathe is the constant shaming and blaming kids who are distracting, or disruptive, in a class, because they are bored and would rather do something more interesting like talking with their friends.  There is enough in a regular day that I might get upset with Autumn about, the LAST thing I need to come between us is a mock school setting. And you know how I knew she didn't care about those subjects at the co-ops?  Because she barely retained any of what we covered.  I don't retain anything I am not interested in learning either. If I am not ready or don't care it goes in one ear and out the other...and I bet it is very similar in almost everyone. It's like when I was in school and retained something long enough to take the test and promptly forgot it. 

So, when we are done in the next 6 weeks with this co-op we will probably move on.  I think it is more worth it to pay the yearly fee to these co-ops and take advantage of the cool field trips they offer, than it is to take the classes.  I actually want my daughter to have more time to play.  She is the one I am homeschooling, no one else. I could kick myself for getting angry with her because she is distracting other kids, who are not mine, from what I am supposed to be teaching them, because she would rather talk to the little girl next to her.  I'm on her side.  I am involved in this group for her. Not for anyone else.  So, if it is not working for her, then it's not working period.

I am really going to work on some kind of a set play date for Autumn's friends homeschooled or schooled.  Maybe a Catholic Friends group.  She already has Tuesday Park Day with a diverse mix of friends.  But she does have a bunch of friends at church, so a Catholic Friends group would be cool.  And I am not going to tie anything, it's just going to be friends playing with friends.

I hope you are all lathered up. With that I step off of my soap box. 

~Peace

Control

I hung out with Sara (next to me in middle photo) a few days ago and helped her with her blog. She sees me as a blogwiz (of course the very idea would make my husband explode with laughter). Regardless, I was totally psyched to help her. So now she has a picture of her family and some coolio widgets etc...I even got her on nearcirlce and she was really excited about that. I LOVED helping her. I really had fun.

(BTW, Andrew doesn't really drink. He's not 21 yet. However, he was making fun of all of us at a dinner party we threw over the weekend. He said 'Hey, look this is what happens at a 'Catholic dinner party' and took the picture of me and Sara and the one above us which was a pic all the bottles of wine. Then he had me take the pic of him pretending to drink Tequila through a funnel. Admittedly, our friend John, was making some killer Margaritas! So, when it comes to Christmas parties....Catholics do have more fun!)

Sara and I always have these winding, stream of consiousness, theological, pedagogical and just plain cool conversations. We were talking alot about CONTROL. . She has also blogged about it at her site Those That Wonder. So we were chatting about how, maybe on the surface, some might think that moms like us, who are really into our Catholicism, might be automatically stereotyped as the controlling, authoritarian, structured type of moms. Not me though...nor Sara really either. I really don't believe that my Faith gives me any right to control my kids. I have a *right to raise them*, but *not control them*. I am to do my best to instill our family's faith and values. I try to live my life in a way so that they will come to understand what I (and their father) believe is truly important and worthy of wanting...their Catholic Christian Faith. I want my kids to learn to control themselves. Robert and I have to show them how to do that by the way that we control ourselves. If my kids only control themselves because of external pressure exerted on them from us, or others around them, how are they going to live as adult who can make their own decisions? I want my kids to be able to internalize the way we live and what we believe so that they learn to control themselves from the inside out. So, how does *that* happen?

So far, around here, it happens through lots of conversations some calm (and some not so calm sorry to say) and acting out examples of how one would accomplish things like getting their point across or what they need, even what they might want. It is so true that the expression "Do what I say, not what I do" will not get you far with your kids. They are watching us...THEY ARE WATCHING US! I have to admit that most every crappy, naughty, selfish thing I have seen my kids do or say, they have seen me do first. I think if maybe parents admitted that to themselves things with their kids would get better. So, the way I help my kids THE MOST with interalizing all the virtues so that they can live them is for me to live a virtuous life in front of them more often than I am doing now. And that is hard because I am everybit a sinner as they are...more so because of age.

Ever wonder why Our Blessed Mother appears to kids more than adults? Because they ARE innocent and less sinful than we are. So why are so many of us out there so desperate to CONTROL our kids and make them better? I don't know because so many of us are NOT BETTER with age, maybe more wise and experienced, but sad to say, we are less transparent sinners (like kids are) and more covert, manipulative sinners. Am I suggesting that kids are perfect, or can't benefit from our experience? No! of course not. I am suggesting that controlling their lives may be more sinful than helpful on our parts. Even Jesus told us to "have the faith of a child". Children are very important to God and he doesn't think they are mindless little brats who need to be controlled and coerced to grow up. Instead he tells us to be like little children. Innocent, trusting, curious, loving, open etc...

So, all that being said, I am trying to control my children less (I don't do much controlling of them to the outside world to begin with, so I am sure the thought of even less control by me is frightening to some). I want to guide them more, show them more (with my actions) how to live...and because they have me for a mom...I will be showing them (unfortunately with some of my actions) how NOT to live as well...but hey! then they will see me go off to Confession. So I *can* win for losing.

I know I will come back to this topic. But for now, I am done pondering in print.

~Peace~

REAL Freedom

Yesterday was my Familia meeting. Familia is an apostolate of Regnum Christi. (Though you don't have to be a member of RC to be in Familia.) RC is very time consuming so I just stick with Familia. Anyway, the meetings are set up to read and study the Gospel, the Catechism, &Papal Encyclicals. We come up with resolutions to help us in our spiritual lives and we pray for each other.

Our Catechism lesson (taken from the Catechism of the Catholic Church) was on Man's (& Woman's) Freedom. This section of the catechism is so beautiful, awe-inspiring, and pertinent to unschooling that I just have to write some of it out for all of you to read.

CCC 1730: God created man a rational being, conferring on him the dignity of a person who can initiate and control his own actions. "God willed that man should be 'left in the hand of his own counsel,' so that he might of his own accord seek his Creator and freely attain his full and blessed perfection by cleaving to Him."

CCC 1731: Freedom is the power, rooted in reason and will, to act or not act, to do this or that, and so to perform deliberate actions on one's own responsibility. By free will one shapes one's own life. Human freedom is a force for growth and maturity in truth and goodness; it attains its perfection when directed toward God, our beatitude.

CCC1732: As long as freedom has not bound itself definitively to its ultimate good which is God, there is the possibility of choosing between good and evil, and thus of growing in perfection or of failing and sinning. This freedom characterizes properly human acts. It is the basis of praise or blame, merit or reproach.

CCC1733: The more one does what is good, the freer one becomes. There is no true freedom except in the service of what is good and just. The choice to disobey and do evil is an abuse of freedom and leads to the "slavery of sin."

CCC1734: Freedom makes man responsible for his acts to the extent that they are voluntary. Progress in virtue, knowledge of the good, and ascesis enhance the mastery of the will over its acts.

CCC1738: Freedom is exercised in relationships between human beings. Every human person, created in the image of God, has the natural right to be recognized as a free and responsible being. All owe to each other this duty of respect. The right to the exercise of freedom, especially in moral and religious matters, is an inalienable requirement of the dignity of the human person. This right must be recognized and protected by civil authority within the limits of common good and public order.

So, there you have it. Straight out of the mouth of the Catholic Church. A definition of freedom different from what the modern culture would believe. Little do they know, however, that in their seeming freedom to do whatever they want whenever they want they are really slaves to their own sins...especially the sin of selfishness which usually ends up infringing on the freedom of others. Abortion would be a perfect example.

My hope for us all is that we may truly be free and find that freedom in Christ who said, "The TRUTH will set you free."

~Peace~

Please go to this blog NOW...

...and watch the short film. I promise all of you unschoolers out there that this wiil make you happy!

Peace,

Being judged for being an Unschooler

(Above is a picture of a fabulous book, Homeschooling With Gentleness; A Catholic Discovers Unschooling by Suzie Andres. I encourage all those skeptical of unschooling to at least read it through before making any more rash judgements. Click the pic and it should take you to Amazon.)

A couple of days ago I was installing the Mass readings widget on my blog. You can get it by going to http://www.catholiccontent.com/. While I was there I noticed I could put a widget in that would let people search CatholicBlogs. Not knowing how one gets added to CatholicBlogs, I searched myself...hey,Catholic is the first word in my title. Well, what should come up but a woman's blog (who shall remain nameless coz I don't want her to get any mean comments) who wrote, "I know unschooling is wrong." Admittedly, she went on to to list a bunch other things that she, as a Catholic homeschooler, thought were wrong. Then, she went on to say that she still shouldn't judge someone's devotedness to Catholicism based on what she thinks is wrong because, unless it is morally wrong, it's just her opinion.

What is everybody's problem with unschooling? Geesh! It drives me crazy. Where in the bible does it say, "Thou shalt make thy children sit at a desk and practiceth language arts, math, science, and history"...huh? Argh! (yes, I made a pirate sound...it ticks me off that much!) I know people who are very school-at-home homeschoolers. Secretly, I am slightly envious. But the envy is a misdirected kind. I am utterly stunned they can get their kids to actually do the work they put in front of them without balking. Heck, if I were a homeschooled kid today I wouldn't want to do, much less be truly interested in, half of what I was 'supposed' to do.

Why do so many people (religions and not religious) get education confused with discipleship and parenting. I am not, as I have said before, and unparent. There are unschoolers out there who's learning philosophy extends to how they parent. I am not into it. God has told me that I do need to train my kids. Not in a psychotic "Pearl" way (remember those authors? shudder), but in a "we're the parents and you're the kids" kind of way. I am not ashamed to say that I was here first, and yes, that does naturally extend to me more life-experience-wisdom if you will. Do I think that I can't learn from my kids? No! They teach me stuff all the time. I just don't believe they are my equals as some of the more secular unschoolers do. On the flip side, however, dh and I don't rule this house with an "iron-fist-50's-style-Nun-smacking-you-with-a-ruler" authoritarian style either.

We have expectations for our kids' behavior and "we" mostly have to model it, coz let's face it, the whole "Do as I say and not as I do" parenting style just ain't gonna cut it in the long run. Yet, when we have to take a more hands-on on approach and basically lay down the law, we always try to do it in a way that is loving and non-condescending. Now, I personally, fail woefully at this because I have the temper of a petulant 5 year old at times. So, I end up having to apologize to my kids sometimes. But that is good for me and them. Then they see that I am not perfect just because I am the mom, and they see that I know I need to ask forgiveness because I really need forgiveness. We all do.

The problem I have with the more structured and authoritarian style homeschoolers is that just because it's the parents job to set the rules and guide their children's behavior doesn't mean they have to do the same with the way their kids learn. If the most important commandments Jesus gave to us (which sum up the 10) were from Matthew 22 vs36-39....

"Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?"
And He said to him, " 'YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.'
This is the great and foremost commandment.
The second is like it, 'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.' "

...then how on earth does one extrapolate from that that unschooling is morally wrong or that schooling-at-home is morally right? Because if someone calls unschooling wrong that is tantamount to calling it a sin. How on earth could it be that my kids learning what they want to learn when they are ready to learn it possibly be a sin? A sin would be me not talking to them about their Catholic faith and why it is important and true, not helping them to see what it means to be Catholic, and even worse not taking them to Mass and nor allowing them to avail themselves of the Sacraments.

As a member of the fabulous apostolate FAMILIA, of which I am in my 4th and final year, we have studied the encyclicals of Pope John Paul II. He wrote so wonderfully and eloquently about the family being the domestic church and how real love is a sincere gift of the self and about the inherent dignity of each human person. Well, if my and dh's family is our domestic church, if we love our kids, and want them to grow up strong in the Faith, we have to respect our kids for who God made them and how He made them. They are as much a part of the Body of Christ as dh and I are...but we are not all meant to be 'eyes' and as such shouldn't all be trained or taught to be' just eyes'. God wants me to see my children (and really everyone) as the unique individuals they are. God is not a cookie-cutter God, so why should I expect myself or my kids to be stamped from the same mold as everyone else?

As a Catholic, all I have to do is look to the different charisms of the different Orders through history: Carmelites, Dominicans, Jesuits, Franciscans, Benedictines, Legionaries etc... All so different, but never the less, completely devoted to Christ and His Church.

I am giving a sincere gift of myself by staying home and letting my kids learn the way they learn best. Yet, as we all know sometimes days are good, sometimes bad, but the way we handle it...if we turn toward or away from God...that's is what my kids will learn without me saying a word. And the only thing God wants me to teach them is "To love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, soul, and mind." And I am doing that. Plus, don't forget what St. Francis of Assisi said:

"Preach the Gospel at all times, if necessary use words."

Gal Pals

Autumn has her good friend Joy Beth over today. This morning was our parish Familia meeting (http://www.familiausa.net/) of which Joy's mom, Sara (an unschooling Catholic friend) and I, are both members. We met at my house today. Sara had to take her older daughter to a Challenge meeting so I suggested Joy Beth stay here. I love these kind of days for kids. The 2 girls are just having a great time using their imaginations and just playing, playing, playing. It's so good for them. I just don't thing kids get enough of real play anymore. Even with homeschoolers there is this seeming need to have any kind of kid get together mean something more than just playing. UGH! It drives me crazy. Most of the time when I try and get together with friends, I have no motive other than to be with them. Why isn't that good enough for our children?

Things I have learned about myself regarding homeschooling

Okay, so last night I couldn't sleep. I got this horrible cold going around. So, I prayed, offered up my suffering for my husband (who life at work has really sucked lately) and started thinking about things I have learned about homeschooling after having been at it for over 10 years.

1) I am drawn to curricula. I find it fascinating. I even like to buy it. However, in all reality it barely, if ever, gets used. There is saying someone told me comes from AA that goes "insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again but expecting different results". Clearly, I have been insane many times over the past decade buying curricula that I thought my kids would like to use, but they didn't. Because no matter how pretty it looked from the outside, or how well laid out it seemed on the inside, it was still contrived lesson plans that someone thought my kids should know. Well, the kids DIDN'T want to know it. Not then, and/or not in that way, so it unded up being a waste of money. Today, I say goodbye to that. Good, real books, cool reference materials, neato toys and projects; those will be the things I will spend money on from here on out.

2) I really LOATHE the institution of school. The more I read about the history of compulsory schooling the more the very thought of it just makes me want to hurl. When I think about how historically UNNATURAL it is to have little kids sitting around all day, at a desk, and told what to do, where to go, when to go, how to do things, what to think, the social bullying and general cruelty of (schooled) kids.... UGH!!!!...all I can think about is PRISON. I really cannot stand schooling. It goes against the very gift that God gave us; the gift of free will. I mean where do people make the connection that somehow being in school helps one to form their free will? If anything going to school ends up turning people in sheeple.

3) I love unschooling but get really mad that some who take this same approach think that unschooling is synonymous with "un"parenting. That whole TCS (Taking Children Seriously) crowd are a bunch of wackos. (I can say that it's my blog). Of course, we should take our kids seriously, but not the extent to which some of the more idealistic TCSers do that is patently ridiculous and downright dangerous to kids. Conversely, I resent those who think that because I am an Unschooler that it implies I let my kids do whatever they want...and call my dedication to my faith into question. Heck, I can't even do whatever I want, so I know they aren't. There is a difference between mindfully parenting (which I do) and learning (which we all do).

My kids are allowed to learn the way that they want, but they have chores, responsibilities, expectations for good behavior etc (which my dh and I better be modeling for them first!) . The Bible and Catechism are remarkable silent in expressing a method of education. They both state that it is the job of parents to raise their kids in the faith and that we are their primary teachers (if you will). The Bible states that we are not to exasperate our children. Man, how many kids are beyond exasperation with school, yet we keep making them go?

Most modern Catholic schools teach exactly the way our Prussian based public schools teach, they just add Religion, Mass and Prayer. I don't think that is necessarily a better alternative. Not when you finally learn that breaking things into subjects and starting kids in formal academic learning (that they have not asked for or chosen) is actually an impediment to real learning...and an encouragement to "learning disabilities". I would rather have unschooling, Mass, prayer, Adoration etc... At least, then, my kids are living the faith withing the context of life and not school. When faith is another subject at school, it runs the very real risk of becoming just that, another subject to get through with. I never want my kids to view the most important thing in life (their faith) like that.

4) I am really bugged by people asking my daughter what she learned today regarding homeschooling. Most people can't think outside the box enough (thanks, school) to try and really understand unschooling. It makes so many so very uncomfortable. So, they ask what did you learn today. What is that about? When I ask my highschooler (his choice to go ,not mine) what he did in school, rarely does it have to do with any academic subject. When I ask Ben about school he's virtually nonresponsive. And most kids are. You ask kids who go to school about what they did or what they learned and alot of them just shrug their shoulders. Surprisingly, no one takes much notice. They assume (and rightly so) that the kids are exhausted and just want to go home and play or veg in front of TV. BUT, when my daughter is asked about what she is doing or learning, as a homeschooler, she (and I) are judged far more harshly than her "schooled" peers and their parents. The time has come for that to stop.

5) All this being said, I really want my son out of his special needs public school setting. Yes, he can drive me completely mad, but he's my boy. I am so sick of the school administration treating me like a second class citizen. Like they know what is best for my Ben. I am sick of having to lie (to prevent a social worker from sending a nasty truency letter) everytime I want to take Ben on some homeschooling field trip that his sisters group may attend. I'm sick of having to talk Ben into going to school everyday, when he doesn't want to. He's there because last January, after homeschooling him (but trying, for dh's sake, to be more structured) things didn't work out and then Ben just became mentally unstable, so we all needed a break from each other. However, I realize now that I need to be more firm in my stand regarding unschooling both Autumn AND Ben ( for I have seen how it works in my 18 year old highschool senior). I have to stop vascillating for the sake of others and stick to my convictions. (Again, thank you school for undermining my confidence in myself and giving me that never ending need to get approval by those who are so-called "experts:!) The truth is I am not the "school at home" type of homeschooler, and neither are my kids...and that is just that. Time to accept it and move on. By fighting my convictions for the sake of others I just go crazy, the kids become little monsters, and I waste alot of money.

Okay, so my self reflective rant is over, for now.

Hopefully, I will get to take a nap today.

Always behind

You know, you'd think I would have all this down by now. I am, afterall, 41 years old. But NO! I am sitting here posting on my blog about what a procrastinator I am. I have to be at a different parish than mine in 30 minutes with a 2 hour lesson, with crafts, on Reptiles. I live with an amateur herpetologist (our 17 year old, Andrew). He's the one who unschooled himself in all things REPTILE by watching hours of Animal Planet and Discovery Channel. Did I ask him? No. Anyway, I'm praying this morning goes well. Why oh why did I the non-lesson-planner-shoot-from-the-hip-kinda-gal agree to do this! Grrrrr!

Friday I'm In Love

I just wanted to say thank you to Robert Smith of The Cure. I had been trying to get the whole days of the week thing through to my unschooled kids who, seemingly, have no sense of time except for Saturdays and Sundays (which mean vigil or regular Mass) and Monday which means school for 2 of my 3 kids. But the rest of the week just melds together. Oh, but not anymore, because Autumn and Ben have been listening to The Cure Galore cd in my car; and they love Friday I'm in Love. The lyrics repeat themselves alot but here's one stanza:

I don't care if Monday's blue
Tuesday's gray and Wednesday's too
Thursday's I don't care about you;
It's Friday I'm in Love.
Saturday...wait,
Sunday always comes to late,
but Friday never hesitates.

All of that is put to the catchy new wave stylings of The Cure (a favorite band of mine) and you have yourself a way to teach the days of the week painlessly and fun.
Take that worksheets!!

Beautiful Day

Okay, so today is AWESOME! I love Fall (obviously, my daughter's name is Autumn), but, man, when it kicks in there is nothing better. Atlanta is a pretty city, as are it's suburbs, one in which I happen to reside. There are so many trees and garden-y type things here. It is so lush with foliage. So, seeing a few trees with tips of red or gold just gives me tingles. Then there is the weather. The kind that had me just cuddling my hubby this morning with no real urge to leave bed. (And yes, it was G rated cuddling...the door was open and the kids were going in and out...so, alas, just G rated cuddling.) It was in the high 50's when we woke up and, now at 3:45pm is about 74. It is clear, sunny, breezy and wonderful. Thank you God for Autumn!!!

After cuddle time I took Ben and Autumn to the park to play tennis. They are so into it now. At least, if my dad isn't going to be an active grampa and only show up every 4 years (like last week) he did have a great time with the kids and introduced them to a sport they seem to really love. Funny, if Dad could have been more unschoolish with me, maybe I wouldn't have grown up hating tennis. I don't hate it anymore. But, because Dad had Chrissy Evert aspirations for me, which I did NOT have for myself, I spent more time throwing rackets at him over the net, than figuring out if I really liked the game. It's the same ole' story of being introduced to something in a "see if you like this because I love it sort of way" or "because I love this I am going to make you like it by forcing you to get involved". The latter always turns people off. Ever notice that?

So I just watched a really good movie titled "Catch and Release" with Jennifer Garner and Kevin Smith. Robert watched it with me. It was a great little ensemble piece involving love, loss and finding out who people really are. Of course, it took 3 hours to watch a film that was barely 2 hours long. It seems Ben and Autumn can't be without Robert or me for much time at all. Sweet, but annoying. They had me all to themselves for 2 hours playing tennis earlier. Give mama a break, please!!

Well, I am sitting here at my pc as the breeze blows across my arms. So, I think God is trying to lure me back outside. Maybe it's time for a late afternoon coffee on the deck as I watch the kids scream and chase each other around the house.