Thursday, July 10, 2008

A shocking epiphany

I know there is a really good chance my kids will read this someday, so it is probably not a good idea to write this down. Also, some may not like me as much for being honest but here it is: I don't like kids. I love babies and toddlers, maybe preschoolers, but between about 5 & 6 and 13&14 they could all be away at a boarding school and I think I would be happy. I think teenagers, at least the ones I know personally, are really cool. So, this leaves me with 2 kids who are 8 and 11 and in that perpetually annoying age. It drives me crazy how hungry they always are and what messes they make. It bugs the hell out of me that they are so easily bored and not easily amused. They are also demanding, especially Ben, and I don't always give in...but it doesn't matter. Andrew, in all honesty, is the most fun right now. He's old enough to have interesting conversations with, I love his sense of humor, his taste in music, and that he totally understands the value of a nap. I love seeing the person he is...who he is making himself into. Autumn and Ben (especially Ben) still don't know who they are and this in between time grates on me.

I love babies because their needs are so pure and basic...warm arms, boobs, sleep, clean diapers. I can do that. I am really good at that. Toddlers find everything fascinating. Preschoolers are equally as interesting as they move toward autonomy. But elementary through middle school age. What a pain. All the crappy aspects of ourselves we start to see: selfishness, greed, jealousy, arguing, sloth. Here I am a Catholic mom, who has thought she wanted more kids all this time, and now I am not so sure. Granted, I am 42 so maybe the effects of aging and impatience has caught up with me. I still love the idea of a baby though. But then I remember what happens around 5 or 6. Plus, I don't like to play. I mean I love the goofy playing you can do with babies and toddlers. I love going to concerts and talking about new music with my teen. But I don't want to play Barbies, stuffed animals, color for hours on end, read comic books, play shooter games on Xbox 360. This is my blog so I will say it: "I hate feeling like I have to entertain my kids", but at the same time am totally pissed that the youngest ones default to TV/Macs/PCs/Gaming.

Maybe I didn't have enough kids (and I am not kidding here). Maybe there are too few kids too far apart. They don't really have built in buddies. It is too late for me to do anything about that. Even if I got pregnant now, and we loosely use NFP so it is always a possibility, Autumn would be 9 by the time another baby was born, Ben would be almost 13 and Andrew would be 19! Andrew is not interested in Hannah Montana or Webkinz and he isn't into video gaming much anymore. He only likes gaming when he is with friends and they have a Halo shoot 'em up or Guitar Hero contest. Autumn's and Ben's only common interest is TV and swimming. Autumn is pretty girly and Ben is not into that stuff at ALL! Plus they fight like Israel and Palestine. I'm sick of trying to make peace and am strongly considering nuking them both.

I feel burnt out by mothering. I loathe the idea of sending Autumn to school, so I don't know what I am going to do. I wouldn't want to send Autumn to public school, but don't have the money to send her to a private school...Ben's issues have seen to that. I guess it's good that the Catholic Church says to be open to life, but that you don't have to have a ton of kids. Maybe this truth of mine, that I have been unable to really notice, until today, is the reason God has prevented me from getting pregnant these last 5+ years when I have really wanted another baby. Maybe he wanted me open, but knows me better than I do myself, and therefore gives lots of babies to people like my friends: Sara B., Rob, Leonie, Kath, Jennifer, Wendy, Melissa W. etc...

I find myself thinking of other things to do with my time instead of constant laundry, cleaning, cooking, cleaning, breaking up fights, cleaning, begging them to do chores, cleaning, grocery shopping, cleaning, prodding them to read or pleading with them to let me read to them, get the picture.

Maybe I am just having a crappy day. Dunno?


Rob said...

maybe the long hot summer is getting to you?
Hang in there.

I don't like entertaining my kids either...i'm glad to have each other to play with and a neighborhood with lots of kids.

our neighborhood pool has also been a god-send. they practically live there

Kathleen said...

Yea, they can be a pain. That's why my mother was always threatening to run away and change her name to Heather so we couldn't find her. But she was always from the old school -- "Bored?? I'll find a toilet you can clean." to quote her daily "What do you want me to do, hire a band?" But hey, that won't work with you because there is usually a band in the basement anyway.

I know Sara blogged about turning off the tv, (as I type this I hear screams and punches being thrown as Ryan and Daniel run up from the dungeon)...The way I look at it is that they work hard and are often overscheduled during the year -- this is their summer and their vacation. They have the rest of their life to work-work-work. So my tv/computer/x-box rules are pretty lax. If we had a neighborhood pool I would be there daily. But instead I am raising a few summer "videots"

Maybe we can throw them all in the dungeon and drink Proseco until they are 16??

Sara said...

I like the dungeon idea, Kath. Seriously, I think I have so many because I love the baby phase so much and they're pretty much used up in a couple of years. lol.

You're probably just tired of summer, but motherhood is alternately boring as hell, or aggravating. It's not all a shower of roses. I've decided it's a really hard job that no one in their right mind would apply for if they saw the job description. And the pay sucks.

Catherine said...

Sorry, Rachel, for that belated comment on 'shocking epiphany'.
I really undestand what you mean.
I'm just like you I hate some entertainments my children love. And I don't fell compeled to participate necessarily. For instancce, I don't like party games that last for an eternity. So I don't play with them.
Sometimes I'm also fed up with all the home chores. I wonder if it wouldn't be better to work outside.
I wonder, wonder, until one day, I change my mind and stay at home, or listen my little voice, and find a job. It depends of my state of mind.
I just wanted you to know that I understand your doubt. It has nothing to do with the love of our kids, but the weariness for the obligations and responsabilities. We're overwhelmed with uninteresting tasks.
Hope you'll find the solution whatever it will be don't feel guilty.