4 years ago
Monday, February 12, 2007
Ben is sick. He is chronically ill with the mental illness of Bipolar Affective Disorder and is presently ill with what is possibly now a bad cold after a 3 day Flu. I am taking him to his pediatrician at 3 to make sure he doesn't have anything worse.
However, there is not a whole lot worse, in this family, than a kid with the flu who also happens to have BP. It's like having someone who looks like a 10 year old, acts like one most of the time, but when ill might as well be a toddler. He seems to have no concept that I literally can't fix everything and he completely forgets that there are other people in this family. The world revolves around him normally, but when he is ill, he is the center of the frickin' UNIVERSE!!!
I don't know why, when all my kids were, indeed, toddlers that I didn't mind, at all, that they needed me so desperately when they were sick. But, as they get older, when sick, needing me like they did gets, well, OLD! Okay, most husbands are complete babies when they are sick. They do revert to little boys and need their wifey's to be mommies. I'm cool with that. Somtimes it's annoying. (Let's not go into the fact that most moms need to be on the verge of hospitalization before anyone in their immediate family takes care of them.) For the most part, hubbies, can be contained, pacified, and managed...as can, most sick 6, and up, year olds. However, for those who struggle daily with Bipolar (even if they are on meds...which Ben is) being sick just amplifies all of their issues.
I wrote an earlier post on how demanding love is. "Well, no sh*t, Sherlock! " I say to myself. Especially, when it comes to Ben. In the last couple of days I have wanted to run screaming out of the house never to return. The name I am called frequently throughout the day, and the name many women yearn for and never receive, the name, "MOM!" has recently made me want to tear my hair out. The tough part is that no one else seems to be able to get a piece of me when Ben is sick and it really ticks me off. Then I spiral into mother-guilt because I need to remember that Ben is not a typical child. He won't ever be.
I turn into the 2 year old, when in my mind, I just want what I want and I want it now...which is a normal Ben. Ughhhh (big sigh)! I am never going to get that.
I am writing this mostly to me (I guess as I am doing with every post I write). I need to have an outlet for the frustration. Nothing has gotten done today. I have not gotten a chance to do any homeschooling with Autumn. I get so resentlful of the time Ben takes away from his other siblings. The day is just slipping by into a relentless stream of demands and, unlike a typical kid, Ben just doesn't know when or even how to stop.
I must say that I love the little Cuss something awful. He is so cuddly and adorable, so completely in love with his whole family. He can be so generous and thoughtful and then so quickly turn self-centered and inconsiderate. Yet he is so remorseful when he's screwed up and all it reminds me of is me and how I am with God. I am constantly screwing something up, and God is there...ALWAYS....quick to forgive, and to love, and to set me on the right path again...no matter how many times I fail. I HAVE TO cultivate God's merciful heart. If I am the perpetual 2 year old God has to deal with, then shouldn't I give my sweet Ben a little slack?