Friday, March 14, 2008

Baby Blues

Okay I admit it...I am sad.  But I don't have baby blues in the traditional sense of mild PPD.  I have baby blues because I am blue that I don't have a baby.  My 'baby' is 8 years old.  I have a lot of friends who have had or are having babies this year.  I WANT ONE TOO!  I have written about this before, but I am going to be 42 in a little over a month and I just see time slipping away.  

Some people think I am nuts, but, I really love everything about babies: nursing, cuddling, co-sleeping even diapering!  I like diapering coz I am a cloth diaperer and it's just so earth mama.  I really love it.  I am not the only one either because Elizabeth Foss posted an article on her blog about a year ago about how much she loved cloth diapering.   I am NOT ready to give up babies.  I am just not.  I push this desire down so deeply because it is really heart breaking when it surfaces.  

Yes, I have 3 kids.  Some say I should be grateful for what I have and not complain.  Well, that is the whole point to my complaining.  I AM GRATEFUL for the kids I have and I WANT MORE!!

There are moms out there with 4, 5, 6, 7 8, and more kids.  Why can't I be one of them?  I mean, am I a horrible mother?  I just don't get it. I am not really asking for answers, I am just venting. There are thousands of women who are going to find out they are pregnant today and many will have their babies and many will kill them through abortion.  Why are some allowed such precious gifts just to turn around and trash them?  And why are others like me, or women who have never conceived, barred the right to conceive a child?   

God can make this happen...yet, so far, he hasn't...and you know what?  I am pissed!!!  There, I said it.  I am really mad that He is not allowing me to get pregnant again. UGH!!!

:-(

6 comments:

Mary said...

Hi...

I'm a lurker but thought this post was worth my coming out of my lurker shell.

I have three kids too and many times wish for more. Then sometimes I wonder if I can handle the three I have, even though I love them so much.

It's confusing.

I don't have any answers but do have some questions.

Can you be truly grateful and desperately wanting at the same time?

Are there any other reasons why God may have completed your family at three without your having to be a "horrible mother?"

My lurking leads me to the conclusion that you are probably a wonderful mother and that your kids and DH are blessed to have you just as you are.

Finally, do you think there is any way to turn that "pissed" energy into hugs and kisses for the three kids you have and a DH you seem to adore?

Rachel said...

Mary,

Thanks for coming out of lurkdom. I do give lots of hugs and kisses. My being angry doesn't come out at them. I love them and want more of them to love.
I am little resentful of my dh. Though he is so adorable and such a good friend that I don't stew for long. However, there's been a real lack of faith on his part over this stuff.

Thanks for your response.

Rhea said...

I totally understand your post. I don't have any trouble getting pregnant but I have high-risk, dangerous pregnancies, so my husband and I decided not to have any more children. I love the two I have, but part of me wouldn't mind one more!! I miss the whole experience.

Marie said...

Hi Rachel,

As I think you know from my blog, I completely understand the gratitude and longing happening together. It is just sooo difficult sometimes.

Have you ever considered consulting with an ND (Naturopathic doctor)?

a thorn in the pew said...

I am in your shoes, 40 and still trying and praying. It is hard not to have rightous anger when parents kill their babies. Thank you for sharing, and it's okay to vent. ;)

sea glass hearts..... Laurie said...

Hi,
Thanks for leaving lots of comments on my blog.
I’ve wanted to write to you for the longest time. I have a lot to share with you.
Too bad we are on opposite coasts.
we're Catholic :)
we Homeschool. I’m learning and letting go (saying Yes) to get to more Unschool.
We left our charter school in early March.
I tried to leave you a comment to pray for us, for our decision to leave the charter and embark on unschool, but I got kicked out of blogger and didn’t want to retype. (now I’m in Word and will save it in case I lose it again)
I made the decision and we’ve been free of ‘schoolwork’ for a couple weeks now. It was easier since it was a 2 week Easter/Spring break.

We both have 11 yr old boys & 8 yr old girls.

I’m right there with you on wanting another baby. But I can come up with a long list of reasons not to. But every con is countered with LOVE, and God, and Soldier for Christ, and Hugs & Kisses and sibling Love… on and on.

Actually at Mass on Sunday I prayed the entire Mass for God’s will about another child.
We can’t “just get pg” so I was thinking and praying for who should I contact to let them know we would like to adopt. I know a couple Jr Hi counselors that may know girls willing to give up babies for adoption. We’d love a baby girl.
Right after Mass I went to a friend’s baby shower. It is her 5th. Her youngest is 5 and oldest is 16.
They thought they were done, and then changed their mind. :)
Another friend of mine sat across from me at the shower and I shared w/ her my Mass prayers.
She said long ago that she wished someone would leave a baby on her doorstep.
I told her I wished the same.
Both of us are 41-42 and our hubbys are 49ish. We worry more about our hubbys being with us and their ages than ourselves. Neither of us really wants to be pg. We hope for a baby to be on the doorstep.

Katie is reading over my shoulder and asked, who wants a baby on their doorstep?
me: Me & Suzanne.
K: Really, that’s what I want a Baby on our doorstep.

Now I have to brag. I know Melissa Wiley! She and her kids were at our house on Friday afternoon for a “swim date”. I know her as Lissa.
Our kids were taking piano lessons together, until we had to take a break for the holidays.
James has been going to her house for Shakespeare class and now Journey North. (I’m the “gem” who makes the excel spreadsheet for JN)
She is as awesome in person as she is on her blog. Her girls are darling! The oldest makes me think of how a Princess would carry herself. So confident and well spoken!

This is getting long, but I wanted to tell you that I “stole” the music for my blog from a blog
Holy Experience http://aholyexperience.com/ which I found as a link from Lissa’s blog. However, she writes so amazingly, I’m afraid it is way, way, way over my head!

Sorry this goes on so long. My email is seaglasshearts @ cox . net. I hope we can be email friends.

p.s. I prayed for you during the Mass too. God's will for your family and another baby.
Ever since I read your post earlier this month, I've been praying for us both.