Saturday, January 19, 2008

Brutally Honest

Today is another snowy day.  How awesome...twice in a Atlanta.  Thank you, God, for this gift.  I am trying to focus on this simple pleasure, this peacefully snowing white covered day, because the brutal truth is that I want to run away and never come back. 

This is my blog and I can write what I want to write and it is that I am overloaded from dealing with my Bipolar son.  Here it is...a snow day.  It has been snowing since morning.  One would think, that since a day like this is the stuff of dreams for Ben, he would actually be happy. Oh, but God Forbid!  I can not adequately, nor will I ever, be able to put into words what it is like having a child with this particular mental illness, nor what it is like mothering him.  Moms want their kids to be happy, and do alot to make them happy (within reason so they don't turn out to be evil little brats).  But there is really nothing I can ever do, that will maybe last more than 15  minutes, that will ever make Ben happy.  His mind will not let him be happy.  Yet, he spends most of his waking time either angry, and angry at me (or another family member) because by not doing "x, y, z" with him we are not making him happy.  Then, when we do do things that would make any other kids delirious with joy, Ben will look at me as if to say, "You think that's what I f*cking wanted?  You couldn't be more wrong."  Oh, he doesn't say it, but trust me, that is EXACTLY what the look conveys. 

Parents without kids like this, no matter how well meaning, often just don't get what it is like to be continually hounded by a person who can only think of making whatever happens to be their agenda, that day, happen.  Even I forget what it's like when I am around other kids,  like in various homeschool coops,  with my neurotypical daughter,  and I see the relative ease with which adults and kids interact.  All kids can be obnoxious, unruly, selfish, stubborn, unhappy, demanding, etc at times.  However, Ben, really can only think of whatever it is his mind is telling him it needs in order for him to stay even, calm, happy, balanced.  But most often, those things can not be allowed to happen all the time.  I will not (and can not) buy him everything he decides he wants to have (and oh does he WANT STUFF).  He is unrelenting in his pursuit of acquisitions.  No matter how much I pray, beg, cajole, yell, threaten, he doesn't get that he has to stop his relentlessly perseverative demand for his WANTS or Mommy is going to fall apart and he will have a hell of a time making and keeping friends, because everything is always about Ben.

I feel guilty, empty, hollow, lonely, hurt, despairing, physically exhausted, emotionally beaten down, inept, perpetually unprepared, very sad, afraid, angry, heartbroken, did I mention guilty (because I even feel this way about my own child) alone, misunderstood, judged, out-of-control, at-the-end-of-my-rope, sick-to-my-stomach, anxious, depressed, like-I-want-to-run-away, in-over-my-head, spiritually abandoned, like-a-total-whiner, and it's not going to change much.  For Ben, there are good moments, but there are rarely good days.  I have no idea what puberty is going to be like, for Ben, but I am not looking forward to it.  I know God has a plan, but I don't know what the Hell it is, and you know what?  YES! I would like to be clued in!!!! 

And you know, Ben hates having Bipolar too.  He hates that he can fly into a rage that can last for hours and that he can scream such hateful, hurtful things at people he loves, with no feeling of being able to stop himself.
There is only so much meds can do.  If you have a perpetual headache you can take tylenol or motrin everyday, but there will still be times that the headache breaks through because it is always there.

I will struggle Ben's whole life with feeling like I am either a horrible mother or that I did do the right thing by him.  I just want to cry but am afraid the tears would never I don't.   I  am on 2 medicines myself just to help me deal with raising Ben.  My sanity is definitely hanging by a thread.  I KNOW God is out there, I just FEEL abandoned.  It's a feeling not reality.  It just feels real.

God, please hear my prayers for peace in my son's mind, and answer them. Amen.


WellManneredFrivolity said...

I wish I could do something to make help you. I will lift you and your family up in my prayers.
If you ever need a virtual shoulder to cry on please feel free to email me at wmf0971 at earthlink dot net


Anonymous said...

Praying for you Rachel!



Mrs. T said...

Praying for you here, too.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Rachel! You brought tears to my eyss. I can only sympathize as I see you struggle. I know how intensely you love your family and it hurts you to feel these things, let alone say them. I will say many prayers for you and your family.
Sara B.